Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dildos and the Diarrhea Dill.

Most stories I have shared in this blog are a true testament to my immaturity when I was a child. Sadly, few have given a look into my immaturity as an adult. I have some truly immature tendencies when I'm with the right company. One friend in particular provides a good bad influence on me as I do on him. We play off each other perfectly to get up to all sorts of mischief and odd activities. I promised to keep his name a secret for the sake of the blog. He had a good reason for this and I see no reason to disrespect his wishes. As a result, I have changed his name to Kobe Masahiko (he'll get the reference but to everyone else reading this is the name of the Iron Chef Italian). 
Kobe and I were (and still are) fans of the shock humour and the absurd humour. The absurdity was often only funny to Kobe and me, such as the time we took pocketfuls of tiny rubber rock polishing pieces and other small items and releasing them by the handful as we walked through busy malls and other public areas. It created an interesting "whoosh" sound as the pieces landed on the floor which made others look. Anyone reading this likely fails to see how this is funny, and I cannot really explain it. It was merely because we were doing something annoying and we thought it hilarious. In reality, we just made a big mess for the caretakers and nothing more.

Speaking of messes, there was a time in which Kobe and I went to a certain mall in Calgary after a computer-part-shopping-trip. Kobe had inexplicably brought along two packets of a creamy dill sauce. These packets were easily as big as a fist and the sauce had a very...odd appearance. Basically, the sauce looked more like it came out instead of about to go in...If you catch my meaning. Whatever were we to do with these two large packets of diarrhea dill? Dispose of them in the washroom, of course. We took turns, Kobe first, entering the men's washroom. Kobe poured his dill sauce packet into the bowl and neglected to flush. The next person to view that toilet would be in for a surprise. It was funny to us, but I knew I could do better. I poured a bit into the toilet and then proceeded to drip and squirt the rest of the dill sauce all over the toilet seat and around the outside of the bowl. I got some on the tank, on the wall of the stall, and even a small trail leading from the toilet out into the main part of the washroom. It looked as though someone had a really nasty accident! I exited the washroom all grin and boasted to Kobe about my masterpiece. Sadly, a janitor entered the washroom as I left, so Kobe was unable to see. We got the fuck out of there before the caretaker put two and two together and realised we were the culprits of the nasty dill sauce fiasco.

It was at that same mall during a Boxing Day shopping trip that Kobe and I struck again. Kobe, being bored one day, took two condoms and filled them with tub caulking. The result once dry? Something that was essentially the same as a dildo. Two white, rubbery, floppy phallic chunks of caulking. Since Kobe had absolutely no use for them (keep your jokes in your heads, you perverts), we decided to take them to the mall for some mischievous entertainment. Kobe took the first caulking dildo into that very same washroom mentioned above. He cautiously awaited his chance when no one was looking, and tossed it into one of the urinals. The funny thing about this situation was that the dildo was exactly the same colour as the porcelain of the dildo, rendering it essentially invisible unless one was looking directly at it. And the first person who would have opportunity to look directly at it would be the first dude to take a piss at that urinal. Not only would this man receive a surprise to the eye, but there stood a strong likelihood that when the man started draining the lizard he would get some splash-back from hitting the "caulk." Get it? Double entendre! Damn I'm clever.
What Kobe had done was funny to be sure. But sadly, it would not necessarily get the attention it deserved. Unless the man using the urinal in question flipped out and came running from the washroom screaming, only he would really know. He might tell a caretaker or he might leave it for the next unsuspecting person, but it was still small-beans. I could do better.
When Kobe made the second caulk dildo, he gave it a bit of flair that the first was missing. While the second one was still drying, Kobe had driven nails and screws through it. Once dried, the result was an abomination. If ever they make a Saw porn film, this item would no doubt be used. It had nails and screws jutting out at all angles and looked as much like a weapon as it did a sex toy. All I knew is that it was special and needed an audience. But where...WHERE could I place this thing where I could retain anonymity and it would provide some real shock?
The Wal-Mart toy department! I went into the toy department and waited for the opportunity. Then I placed it on a lower shelf, sitting triumphantly for all to see. It really was the last thing I'd expect to see next to Star Wars action figures. It was crude, offensive, and downright dangerous. I know this. I shouldn't have left it where kids could handle it. I wasn't thinking. But let's face it...parents should not be leaving their kids alone in a busy store, particularly on Boxing Day! So I don't blame myself. I blame the parents. Yep, it's the parents' fault that it was left there in the first place........*cough cough*


There were many incidents in which Kobe and I did something immature and stupid for the sake of a laugh, such as rearranging the wooden craft letters found in craft stores/departments to spell out rude things, or going to Smitty's in a different town and dumping the packets of condiments and jams onto our plates and into our glasses (among other places on the table) just to make a monumental mess of everything, but the above are just a few of the real WTF examples of what Kobe and I were capable of when left alone to our own devices.
I'd like to think that Kobe and I have grown up enough to not do such things today, but we haven't had the opportunity to hang out much in the last few years. When next we do hang out, we'll have to ensure that we do so with empty pockets and keep away from that unnamed mall...something tells me we'll never be welcome there again.

1 comment:

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