Dave's a Dick (8 of ?)

ORIGINAL AD:

Rare Arcee figure from the Transformers animated series. She was a Toys R Us exclusive and difficult to find now. Sealed on the card.

If you're reading this, the item is available. Offers will be considered. I will respond to your offer if I accept it or if I have a counter offer. Insulting low-ball offers will be ignored. Thank you.


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On 2011-10-30, at 11:51, "Kijiji Reply (from kenergon1988@hotmail.com)" <post@kijiji.ca> wrote:

Hello! The following is a reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji:

From: ************@hotmail.com

I am buying this for my son, would you take $10? I can't spend too much on toys, thank you


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From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2011 12:57:04 -0600
To: ************@hotmail.com

I will not go lower than $20. It is a rare figure and I paid more than my asking price for it. 

Regards,

Dave

Sent via telepathy.

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From: Ken ***** <************@hotmail.com>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Sunday, October 30, 2011 1:05:27 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji

but transformers like this size is always like $9 on sale in local store. I have never seen them higher than $14

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From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2011 14:37:09 -0600
To: ************@hotmail.com

 Dear Ken,

Thank you for pointing out that some Transformers are on sale for $9 in the local store. That is very true. Local stores often have sales for a variety of items. Just the other day I was able to get a large tub of Brylcreem pomade for the unbeatable price of $2.99! I don't actually use Brylcreem in my hair as I'm not a man living in the 1950s. However, it makes for a great lubricator in my engine and at this price it is cheaper than oil. Some mechanics argue that it is irreparably damaging my engine, but I think they're just upset that I'm not spending money in their garage and will say anything to try and get me back as a customer.

However, this particular Transformer you will not find in any local store for under $30, and you would be lucky to find it at all. It is an exclusive toy that was only available at one store and was only available for a short time. Please check eBay for this Transformer as you may find a better deal than I am offering, but once you factor in shipping I very much doubt it. 

Have you ever read the comic book Spider-Man? He is one of my favourite characters and I often feel that he and I share what is commonly referred to in the comic book and other popular culture as a "spider sense." While he senses impending danger, I sense impending bollocks. When a person messages me offering me a price for an item that is a shocking 40% of my asking price and then argues that similar items are available for much less elsewhere, my first instinct - or bollocks sense, as it were - is to ask why the person wasted time emailing me to tell me that stores sell them for less. A logical behaviour would be to simply thank me for my time and then go out and buy the toy elsewhere for the largely reduced price. But what you have done is emailed me back and said that other stores sell these for $9 and therefore I should lower my price.

*BOLLOCKS SENSE IS TINGLING*

With respect, my bollocks sense suggests to me that you probably are aware of the rarity and value of this Arcee toy and were hoping that by attempting to make me feel foolish by saying I'm charging 60% more than local stores for the same item, I would lower my price to compete and thus give you a valuable item for chump change. Aside from bollocks sense, my keen powers of deduction deduce that this toy is for you and not your son, mainly because your email address is Transformers-related. Sadly you picked the wrong dude with a pseudo-super-power and Sherlock-Holmes-like deduction with whom to battle wits! This reminds me of the time that I went to my local car dealership and told the salesman that the Audi A8 that I was interested in purchasing was available at a rival dealership for $9.99 and a case of beer. I think the salesman also had a bollocks sense because he said, and I quote, "Are you F#*@ing kidding me? Who the $&@( do you think I am to think I would believe this load of #*@(??? This vehicle retails for over sixty thousand dollars right now, and while I wish I could have a cold beer at work, there's no way my manager would allow me to mark the price down to $9.99! Get out of here before I soak a noodle in hot water and flog you mercilessly with it!" Needless to say, my ploy failed, much like yours has failed here today.

However, I am willing to negotiate a price. My asking price is $25, so I would be happy to offer you this item for the low price of $30 plus the cost of postage and handling to your home. The grand total is $45. No tax because this is a private transaction. You may pay me via PayPal or three twenty-dollar bills (sorry, I don't provide change). As an added bonus, I will be including in the box the air that surrounds the toy. Because the toy is rare and sought after, the air will also be worth more than regular air. Kind of like how a lock of Elvis' hair is worth more than a baggie of pubic hair from Kathy Bates. I trust that my generosity will put an end to this ugly disagreement.

Regards,

Dave

Sent via standard desktop computer


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From: Ken ***** <************@hotmail.com>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Sunday, October 30, 2011 3:32:31 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji

Well, thank you for your kindly respond. I really appreciate it. I actually find several Arcee from ebay who sell cheaper than you including the shipping. If you could sell it with $25, good luck and no thanks. Like you said, I will get out of here before you soak a noodle in hot water and flog me mercilessly with it!

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From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2011 16:28:32 -0600
To: ************@hotmail.com

Dear Ken,

I'm rather confused about your statement. You said you will "get out of here." Get out of where? Are you in my computer? I once had a dream that the little creepy alien guy that peddled Reese's Pieces in the 1980s was living in my computer. Every time I hit the SHIFT key repeatedly, he would scream "GLUBGRAFUTZ" and a barrage of Reese's Pieces would inexplicably burst out from the web camera and violate me in and around my face. You think Reese's Pieces are delicious? Try imbibing them when they come flying at your head at 100 miles an hour! And that's why nowadays when you press the SHIFT key several times in a row, Windows brings up a pop-up window asking if you want to turn on sticky keys. True story. Tell your friend.

Strangely enough, hitting the ~ key led to him making strange orgasmic moaning noises. I can't blame him for that though. ~ is the sexiest symbol on my keyboard. There's something innately saucy about a squiggly line. It looks like a wet noodle.

This is what the Reese's alien looks like for your records:

So I just ate a banana. It was at that perfect time when it was ripe enough to eat but not so ripe that black spots were on it. Isn't it strange how bananas go bad so quickly, and that is only exacerbated when chilled in the refrigerator, yet other fruits like apples, oranges, plums, nectarines, peaches, and all those yumtastic fruits can last for ages? I found a plum in my fridge that I had bought about five months prior and it was still firm and ripe and delicious! Well I don't know about delicious. I packed it in my nephew's lunch, along with a swizel stick and half a can of flat Diet Coke. He was fine. He ended up becoming violently ill (projectile vomit and everything) but there was a flu bug going around.

Speaking of vomit, you'd be surprised to learn that I have not vomited since 1993. Isn't that ridiculously awesome? I've never even felt the impending need to purge. I think it's a good thing that I don't vomit though. Did you know that your puke actually contains a little bit of feces? It's feces in the earliest stages before it gets plunged through your intestines, but you're basically getting poopies in your mouth every time you have a technicolor yawn. I don't know about you, but I don't like shit in my mouth, whether it goes down the pipes our out the maw. 

At any rate, I would also like to point out that I made no threat, directly or implied, that I would soak a noodle in hot water and flog you mercilessly with it. That would be considered uttering threats (or whatever the print version of that would be). Even if I did want to take you out behind the barn and lash you with mushy pasta, I doubt that it would really teach you a lesson. Unless I filmed it and then sold it in the fetish market. I could make a fortune and I would blur out your face so that I would not have to pay you any royalties. Then you would see it at your local adult video store and you would cry because I am rich and you are poor and life is unfair.

In closing, should you decide to send another low-ball offer my way, before you do, please take a moment to look at the following picture:

Your new-found obsession for and irrational fear of moist noodles will spare us both the hassle. Though for the record, there is nothing to be ashamed of regarding being afraid of damp pasta. Everyone has different fears. For example, I'm afraid of wasp nests after I throw rocks at them and I'm afraid of my grandmother when she tries to stab me with knitting needles. You're afraid of wheat and starch. Potato, potahto.

Have a noodlrific day!

Regards,

Dave