Public Service Announcement #1 of 1

Sometimes I like to take a peek at my blogspot stats. You know, to see how epic my readership is. Then once I see how pathetic my page hits are, I cry myself to sleep. That being said, via stats I can also see the different sources from which people were linked to my blog AND much more interesting are the Google search terms that people used that led to them viewing my page. Now there are some odd searches that show up, such as one for dill diarrhea and one for stalker tits (those two words haven't shown up together in a single entry of mine but both words are peppered throughout my blog as a whole). But one that I found to be interesting was a search for "how to make a caulk dildo."


This search led to my page because of a glorious tale I told involving the creation and disposal of caulk dildos (Dildos and the Diarrhea Dill). Now that search term tells me that someone who is either really cheap or really embarrassed about going into adult stores wants to create a homemade sex toy. Um...Something tells me that silicone caulking is probably not the kind of material a person should be pushing, packing, clogging, ramming, stuffing, shoving, slamming, prodding, poking, plugging, jamming, impaling, cramming, or plunging into their bodies. So to all of those people who said that my blog is simply entertaining nonsense and does nothing to make the world a better place (thanks for the support, grandma), I'm using my blog as a public service announcement.

Please! Keep tub caulking dildos out of your woo-hoos and browneyes and other assorted orifices that nature gave you or that you gave yourselves! Sure, you might argue that the whole point of caulking is that it is used to fill cracks. Also you might say that it was named after a slang term for a part of the male anatomy. You might even say that before it dries, the way it squooshes between your toes and buttcheeks is very sexual and makes you go "squeeeeeeeeee." But caulking is purchased from a hardware store (I know the name can be confusing since it has "hard" in it) and not an adult store,  is meant for inanimate objects and not people parts, probably has some sort of warning label about external use only, and the nails you'd have jutting out of it might give you tetanus.


So if you're low on cash, rob a bank. Scoop change out of a mall fountain. Steal from your child's piggie bank. Become a prostitute. Sell your kidney. Harvest your child's kidney and sell that. But don't skimp on the sex toys.
And if you're shy, order online and ask them to deliver in an unmarked brown-wrapped box (because when someone receives something in a brown-wrapped box, no one EVER assumes that the contents are pornographic or otherwise sexual) or dress up in Groucho Marx glasses, fedora, and an ankle-length trench coat when you enter a sex shop to safely hide your true identity.
But whatever you do, don't make sex toys from hardware supplies and kitchen appliances. And for the love of god, don't use your pets. Contrary to what some people might say, gerbils are NOT meant for insertion.

Airing of Grievances 2011

Well, here we are again. It's Festivus time in the city. With the return of Festivus comes yet another opportunity for me to express my discontent about some of the people around me. I have a lot of problems with you people, and now you're gonna hear about it!

ONE:

Lynda. I’ve broken the name rule here because, well, I can. I don’t talk to her anymore so whatever!
Lynda was a nice person and I got along with her. She was a pretty cool chick who was actually going to dress up as Supergirl (those who know me get the awesomeness of that) for a comic convention earlier in the year. We hung out a few days a month since we were both busy people. I foolishly thought we were just friends. She knew I had a girlfriend so there really shouldn’t have been any surprise. When I shot her down, she seemed to shy away and I barely talked to her anymore.
Anyway, about a day or two before the comic show, she bailed out of coming along all together. She said it was because she “had” to go to Banff to watch her nephew ride in some BMX race. She said that her family would have been angry with her if she didn’t go. I can’t speak for anyone but my sister here, but I KNOW that my sister wouldn’t give two shits if I already had plans and couldn’t come see my nephew in a play or a race or whatever. I think that Lynda got scared of all that spandex and pussied out. Well, actually, I think that Lynda just didn’t want to come anymore because she wanted to wear the costume to impress me or something. Either way, trying to feed me some bull story only served for me to lose respect for her. Didn’t talk to her since then.
Yes, in comparison I am being polite in this case. I don’t dislike this woman. I’m just tired of people who pull this kind of crap. She didn’t get what she wanted so she decided to be a bitch instead of a grown-up. It’s very frustrating. So she made it on my list!

TWO:

This year there have been a few people who have really frustrated me with their arrogance, condescension, and pedantic nature. Now, I wholly admit that I am guilty of displaying all of the above traits from time to time, as I’m sure everyone is. But I have asked friends and family to be sure to tell me when I am being arrogant and/or condescending because these are both unintentional and unwanted traits to me. I’m sure people who have known me for some time would attest that I have become a lot better in this regard though I know that there’s always room for improvement. As for being pedantic, I always do that for the humour in it, so that’s fine by me. My ability to understand those flaws and attempt to remedy them is true testament to my strong self-awareness. Self-awareness is, unfortunately, a trait shared by very few. Which brings me to the jerks that top my list of grievances for 2011.
You all know the type of person whom I am discussing. You make a comment or a claim, and they’re all over it like shit on a scat fetishist. You pronounce a word incorrectly and they not only feel a need to correct you but ALSO laugh that you could have made such an elementary error. You suggest a route best used to get from point A to point B and they have to pipe in with a better one. These freaks almost seem to live to point out your flaws and how superior they are to you. And to make matters even worse, usually they are incorrect when they stick their nose in your business! One of these people seems to lack a sense of humour. There’s been a couple of times when I’ve made a comment as a Facebook or MSN status as a joke and this person swoops in with a comment about how I’m inaccurate about my statement. I don’t bother to humiliate the person by correcting THEM with a follow-up comment because, unlike them, I don’t feel a need to advertize to other readers that the person, so conceited in their arrogance, doesn’t know what they are talking about.
Sometimes, if I am incorrect or if I overlooked a fine detail, these people are certain to ensure that I and other readers become aware of the overwhelming flaw! There was recently one example of this in which the detail I overlooked was of absolutely no relevance to the point I was making, but this person still felt a need to point it out. What the hell?
Sometimes, these people, when challenged (or even PROVEN wrong) will spend a shocking amount of time and energy in rationalizing their stance rather than just admitting they are in error. Because being proven slightly less intelligent is like losing, and these losers just can’t lose. How ironic.
A great Festivus miracle would be for these people to grow up and stop trying to hold over others how brilliant they are…particularly because often they aren’t nearly as brilliant as they would like to believe. I’m sure that there’s someone out there who has noticed a grammatical error or something in this entry and you are just itching to point it out to me. Ask yourself why you wish to do so? Is it a legitimate gesture to let me know I made a mistake? Or does a part of you feel somehow superior because you noticed something I did not?

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
-- Albert Einstein 

THREE:

I really cannot talk about my job on here, though it is by far the greatest source of frustration, stress, and discontent in my life. I SO want to express my grievances with the people with whom I work, but I cannot do to issues with freedom of information. I see so much horrible stuff and there’s really no avenue for me to vent or to talk about it. So I will censor my rant about one of my most reprehensible clients of all information I cannot share…treat it like a really fucked up game of Mad Libs!

So this woman named ________ ended up ________ her ________ _________ and now the ________ is in _________ _________ because ________ and ________ ________ ________! But what makes this story so sick is that the ________ cannot have ________ of ________ because her ________ ________ ________ her ________ (seriously, ________ is in ________ right now because ________ was ________ of ________ of ________________) and despite all that she still ________ to be ________ ________ monster!!!! What the hell kind of world are we living in where a ________ would rather ________ ________ ________ ________ ________ ________ than ________ ________ ________ ________ ________???? Sickest story I’ve heard in a very long time.

And now an open letter to a select (yet numerous) group of people with whom I work:

Most of you people are absolutely terrible. Seriously! Most of you are TERRIBLE, AWFUL, and SICKENING human beings! Worse yet, you refuse to accept that you are the problem and in turn blame everyone else around you. I said early in this post that self-awareness is a rare trait and that point stands strong when it comes to you lot. Stop complaining! Stop acting like a victim! Learn some responsibility and accountability! Just grow up. If you people had the brains of an aphid, my job wouldn’t exist. And a world where my job wouldn’t exist would be a much better world indeed.  

FOUR:

It’s been a week? WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY COOKIES!? 

FIVE:

 This is for all of you people who piss and moan about how much you hate Facebook and that you are going to delete your account, proceed to disable your account, and then reactivate it a week later. What the shit, guys? I understand that the whole “woe is me, Imma delete” rant is just for attention and an attempt to get pity from others, but either leave it at the tough talk or leave the account disabled forever! Seriously, you’re messing up my friend count and it mildly annoys me. But most importantly, no one likes a whiner (except for me who has clearly spent this entire entry whining).

 

SIX:

Ugh. Damn my tall dark handsomeness and wonderful sense of humour! It’s sometimes the bane of my existence. Early this year, a woman messaged me and complimented me on my blog. She seemed nice enough and who doesn’t like a fan? She even wanted to contribute to my blog because she thought she had something interesting to add. Her entry, a dating disaster, was mediocre at best but a nice compliment to some of the other stories shared. Anyway, a few weeks after we first talked via email, this bitch went crazy! She lived in a town in western Alberta (about three hours or so away from where I live) and she wanted me to come visit her. WTF? I said no because the drive was too far and I hate driving, so she offered to visit me. I again said no because I didn’t know her. I asked why she wanted to get together and she said she wanted us to start…dating. I had a girlfriend at the time and was very happy with her. I even told this wacko chick that directly or indirectly (i.e. “Sorry I can’t talk long. I’m going out on a movie date tonight”) that I was involved with someone. I never led this woman on nor even flirted with her. Yet she said that I “clearly” wanted to be involved with her, and when I told her that wasn’t the case she claimed that I was an asshole who just wanted to sleep with her!
I told her that she was “clearly” insane and that I wanted nothing to do with her sexually or romantically, and now that she was “clearly” obsessed and creepy, I wanted nothing to do with her period. She made some idle threat about getting one of her friends to come kick my ass and I blocked her.
To some, I may have sounded quite harsh, but remember that I suffered through four months with a crazy stalker several years ago and from that I learned to be direct and mean. And it worked. She didn’t bother trying to win me back or something.
That being said, about three months later, I received an intellectual property infringement complaint from this blog. As it turns out, she contacted the blogger site and said that the contribution to my blog that she made was used without permission. Crazy whore! The complaint said that she wanted my entire blog removed because I am a “dirty thief,” which makes absolutely no sense from a sane person’s perspective. There was no way that the site would shut me down without cause though. I simply removed her contribution, as it was weak anyway, and the problem went away. So did she…for now.

*Insert Psycho shower scene music here*

 

SEVEN:

Stupid postal employees. This one goes out to all the parcel-runners. I’m on to your game! You are SUPPOSED to park your truck, come up to the door of the building with my parcel, ring my bell, and then hand me said parcel. That’s just how it works. But what you little twats do is park your truck, fill out a “sorry we missed you” parcel card, come up to the door of the building with my “sorry we missed you” parcel card, and stick it on my mailbox.
What’s the deal here? Are you just so completely unsociable that the mere thought of saying hi to a stranger while passing them a box is terrifying? Is the 500g box too heavy for your mighty frame to carry? I really don’t understand why you employees aren’t doing your job properly…aside from the obvious laziness factor.
Now you know why you shouldn’t expect any token Christmas gift from me this year or any, except for a novelty boxing glove that extends out and punches you in the face. Enjoy your gift, dickwads.

 

EIGHT:

Seriously…WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY COOKIES???

NINE:

Hey. Raggedy cat lady in my building! Stop creepily staring at me when I come home from work! I know I am a fascinating person and all, but just take a picture and be done with it! Don’t open the door to the building and then stare at me while I park, only to enter the building and close the door when I begin getting out of my vehicle. Don’t then proceed to stare at me from each and every landing window between the ground and the fourth floor! And while you’re at it, run a comb through your hair and trade out the owl glasses for something a bit less creepy. Oh, and NEVER attempt small talk with me again. I hate small talk enough as it is…more so when the person is a bit-chomping fucksack. Thanks!

 

TEN:

Back to Facebook. Please please please cut out the “baiting” statuses. Not sure what I mean? A baiting status is one that provides minimal information because you want people to inquire for the details and therefore give you the attention that you’re really after. Here’s a few examples:

“Oh my god! I didn’t mean for THAT to happen.”
“You think you know what’s best for me but you don’t! To hell with you!”
“Great. One stupid mistake and now I have to get surgery!”

Regardless of how important an issue may be (objective importance, I mean), I can guarantee that I will not be baited by or even care about this sort of update. If you have something you want to share, provide all the information. If you withhold the details because of space constraints, you can relax. You’re not limited to 140 characters, you Twits (lawl…get it?), so you can share the pertinent details. Otherwise, you’re just fishing for attention and I’m not interested.  Here’s the above examples with appropriate detail:

“Oh my god! I didn’t mean for my weird neighbour to slip on that sheet of ice and slide head first into the dumpster…is what I told the police. But actually I put the ice there. I’m glad she’s in traction.”
“Julia! You think you know the best way for me to breast feed my son, but you really can’t breast feed from your anus! I looked it up! To hell with you!”
“Great. So I got drunk last night and had a penis surgically attached to my forehead. Now I have to get more surgery to have it removed. Who stitched this thing on though…anyone know? And furthermore, where the hell did they get it from?”

ELEVEN:

COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF, MAN?

TWELVE:

What would an airing of grievances be without a bit of complaining about drivers. What aspect should I tackle this time? 

Disrespect and the sense of anonymity that some drivers display? The things drivers should do that aren’t a matter of legality and so people don’t do them (such as using a turn signal)? The way drivers who are at-fault shamefully try and throw the blame at the person they victimized? The assholes that drive too fast and weave through traffic? The junkrags that drive too slowly and end up causing delays for ages? The cockgobblers that stop at a merge? The butt-cardigans that fail to yield at a yield sign? The bags of dicks that speed up when you are trying to change into their lane? The lollygaggers that rubberneck every time there’s an accident because they want to see some carnage? Those that drive too fast in poor road conditions and those that drive too cautiously in good road conditions? Big slow stupid semis and dump trucks clogging the major roads during rush hour? Old farts oblivious to their surroundings as they piddle about town in their huge boat cars? Lane changers that signal after starting the lane change? Swamp-assers that use a straight-only lane as a secondary turning lane? Pissants that don’t bother clearing off their vehicles of snow and letting it all dump on to the road every time they hit a bump (and people with fenderbergs that don’t kick them off before getting in their vehicles)? The fucktards that speed up to get in front of you and then slow down? The “oh shit I don’t know what lane I need to be in so I’ll just keep going back and forth until I hit someone”ers? The geniuses that pull into an intersection even though the cars ahead have stopped, thus trapping them in the intersection and cross-traffic cannot get by? The snake-wranglers that park their vehicles so close to yours that you cannot get out of your spot? The gunt-scrunchers that drive up on the curb/boulevard/whatever because they want to make a turn but not wait for traffic to move? The mamma-molesters that ding/scratch/otherwise damage your vehicle and then run off instead of taking responsibility? The “screw the law…I’m gonna text message while driving anyway” retards? The trucks and SUVs that spray water and crap on your windshield in rainy or snowy weather because the anus-licking owners couldn't be bothered to put on mud flaps? The jizz faces that park their cars with two feet between the tires and the curb thus reducing room on the road for traveling vehicles? How about the pussy farts at a stop sign that wait FOREVER for an excessively enormous opening before making their move? The kamikaze troopers that drive in the wrong lane during a lane reversal (or the rare cases of drivers that drive the wrong way on established roadways)? The hard ons that park crookedly and/or over the line in parking stalls? The nutsacks that cannot seem to stay in their lane to save their lives? Poultry "lovers" that spend five times as long parking because they insist on backing in to a stall? The hairy grandma gooches that drive right up to the car in front of them and then violently smash on their brakes, thus causing all drivers behind to have to brake hard as well? Or perhaps the cum dumpsters that barely even slow down before going through a four-way stop?

Sigh. Well, those are but a few of my bad driver grievances. Maybe I'll tackle more of this list of bad drivers in AoG 2012. Unless my Festivus wish comes true and all bad drivers eat shit and die. Fingers crossssssssed! :)

Thanks for reading! Happy Festivus and a Happy New Year as well! Unless you're on this list...in which case, please replace the first "Happy" with "Go fuck yourself during" and the second "Happy" with "Go fuck yourself during the" (numbers 4, 8, and 11 are excluded).

G'night everybody! 

Dave's a Dick (9 of ?)

From: "Kijiji Reply (from *************@hotmail.com)" <post@kijiji.ca>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Thursday, November 3, 2011 9:40:19 PM
Subject: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji

Hello! The following is a reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji: 

From: *************@hotmail.com

Wats your lowest offer 

___________________________________________________________________________________

Date: Fri, 4 Nov 2011 09:51:14 -0700
From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji
To: *************@hotmail.com

$75.00

Regards,

Dave

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: R****G**** T************* <*************@hotmail.com>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Friday, November 4, 2011 1:21:17 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji

Ur add says $30..? 

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Fri, 4 Nov 2011 13:08:31 -0600
To: *************@hotmail.com

Dear valued customer,

Yes, the listed price is $30.00. However, the listing also says that the price is firm. I trust that you read my ad before emailing me, so I assumed you were actually asking me what would be my lowest offer on a life-size Vicki doll from the 80s sitcom "Small Wonder." I would pay a lot more than $75.00 for such a vital piece of childhood nostalgia, but that would be my opening bid and thus lowest offer for it. While I did find it odd and random that you would be emailing out-of-the-blue about my lowest offer on a Vicki statue, it seems much more likely than you asking me a question already answered in my advertisement because you did not read the ad first. 

Please forward me a link and/or pictures of the Small Wonder doll at your earliest convenience, so I may post my lowest offer right away! Thank you in advance,

Regards,

Dave

Sent via telepathy.

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: R****G**** T************* <*************@hotmail.com>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Friday, November 4, 2011 1:21:17 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji

Ok. Thanks 

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Fri, 4 Nov 2011 13:28:57 -0600
To: *************@hotmail.com

You are most welcome. 

Unfortunately I did not receive a link to the Small Wonder doll from you yet. Please forward ASAP as I am eager to bid! Thanks!

Regards,

Dave

Sent via telepathy.

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Fri, 4 Nov 2011 19:40:24 -0600
To: *************@hotmail.com

Dear fellow Small Wonder fanatic,

I know you're probably really busy and that's why you haven't got that link for the doll to me yet. That's okay. I'm just emailing because I'm so happy to meet a fellow Small Wonder fan (us Small Wonderians are rare)! How long have you been a fan of Vicki (I know it's actually V.I.C.I., but just typing Vicki is so much easier), Jamie, and the gang? I've been a hardcore fan ever since the show first aired in 1985! I can't tell you how excited I was when they released the first two seasons on DVD! I had to order them from a pretty expensive vendor on eBay but I think it was worth it to see all those episodes again! If you want, I can burn you copies of the DVDs, though I'm sure that being a fellow fan you already have the DVD sets as well!

I've taken the liberty of signing you up for daily emails from the Small Wonder Fan Collaborative. The emails will come directly to your email address (gelyne_rommel@hotmail.com) every day at around 3:00PM mountain time. I find them pretty interesting. Usually they contain fan fiction and letters that we fans wrote to Tiffany Brissette when we were children but never actually sent those letters out. Recently they've added a telesnap feature in which every day they publish about one hundred screen captures of a particular episode and then provide textual explanation about what was happening in each frame. It's particularly handy to fans who have no access to the DVDs and want to relive the episodes as best they can.

Also the Small Wonder Fan Collaborative (SWFC) sends out remixes of the theme song (about three a day), which are a pretty wild listen! Highly recommended! Each email is about 150MB in size so make sure you clear out your email inbox every day so you can receive the emails! I've requested that the SWFC coordinator mark the emails as important so that they will not go to your spam/junk folder and will always be at the top of your email list. No need to thank me. You'd do the same for me. 

I've also added you to the SWFC forums so you can see what's up real-time with us fellow fans. Please be sure to log in and add your home address to make sure you get the most out of the forum experience!

Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm just so excited to know another hardcore SW fan that lives so close. We should totally go out for coffee and talk about our favourite moments of the show! What is your phone number? I will call you! OMG exciting!

Lastly, here's a clip from the rare banned third season episode "Ted Takes a Peek." You've probably seen it before. It's the scene where Vicki leans over to pick up the trash and Ted rubs his pelvis up against her posterior and causes her to short out. So funny! Not sure why they banned it (aside from the obvious pedophilia-related reasons). Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ob=av3e

All right, I'll stop now. But I hope to hear back from you and get together! Small Wonder ROCKS!

Regards,

Dave




___________________________________________________________________________________


From: smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji

Date: Fri, 4 Nov 2011 19:40:24 -0600

To: *************@hotmail.com



Dear smallwondercreepyobsessedfan111,

Thanks for registering at the Small Wonder Fan Collaborative! We are glad you have chosen to be a part of our community and we hope you enjoy your stay.

We would also like to encourage you to read our Code of Conduct within the FAQ area of our forum. The Code of Conduct contains the rules by which the website and board are run. You are expected to know these rules and follow them. If you have any questions about any of the rules, please do not hesitate to ask.

You have signed up for the daily news letter. If you do not

receive the letter, please check your spam mail folder and deleted mail folder to ensure the letter was not delivered to either of those folders instead. If the letter is not reaching you, please contact us

immediately and we will remedy the situation for you.

Should you wish to cancel your membership with the Small Wonder Fan Collaborative, please reply to this email with the phrase "PLEASE CANCEL."



All the best,
Jesse Juanita Boigurl Del Torro
Small Wonder Fan Collaborative

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: R***G*** T************* <*************@hotmail.com>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Friday, November 4, 2011 10:44:57 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji

Ummm what is the vici doll i thought the ad was for the lifesize domo doll...  Please remove me from the small wonders club .

Thank you.

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "DOMO - HUGE (almost TWO FEET TALL) plush Domokun Domo-Kun" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Fri, 4 Nov 2011 21:19:35 -0600
To: *************@hotmail.com

Dear Small Wonder superfan,

Why do you want to be removed from the group? It's a great source for all your Small Wonderous needs! Since you are a Small Wonders fan, I thought you would really want to be a part of the group.

This is a picture of Ted from the show. I have a rape-face-smile just like he does right now because I'm such a big fan of the show!

Regards,

Dave

___________________________________________________________________________________

Just Another Driving Rant

Picture it. Deerfoot Trail. Post-rush-hour traffic so there were no back-ups but traffic was steady. I'm moving along happily at the speed limit of 100km/h. Then, as I near my off-ramp, I come up behind...

The Stupid Asshole!

I hate these drivers. They drive on a major highway and seem completely oblivious to everything around them. Sometimes the Stupid Asshole will fail to pilot their vehicle within the segmented lines that make up their lane and swerve into your lane without even knowing what the hell is going on. Sometimes the Stupid Asshole crosses three or more lanes of traffic without ensuring it is safe to do so, thus cutting off those good drivers behind. Sometimes the Stupid Asshole merges on the highway at a speed far below the posted speed limit, causing you to have to slam on your brakes and cause everyone behind you to do the same. And sometimes the Stupid Asshole simply maintains a speed below the limit. The Stupid Asshole I was behind today was the latter.

Stupid Assholes not only disturb one or two drivers. They succeed in fucking up the traffic pattern for minutes to hours! ASSHOLES!

I can respect that sometimes a vehicle must be driven at a speed below the limit. If a car is riding on a doughnut spare tire (those spares that are smaller than regular tires for temporary use) that has an 80km/h maximum speed rating. Sometimes a vehicle may have sustained damage on the same road and now must travel more slowly until the driver can get off the road. And sometimes the entire flow of traffic averages below the speed limit, and I always say it is safer to drive with the flow of traffic than being a self-righteous douchewad.
Aside from those reasons, no vehicle has any excuse for driving below the speed limit unless they are stuck behind a Stupid Asshole or yielding to an emergency vehicle.

So now you can imagine why I become cross when I come up behind a Stupid Asshole. And you can imagine how frustrated I was when I came up behind this particular Stupid Asshole and discovered that there were two other Stupid Assholes in the other two lanes. It was like they were having a Stupid Asshole convention and driving side-by-side to effectively mach-block every vehicle behind was part of the festivities. I actually expected to see these Stupid Assholes with their arms outstretched from their windows to hold hands with their fellow Stupid Assholes, like it were Stupid Asshole pride parade.

Anyway, there was no where for me to go. I had to slow down to a mother effing 73km/h and so did everyone else around me. I attempted to honk, but the defining trait of a Stupid Asshole is that their obliviousness means they either don't realize the honk was directed at them or they think that they are good drivers and the honker is clearly insane. Out of options, I did what any one of you would have done.

I waved my hand across and said in my best Sir Alec Guinness voice "This is not the lane you're looking for." Now I'm not sure if the Stupid Asshole noticed my gesturing (and assumed I wanted him to move to the left)  or if I've nearly perfected my Jedi mind trick abilities, but that Stupid Asshole sped up and moved left in front of his fellow Stupid Asshole, leaving the right lane clear of Stupid Asshole obstacles! I returned to speed and continued on my way.

So it's true. Jedi mind tricks DO work on the weak minded and on Stupid Assholes. Now that I'm a believer, I'll be joining the Jedi order. If only that religion can teach me to use the Force to PUSH Stupid Assholes out of my way, I'll be the happiest driver in the world. But once the Stupid Assholes are all out of the way all the time, would I remain content or would my definition of Stupid Assholes change to accomodate less stupid and less assholic people? Like the dude that smokes in his car and flicks ashes out the window (grrrrrr!!!)? Or the gal in the Smart Car who parks her car by pulling it up to the line, thus making it appear to other parking stall hunters that her stall is empty until they're practically pulling into it? Oh yes, I could see it being an easy fall to the dark side. Perhaps a better idea would be to have cars that drive themselves. Just imagine what a wonderful commute it would be when everything was automated? Oh my, the possibilities!

/rant

Dave's a Dick (8 of ?)

ORIGINAL AD:

Rare Arcee figure from the Transformers animated series. She was a Toys R Us exclusive and difficult to find now. Sealed on the card.

If you're reading this, the item is available. Offers will be considered. I will respond to your offer if I accept it or if I have a counter offer. Insulting low-ball offers will be ignored. Thank you.


____________________________________________________________________________________

On 2011-10-30, at 11:51, "Kijiji Reply (from kenergon1988@hotmail.com)" <post@kijiji.ca> wrote:

Hello! The following is a reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji:

From: ************@hotmail.com

I am buying this for my son, would you take $10? I can't spend too much on toys, thank you


____________________________________________________________________________________

From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2011 12:57:04 -0600
To: ************@hotmail.com

I will not go lower than $20. It is a rare figure and I paid more than my asking price for it. 

Regards,

Dave

Sent via telepathy.

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: Ken ***** <************@hotmail.com>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Sunday, October 30, 2011 1:05:27 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji

but transformers like this size is always like $9 on sale in local store. I have never seen them higher than $14

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2011 14:37:09 -0600
To: ************@hotmail.com

 Dear Ken,

Thank you for pointing out that some Transformers are on sale for $9 in the local store. That is very true. Local stores often have sales for a variety of items. Just the other day I was able to get a large tub of Brylcreem pomade for the unbeatable price of $2.99! I don't actually use Brylcreem in my hair as I'm not a man living in the 1950s. However, it makes for a great lubricator in my engine and at this price it is cheaper than oil. Some mechanics argue that it is irreparably damaging my engine, but I think they're just upset that I'm not spending money in their garage and will say anything to try and get me back as a customer.

However, this particular Transformer you will not find in any local store for under $30, and you would be lucky to find it at all. It is an exclusive toy that was only available at one store and was only available for a short time. Please check eBay for this Transformer as you may find a better deal than I am offering, but once you factor in shipping I very much doubt it. 

Have you ever read the comic book Spider-Man? He is one of my favourite characters and I often feel that he and I share what is commonly referred to in the comic book and other popular culture as a "spider sense." While he senses impending danger, I sense impending bollocks. When a person messages me offering me a price for an item that is a shocking 40% of my asking price and then argues that similar items are available for much less elsewhere, my first instinct - or bollocks sense, as it were - is to ask why the person wasted time emailing me to tell me that stores sell them for less. A logical behaviour would be to simply thank me for my time and then go out and buy the toy elsewhere for the largely reduced price. But what you have done is emailed me back and said that other stores sell these for $9 and therefore I should lower my price.

*BOLLOCKS SENSE IS TINGLING*

With respect, my bollocks sense suggests to me that you probably are aware of the rarity and value of this Arcee toy and were hoping that by attempting to make me feel foolish by saying I'm charging 60% more than local stores for the same item, I would lower my price to compete and thus give you a valuable item for chump change. Aside from bollocks sense, my keen powers of deduction deduce that this toy is for you and not your son, mainly because your email address is Transformers-related. Sadly you picked the wrong dude with a pseudo-super-power and Sherlock-Holmes-like deduction with whom to battle wits! This reminds me of the time that I went to my local car dealership and told the salesman that the Audi A8 that I was interested in purchasing was available at a rival dealership for $9.99 and a case of beer. I think the salesman also had a bollocks sense because he said, and I quote, "Are you F#*@ing kidding me? Who the $&@( do you think I am to think I would believe this load of #*@(??? This vehicle retails for over sixty thousand dollars right now, and while I wish I could have a cold beer at work, there's no way my manager would allow me to mark the price down to $9.99! Get out of here before I soak a noodle in hot water and flog you mercilessly with it!" Needless to say, my ploy failed, much like yours has failed here today.

However, I am willing to negotiate a price. My asking price is $25, so I would be happy to offer you this item for the low price of $30 plus the cost of postage and handling to your home. The grand total is $45. No tax because this is a private transaction. You may pay me via PayPal or three twenty-dollar bills (sorry, I don't provide change). As an added bonus, I will be including in the box the air that surrounds the toy. Because the toy is rare and sought after, the air will also be worth more than regular air. Kind of like how a lock of Elvis' hair is worth more than a baggie of pubic hair from Kathy Bates. I trust that my generosity will put an end to this ugly disagreement.

Regards,

Dave

Sent via standard desktop computer


___________________________________________________________________________________

From: Ken ***** <************@hotmail.com>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Sunday, October 30, 2011 3:32:31 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji

Well, thank you for your kindly respond. I really appreciate it. I actually find several Arcee from ebay who sell cheaper than you including the shipping. If you could sell it with $25, good luck and no thanks. Like you said, I will get out of here before you soak a noodle in hot water and flog me mercilessly with it!

___________________________________________________________________________________

From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Transformers Arcee Animated Series Figure NMOC" Ad on Kijiji
Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2011 16:28:32 -0600
To: ************@hotmail.com

Dear Ken,

I'm rather confused about your statement. You said you will "get out of here." Get out of where? Are you in my computer? I once had a dream that the little creepy alien guy that peddled Reese's Pieces in the 1980s was living in my computer. Every time I hit the SHIFT key repeatedly, he would scream "GLUBGRAFUTZ" and a barrage of Reese's Pieces would inexplicably burst out from the web camera and violate me in and around my face. You think Reese's Pieces are delicious? Try imbibing them when they come flying at your head at 100 miles an hour! And that's why nowadays when you press the SHIFT key several times in a row, Windows brings up a pop-up window asking if you want to turn on sticky keys. True story. Tell your friend.

Strangely enough, hitting the ~ key led to him making strange orgasmic moaning noises. I can't blame him for that though. ~ is the sexiest symbol on my keyboard. There's something innately saucy about a squiggly line. It looks like a wet noodle.

This is what the Reese's alien looks like for your records:

So I just ate a banana. It was at that perfect time when it was ripe enough to eat but not so ripe that black spots were on it. Isn't it strange how bananas go bad so quickly, and that is only exacerbated when chilled in the refrigerator, yet other fruits like apples, oranges, plums, nectarines, peaches, and all those yumtastic fruits can last for ages? I found a plum in my fridge that I had bought about five months prior and it was still firm and ripe and delicious! Well I don't know about delicious. I packed it in my nephew's lunch, along with a swizel stick and half a can of flat Diet Coke. He was fine. He ended up becoming violently ill (projectile vomit and everything) but there was a flu bug going around.

Speaking of vomit, you'd be surprised to learn that I have not vomited since 1993. Isn't that ridiculously awesome? I've never even felt the impending need to purge. I think it's a good thing that I don't vomit though. Did you know that your puke actually contains a little bit of feces? It's feces in the earliest stages before it gets plunged through your intestines, but you're basically getting poopies in your mouth every time you have a technicolor yawn. I don't know about you, but I don't like shit in my mouth, whether it goes down the pipes our out the maw. 

At any rate, I would also like to point out that I made no threat, directly or implied, that I would soak a noodle in hot water and flog you mercilessly with it. That would be considered uttering threats (or whatever the print version of that would be). Even if I did want to take you out behind the barn and lash you with mushy pasta, I doubt that it would really teach you a lesson. Unless I filmed it and then sold it in the fetish market. I could make a fortune and I would blur out your face so that I would not have to pay you any royalties. Then you would see it at your local adult video store and you would cry because I am rich and you are poor and life is unfair.

In closing, should you decide to send another low-ball offer my way, before you do, please take a moment to look at the following picture:

Your new-found obsession for and irrational fear of moist noodles will spare us both the hassle. Though for the record, there is nothing to be ashamed of regarding being afraid of damp pasta. Everyone has different fears. For example, I'm afraid of wasp nests after I throw rocks at them and I'm afraid of my grandmother when she tries to stab me with knitting needles. You're afraid of wheat and starch. Potato, potahto.

Have a noodlrific day!

Regards,

Dave