Monday, May 30, 2011

Dave's a Dick (2 of ?)

--- On Wed, 5/25/11, Kijiji Reply (from ********* <> wrote:

From: Kijiji Reply (from ********* <>
Subject: Reply to your "NIGHTCRAWLER figure - Marvel Legends - X-Men - Toybiz" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Wednesday, May 25, 2011, 12:23 PM

Hello! The following is a reply to your "NIGHTCRAWLER figure - Marvel Legends - X-Men - Toybiz" Ad on Kijiji:

From: *********

Would you consider $10 for Nightcrawler?



Date: Thu, 26 May 2011 17:56:34 -0700
Subject: Re: Reply to your "NIGHTCRAWLER figure - Marvel Legends - X-Men - Toybiz" Ad on Kijiji
To: *********

Dear Chris,

Thank you for your email. You're much more polite than most people I know named Chris, though I only actually know two people named Chris. The first Chris, who I mention first because I met him first, was a boyhood friend who lived in the cul-de-sac in which I lived during the first eight years of my life. Chris was a bit of a dork, if I may be honest. His family was poor, particularly for that neighbourhood. I'm sure your heart goes out to him and his family, as it's hard not to feel sorry for people who struggle for the "haves" that you and I take for granted, but to be honest the problem was that his mother was trained only in the art of housewifing and his father was perpetually unemployed. His dad was something of an alcoholic (always squatting on the front porch with a dozen cans of beer strewn about his feet) and always appeared to be bruiser due to the frequent cuts and bruises on his face and forearms. My parents told me that he got his "owwies" from working on his car, but I never once saw him work on his car and he didn't even have a car to work on. I'm confident his injuries were sustained as a result of his loan shark sending lackies to "remind" him that he still owed money. Anyway, poor Chris (pun intended) generally had to settle for imitation brand toys when he would play with other kids in the neighbourhood. While I had He-Man and Skeletor, he had an imposable rubber dollar-store doll named Tough-Man. My Star Wars action figures were more than a match for his rocks and sticks taped together in a humanoid shape. But the problem with this Chris was not his socio-economic status. It was the fact that he was a lying prick. He used to always gloat about all the cool toys he had. I remember him telling me that he had the complete collection of G.I. Joe toys (including that awesome air craft carrier play set thing), but he would NEVER show me. There was always an excuse as to why he could not show me, such as the fact he was grounded from his toys or that his dad had them in the attic. I knew he was a liar but it was still funny to find out what new excuse he had for me.
The second Chris that I know used to be a douchebag. He was one of those scrawny dudes in high school who walk around with his arms out wide from his body in order to "fool" others into thinking that he is so muscular that his arms can't come closer in to his body because of his enormous lats. He also took ages in the change room after gym class fixing his hair as he could not seem to stand having even one hair out of place. I'm not sure if he is still as douchey as he was back in the day, but I recently saw him in a mall and talked to him for a few minutes. He was wearing a too-tight salmon shirt and saying "bro" a lot as he played with his sunglasses with white rims. He also has those fake balls attached to the back of his enormous gas-guzzling truck (which by the way has tinted windows and a white "Source" decal on the back).
Anyway, I apologize if you are poor or a douchebag. I know several people who are poor and a few who are douchebags, and usually the latter is also the prior. Perhaps that is why douchebags so often live in their parents' basements.
As for your inquiry, while I appreciate your offer, I must regretfully decline. I was considering your offer but then remembered that I had mentioned in the listing that the price is firm for this item. After spending about twenty minutes reflecting on the time I watched the movie "The Firm" and how confused I was after the movie was over, I decided that I would look foolish to accept an offer for an item with a firm price. Appearing foolish could seriously harm my self-esteem and I would once again have to be put on Paxil in order to be able to leave my house. I wouldn't object to popping Paxil again if not for the nasty side effects. You know, it's actually quite ironic how that drug can make my mouth feel so dry, yet cause so much sweating, nausea, and diarrhea. There was one day that I actually had all of the above. It was most unfortunate that was the day I had an interview to become a team lead for a reputable oil and gas company downtown. As I learned the hard way, interviewers frown upon frequent and pronounced passing of wind in addition to excusing oneself for repeated washroom breaks. On the bright side, it does make me chuckle to think about the mess the poor caretaker had to take care of after I'd left the washroom for the last time. The problem with explosive diarrhea is that it tends to paint more than just the bowl.
I know. Too much information.



From: chris ?????? <*********>
Subject: RE: Reply to your "NIGHTCRAWLER figure - Marvel Legends - X-Men - Toybiz" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Friday, May 27, 2011, 11:56 AM


If I offended you by asking for less then what you want my apologizes. I appreciate your response as it is well written and quite humours. You are a very good writer. It's the reading between the lines I do not appreciate. Please be careful with your responses as they could offend someone who may not have the same sence of humour as you.

Have a good day and thank you for your time,


Date: Fri, 27 May 2011 14:47:29 -0700
Subject: Re: Reply to your "NIGHTCRAWLER figure - Marvel Legends - X-Men - Toybiz" Ad on Kijiji
To: *********

Dear Chris,

I apologize for offending you. You're right. Not everyone shares my sense of humour. In fact, not everyone shares my point of view in a variety of ways. In grade three, I was called down to the office in the middle of my Wednesday mathematics class because the principal wished to speak with me and my parents. I was happy to leave the class as my teacher, Mr. Symmons, took away my favourite plush toy because I was beating a girl (who I had a crush on) over the head with it during a long quiz, and I now disliked Mr. Symmons as a result. My mother was waiting in the office with the principal but my father was unable to attend the meeting because he did not wish to take the time off work, and because since the divorce, a restraining order stated that my parents were not permitted within twenty yards of each other. During the meeting, a lady named Doctor O'Shea, with whom I had weekly appointments to "work on" my issues (such as kleptomania and inappropriately touching my babysitter), entered the room. Most of what was discussed went over my head, but I recall Dr. O'Shea saying that I had something called a "self-centered disposition." Apparently that isn't that I was a selfish little twit (though I was), but rather that I tended to assume that people around me thought in the same way as I did. For example, O'Shea once showed me a picture of a sailboat on the water. For your convenience, I have provided this picture (from memory) below:

I was asked what I thought the black triangular thing was at the bottom right of the image. I was asked to draw a picture of what I thought it was. I thought it was a witch's hat. Here is a replica of what I had drawn:

She then asked me what I thought OTHER children would think the triangle was, I told her all the kids would think it was an evil green witch out to murder them. This, of course, was extremely skewed thinking. Children would come up with other ideas, such as a shark's fin, or a box floating sideways, or the mouth of Cthulhu as it tried to devour their souls.
The fact I assumed everyone would think the triangle was the same as what I thought proved I had a self-centered thought process. It is a common issue for children during the concrete operational stage of development, but clearly I still carry that flawed way of thinking with me today.
Speaking of reading between the lines, I can certainly understand how someone could misinterpret what I am saying. For example, a word as innocent as "drapery" could be harshly misconstrued when one reads between the lines:

At any rate, again I apologize for any offense. I will be sure to be more careful with what I say and how I say it in future to other people. I hope you have a great afternoon.



Friday, May 13, 2011

Dave's a Dick (1 of ?)

From: Kijiji Reply (from <>
Subject: Reply to your "Angry Birds plush toys RED BIRD and PIG with sounds iPhone iPod" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Friday, May 13, 2011, 11:09 AM

Hello! The following is a reply to your "Angry Birds plush toys RED BIRD and PIG with sounds iPhone iPod" Ad on Kijiji:


Hi there:
My older brother LOVES the angry birds game, and I would really like to get him the red bird. (Unfortunately I cannot afford both) I live in PG, my brother is currently in Surrey. Would you be interested in shipping to either PG or Surrey?


--- On Fri, 5/13/11, Hello There <> wrote:

From: Hello There <>
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Angry Birds plush toys RED BIRD and PIG with sounds iPhone iPod" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Friday, May 13, 2011, 2:14 PM

Dear Dee,

Firstly I would like to apologize as "Dear Dee," when said aloud fast, sounds like "dirty." I trust you are not dirty and therefore may become offended should you be reading this letter quickly and aloud. However, this does remind me of my childhood, such as when I was eleven years old and would call bars and other public places asking for fictitious people with hilarious names. I shamelessly borrowed the idea from a television show called The Simpsons in which one of the main characters would contact the local bar via telephone and ask for names such as Amanda Huginkiss, Bea O'Problum, and Yuri Nater. I tried some of the early examples, such as Oliver Clossoff and I. P. Freely, not to mention the classic Al K. Holic. Sadly, the proprietors with whom I talked were not as naive as Moe Szyslak of Moe's Tavern, and thus my prank calls failed miserably. In fact, I don't recall ever having a successful prank call attempt.
In regard to your email, I certainly will not send you a package to PG. Since you did not define what PG stands for, I have chosen to decide that it stands for Pedophile Grove, and pedophiles are disgusting and reprehensible people. I would have to be some kind of creep to send a children's toy to a place called Pedophile Grove. I have half a mind to report this place to the police.
I am aware of Surrey, but unfortunately the postage cost to Surrey would be easily $10. You mentioned that you could not afford both birds. Assuming each bird to be valued at $15 each, the total cost with postage would be $25 at least. For an extra $5, you could have both birds as long as you came to pick them up. Sadly, Surrey is approximately 441 miles (661km) away from where I am located. I don't know what you drive, but I drive a 2002 Cadillac CTS Wagon, which pulls in an astonishing 18 miles per gallon (highway). That works out to nearly 50 gallons of fuel for the round trip, and at an astonishing $1.30 a litre for gasoline (perhaps more in your neck of the woods), I'd be looking at about $246 in fuel costs to pick it up and come back if our roles were reversed.
At any rate, you could have both birds for the reasonable price of $276 (fuel included but other travel and lodging costs not included)! Now that I've provided that price, doesn't $40 or so for both Angry Birds shipped sound like a steal? It is a steal, except for the fact that I do not ship items listed on kijiji because of issues with fraud. Like one time a gentleman in Bobo Alabama (real place...I had to look it up to be sure too) purchased a stack of Playboy magazines from me. He was displeased with my fuel cost breakdown and wanted to have the porn shipped to him in a box wrapped in postage paper for added anonymity. I did as he requested, but he seemed rather furious with me for putting "Naughty Magazine Man" instead of his name and writing a detailed list of the contents on the customs form (he used the example of "Drew Barrymore's left ariola on page 93" as being the most excessive). Anyway, when he received his box of smut, he claimed that he was missing over a dozen issues and threatened to sue me. I told him that I had no reason to withhold his Playboy magazines, because my girlfriend said I couldn't keep them and because I had discovered "internet porn" and no longer saw a need to risk the distraction of having to flip pages to see fresh material. In the end, he chose to leave the issue be, especially since he and I both knew that he received all of his tasteful erotica as promised.
I would like to suggest you try your local Toys R Us store, as they tend to carry Angry Birds from time to time and they charge about $10 each for them. They sell out fast so it's a good idea to call ahead.
Thank you for your interest in my items and thank you for saying cheers as your greeting. I'm always at a loss for what an appropriate greeting should be to conclude a letter. Cheers is the only choice for me from now on.



Friday, May 13, 2011 12:19 PM


"Dee Pxxx" <>


"Hello There" <>

Hello Dave:
PG actually stands for Prince George. I apologize for not defining it or you, its just that most people know of PG.

Thank you for taking the time to read my e-mail.
Thanks anyway.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Puppy Love

Two days ago, one of the dogs that are owned by my parents gave birth to six puppies. My mother, a small-yield breeder, is an old hat at taking care of puppies. Yesterday, I stopped by my folks' home to see the puppies and I took a few pictures to post on Facebook so I could share the cuteness that is cute puppies! Everything was going well. Then, late yesterday afternoon, a "friend" on my Facebook emailed me asking about the puppies and if I was a breeder. I told her that my mum breeds dogs and thus why there are puppies. I figured she was just an interested party and wanted to know about the puppies. I was wrong.

This morning I receive a reply from this person. Basically, she asked me to consider having the mother of these puppies spayed. She said that it would be better to not breed dogs because there's a serious overpopulation of pets (dogs, cats, etc.) and breeders are part of the problem. She continued that a breeder sells puppies to homes that could have otherwise taken in rescue dogs or other animals that are not currently well off.

Despite her attempt to maintain a friendly tone in the email, I was quite bothered by her suggestion. Who the hell is this person to suggest that my mum indirectly contributes to the abuse, neglect, and abandonment of animals? When my mum breeds a dog, she cares greatly for the puppies until they are old enough to be sold. My mum then carefully screens potential buyers to separate the serious from the "fad" buyers and to ensure that the future owners are responsible and caring. Once owners have been established, my mum then keeps in contact with these owners to ensure the puppies she has sold remain in good health both mentally and physically. And as for my personally...I love animals a great deal (not in some creepy way you perverts are thinking right now) to the point that I will not kill ANYTHING unless it's in self defense. That means I live-catch spiders and release them outdoors and set humane traps for mice instead of killing them. So you can understand my frustration with being called a contributor to the breech of animal rights.

My response was an honest deconstruction of her argument. While I told her that I understood her point of view and do admire what she does (this woman rescues animals and is a foster parent for animals until they are placed), her tact was completely out of line. I explained that my mum takes great care about the health and safety of these puppies before, during, and after their birth. I also responded to this woman by saying that her logic wasn't sound. After all, if my mum didn't bread puppies, those potential buyers wouldn't take in rescue dogs as, they would simply go to a different breeder. A breeder who was perhaps far less concerned about the welfare of her animals than the profit.

That really should have been it. She attacked me without warrant and I explained my point of view and that it was not cool to come out swinging at me. But nope, this woman proved herself to be a lot like the stereotypical "animal hugger" person who seems as unstable as they are crazy. Her response was essentially that she was not sorry for what she said, all breeders are evil because they allow more "souls" to enter the world when there are too many as it is, and that I am blind to it all. She clearly follows the philosophy that you catch more flies with big, scary, loud movements and then swat at them viciously with a giant swatter. Moron.

I replied yet again, explaining that her misanthropic black-and-white views weren't doing her any favours, because it's a grey world. I said that her assumptions were making enemies of her allies and thus everything was hurting her cause. I told her that assuming that puppies my mum breeds don't come into this world at the expense of other animals, and that instead of attacking the breeders she should be attacking those people who have proven themselves to be the villain. I mentioned that she shouldn't chastise people until she knows something about them. I said I did not want to continue the conversation because she was unreasonable and unwilling to listen, just as she was incapable of seeing the issue on a scale rather than all-or-nothing. She replied yet again, but I didn't bother to read her reply. It's like talking to a brick wall, and I've already read enough on that particular wall.

Sure, I probably come off as harsh. I swung down the hammer on a person who admittedly does mean well. But, to me, there's absolutely no excuse for blindly attacking another person the way she did to me. Ignorance is not a defense for her behaviour. She doesn't know my mother at all and doesn't know me on a deep enough level to know my feelings about the matter. She doesn't know a damn thing except that a dog my mother owns had puppies. So how dare she make any assumptions, let alone the ridiculous ones that framed me and my family as twisted, evil animal abusers?

What she is trying to do is admirable, but her extremist nature completely negates any respect I have for her. If she had politely laid her argument on the table and bothered to take into consideration what I had to say, then she would have had a lot more luck and also kept a friend. Instead, she decided to kick the door in with guns blazing, and now yet another person thinks she's psychotic. Are extremists blind to the fact that they don't help their causes by behaving in this way, and actually can make things worse? We are a social species, and people have to understand that when interacting with others. This shoot first and ask questions never approach is foolish, juvenile, and pointless.

So in the end, all she succeeded in doing was making me realize how crazy she is and how I don't want her in my life. And gave me something interesting to write about.
What do you think, dear reader? Was I also out of line? I do tend to become bull-headed when responding to harsh criticism.
Was I perhaps the only one who was out of line in the first place? Should I overlook the fact that she accused me of contributing to injustices to animals, when I'm not even the one who does the breeding? Should I be okay with her attacking my mum through me without knowing anything about the situation? Or should I tell her that with every step she takes, she murders millions of organisms too small to see, and therefore she is a hypocrite (after all, the extreme nature of her thinking must be applied to all living beings, no)?

By the way, the mother of those puppies was spayed. My mum only ever breeds a female two to three times because any more pregnancies than that may cause complications. My mother would rather ensure the health and welfare of a dog than make thousands of dollars on the puppies that dog could produce with further pregnancies. That's just how a monstrous animal hater works, don't you think?