Friday, December 16, 2011

Public Service Announcement #1 of 1

Sometimes I like to take a peek at my blogspot stats. You know, to see how epic my readership is. Then once I see how pathetic my page hits are, I cry myself to sleep. That being said, via stats I can also see the different sources from which people were linked to my blog AND much more interesting are the Google search terms that people used that led to them viewing my page. Now there are some odd searches that show up, such as one for dill diarrhea and one for stalker tits (those two words haven't shown up together in a single entry of mine but both words are peppered throughout my blog as a whole). But one that I found to be interesting was a search for "how to make a caulk dildo."

This search led to my page because of a glorious tale I told involving the creation and disposal of caulk dildos (Dildos and the Diarrhea Dill). Now that search term tells me that someone who is either really cheap or really embarrassed about going into adult stores wants to create a homemade sex toy. Um...Something tells me that silicone caulking is probably not the kind of material a person should be pushing, packing, clogging, ramming, stuffing, shoving, slamming, prodding, poking, plugging, jamming, impaling, cramming, or plunging into their bodies. So to all of those people who said that my blog is simply entertaining nonsense and does nothing to make the world a better place (thanks for the support, grandma), I'm using my blog as a public service announcement.

Please! Keep tub caulking dildos out of your woo-hoos and browneyes and other assorted orifices that nature gave you or that you gave yourselves! Sure, you might argue that the whole point of caulking is that it is used to fill cracks. Also you might say that it was named after a slang term for a part of the male anatomy. You might even say that before it dries, the way it squooshes between your toes and buttcheeks is very sexual and makes you go "squeeeeeeeeee." But caulking is purchased from a hardware store (I know the name can be confusing since it has "hard" in it) and not an adult store,  is meant for inanimate objects and not people parts, probably has some sort of warning label about external use only, and the nails you'd have jutting out of it might give you tetanus.

So if you're low on cash, rob a bank. Scoop change out of a mall fountain. Steal from your child's piggie bank. Become a prostitute. Sell your kidney. Harvest your child's kidney and sell that. But don't skimp on the sex toys.
And if you're shy, order online and ask them to deliver in an unmarked brown-wrapped box (because when someone receives something in a brown-wrapped box, no one EVER assumes that the contents are pornographic or otherwise sexual) or dress up in Groucho Marx glasses, fedora, and an ankle-length trench coat when you enter a sex shop to safely hide your true identity.
But whatever you do, don't make sex toys from hardware supplies and kitchen appliances. And for the love of god, don't use your pets. Contrary to what some people might say, gerbils are NOT meant for insertion.

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