Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Online Dating Disasters 2

When I first came up with the idea of sharing the unpleasant and hilarious online dating stories of my friends for the amusement of the world wide web, it seemed like a good idea. However, after speaking with a few people regarding their opinions of the Online Dating Disasters theme in my blog, I've learned that it has not been received all that well. Perhaps I just think it's more interesting and entertaining than others. But it's not worth harassing friends to finish their stories so I may post them (you know who you guys are, M and C!), so I'll be retiring the dating disaster stories. However, a friend sent me over her story today and it's pretty damn entertaining...not so much because of her dating experience itself, but because her no-nonsense personality led to a pretty great outcome to the experience. Please enjoy her story because if you don't you'll feel sad that you wasted a few minutes of your life reading something you didn't like:

When I started online dating I had a hopeful outlook on love and finding ‘The One’. After a few failed “relationships”- several dates with the same guy over the course of a month or more - I started to come to the realization that it wasn’t as fantastic as I expected.
While there were a few guys that showed me how poor online dating could be, there was one that stood out from the rest. He was a musician. I saw his profile on a dating site and was instantly attracted. I messaged him something witty... and he responded back with something witty. Blah Blah Blah. Found out he worked at a big telecommunications company in town, played in a heavy metal band (gross), worked part time as a DJ in a well known country bar... and all around seemed like a really cool guy. We decided to meet up for coffee.
When I first saw him he was everything I expected from his pictures.... just a bit pudgier. No biggie. We talked for hours. He seemed to disclose A LOT of a first date, but at the time- I found it fresh and endearing. He never made himself out to be something that he wasn’t- and I really liked that about him. Things progressed quickly after that.

Side Note- I’m that girl that gets the second date. I’m the girl who has men cling onto me and end up seeing each other every other day. It’s easy to understand how quickly relationships are built and fizzle with me.

So- we hang out and one night he brings me back to his place. He lives in an apartment with a roommate and a fat cat. They are both musicians and men- I wasn’t expecting an immaculately clean place. HOWEVER- was not prepared for the sty that was his bedroom. He slept on a stained mattress, covers strewn about and pillows without cases. I was beyond horrified. But still- it did not deter me from sticking with him (not that night- gross- hell no- barf). Plus- during this time, I was going through a non judgmental phase in my life, so nothing really scared me off.

Ladies- NEVER go through this phase. It doesn’t make you a good person or less of a bitch if you don’t judge. It makes you an idiot. Learn from my mistakes!

Anyways- I buy him a brand new bed set. Since I had a nice cushy job, I had money to throw around and not bother to save- I decided he’d be a nice project. We continued to date, and I continued to grow increasingly annoyed/disgusted with him. He had a “Father Knows Best” attitude and would gladly give you advice on life- even though it was never asked of him. He liked to pretend to be smart and have intellectual conversations… about his bowel movements, guitar amps and LOLcats. His spelling was terrible- on purpose. It’s as if he wrote like he, himself was a LOLcat. He had spacers (the nasty ear pieces that would stretch your earlobes) that he would play with, and then bring his fingers from ear to nose to smell the rancid odour they emanated (all the time). He was a caveman.
What finally put me over the edge [with this relationship] was Valentine’s Day.
Remember that cushy job I was mentioning earlier? Well, they downsized a third of the company (including me). I was devastated. I had never been laid off/fired/let go… whatever. Sure I was packaged out, but this was in the middle of the recession and I had bills to pay. I texted him what had happened and he seemed rather supportive. Told me it was a minor bump, and he knew I’d get through it. He told me he’d take me out to a movie that night to cheer me up.
He picked me up from my house and took me to the theatre. Bought the movie tickets and asked if I wanted a snack. I wasn’t overly hungry, as I was still in shock. He decided he was hungry and made his way to the concession stand. Ordered a crap load of stuff and then looked to me. “Since I bought the movie tickets, want to buy the snacks?” he asked ignoring the fact that I was recently unemployed. I paid for them out of pure spite and hatred for the man. Movie was good. Once done we headed back to his place- he was certain he still had some tricks up his sleeve to cheer me up. He didn’t and eventually I passed out at his place- big mistake. In the morning I woke up to some… wandering hands. I’m like a bear in the morning. I hate to be woken up. I declined his rather boorish advances and left the room to the washroom. When I came back I asked him to drive me home. He decided he wanted to sleep more and he’d take me home after. I was stuck. I waited unit LATE afternoon for him to roll out of bed and take me home. I was livid. That evening, I texted him to end things. Told him I no longer wanted it and asked that he drop off my stuff (I had some jewellery I forgot at his place the night before). He proceeds to tell me, I’m overreacting to the fact that I was laid off and needed to cool down a bit. When I insisted that wasn’t the case, he shrugged it off and told me he’d call me later.
A week went by and I texted several times to get my stuff back. He eventually agreed to come over Friday night to drop it off. I had planned a date that night and asked that he come earlier… he said he’d be there when he could. When he finally did come by, I had to push my date back twice. I opened the door, let him in, grabbed my stuff from him and went back into the washroom to finish up my make-up. He called out to me. I came back to where he was, “we need to talk”, he says.
“You think?” I ask humorously.
“I just don’t think it’s working out”, he replies with a pitiful face that I realize is meant to show concern for me. The bugger actually thought he was going to hurt my feelings by ending things with ME. I was speechless. I could not believe he thought so highly of himself that he would need to let me down lightly. He continues, “I just think you and I are too much like.”
“Right. Not working. Got it. Is that all?”I ask as I’m holding back vomit.
He leaves and I go on my date. I never hear from him again… until about a year and a half later I get a facebook message from him.
I will close out this entry with what followed thereafter:

Him- So, I'm writing a book. it's about dating and meeting women minus the douche baggery.

Long story short, I'm interviewing as many of the women from my personal history who have had an impact in one way or another.

The premise of the book is the hardsell. Basically, taking a guy who may now have all the best traits on paper and helping him to get to know and meet the right kind of woman.

During a period of personal trial you and I were seeing one another, and I'd like you to have your say. The interviews get transcribed directly and verbatim. Editting is only in the areas of details and the where's. Stuff like a nick name for you that you choose etc. Stuff that protects your identity from a story that maybe not everyone you know needs to know your role in.

Let me know if you'd be interested or at least be down to discuss some details if you'd like. Either way it'd be neato to catch up a bit.

It's a social focus book and it is intended for adult audiences and to garner frank discussion amongst single folks and couples. I have zero desire to defame anyone except maybe myself ha ha!

Basically, the deal is we sit down and we discuss the relationship, the arch of it, things we got from it, took from it, where we wound up since etc etc. I can go over the ideas for the chapters with you if you'd like. This is intended to assist gentlemen such as myself who have a personal situation that might make getting a woman to talk to you difficult, like: living with your folks, kind of chubby, maybe know, stuff that can be a deal breaker for women.

The book is called “____________________________?” and it goes over essential skills to have from a womans perspective, how to talk with women and enjoy their company in the many ways it can be had, and to know when to back out gracefully if at all possible. We’d have to sit down and have a recorded conversation. You’d get to ask me questions etc etc. it’s all about the back and forth in any relationship so the book is aimed at reflecting that.

- Kurt

Me- Hey- I'm not really into meeting up for a beer or anything.
I can answer some questions through here if you wanted... but that's probably the extent to the communication I'm willing to do. So if that works, let me know.


His questions, my responses

Totally cool man! please be as brutally honest as you can. If a level of bitterness pops up, let it fuel your response, I’m looking for 100% complete honesty. Be brutal, be scathing if it must be said, it’s all part of the process. So, I suppose the first few bits we might cover are simple things to start...

Age? 25.

Current sexual preference(s)? Men (always has been always will be. I like them too much to desert them for the fairer sex).

What do you do for a living? Telecommunications
What is your current living situation? I live with my cat in a quaint apartment off of 17th ave.
Are you single or with someone? With someone
On our first date having London Fogs in that shitty little cafe, what stuck out the most overall? I thought you talked... A LOT. You disclosed too much too soon. It was a bit overwhelming. I also remember being surprised with your body type. From your pictures, I assumed you would be leaner.

On our last date when I came by to confirm our end, what stuck out the most overall? When you came over, I was getting ready for a date. I was irritated that I had to push everything back to have you stop by and tell me what I had been trying to do ever since Valentine’s Day. I was annoyed with the fact that I had tried to end it with you a week earlier, and you basically blew me off. You told me I was just stressed about being laid off and that I needed time to collect myself again. The fact that you told me we were too much alike disgusted me. I was and will never be like you.

How is your outlook on myself as a person post data? I'm disgusted and annoyed. More with myself though. Like I said- I was going through my non judgmental phase and stuck around with you for longer than I should. You were NOT my type and you irritated me regularly. BUT- I wanted affection and someone to adore me. I was terribly depressed at the time you and I met. The only man I had ever loved, moved away to be with a female named Ginger (whom he had cheated on me with for the span of our 5 year relationship). Loneliness is a funny thing, you'll settle for just about anything. Anything.
Constructive criticisms for me as a single man? Try not to be such a "know-it-all". It bothered me when you'd go all "Father Knows Best" on me and try to counsel me on MY life. Also, don't disclose so much so fast and be more selective about the stories you share with the opposite sex (like turning your first girlfriend into a human hand puppet). Watch your P's and Q's. Even though gas and other bodily functions are a natural thing, be a gentleman and don't share it with a girl you have only been on a couple of dates with. Don't act like a child and type like one. It's not cute, it's illiteracy. Alternatively, continue as you are, and just aim your sights low. Really low, and you might actually hit something from time to time.

What is your number one pet peeve about dating? In general? Lacking tact, common sense, and/or manners.

How do you feel about marriage? Children? Both are appropriate under the right circumstances.
What did you take from our relationship forward that might impact the way you do things with a new romance? Funny story- met a guy that reminded me SO much of you. Didn't realize until I was a few dates into it and feeling at a loss to explain a nagging sense of repulsion. Then as we were talking on the phone, it suddenly hit me- this guy is EXACTLY like Kurt. Talked, sounded, acted, the same way you did. Even kind of had the same smile. The instant this realization hit me, I broke it off. Even FUNNIER I broke it off the same day I ran into you at Ranchman's back in December. To be honest- you fall under the category of 'mistakes'. So when I'm in a new romance, if I'm looking for one to last that is, I try to avoid men that remind me of you and a few more 'mistakes". Keep in mind, some guys that I dated that didn't work out- do not fall into my 'mistakes' list. In fact, I'm very good friends with some of them, and others I look back on with fondness. I've walked away from them having grown and developed. You- I get this pit-in-my-stomach, "I can't believe I did that" disgusting feeling when I think about you. Like the tequila I once consumed far too much of, the mere thought of you now stirs up slight feelings of nausea. So to answer your question- I've learned to listen to the still small voice inside my head that says "you're better than this".
When was the moment/series of events that you knew we were destined to end? For me, the end was in sight from the very beginning. You were to occupy my time until something better came my way. I know this makes me sound terrible, but it's true and not uncommon. Everyone finds a "filler" from time to time.
Considering our individual issues, how did that impact our relationship at the time? I found you to be annoying. You tried to be my therapist and forced me to talk about things I wasn't comfortable with. You had a certain airs about you that I'm sure you thought came off as intelligent, introspective and dignified- but to me you just came off as pompous and presumptuous. I liked you- but the novelty of you wore off very quick. Obviously, this can be all summed up to my "issues" or your complete lack of substance.

Least favourite memory of our relationship? The Day before and Valentine’s Day. You and I had gone to see a movie the night before. That was two days after I was laid off. You wanted to take me out and cheer me up. You picked me up, took me to the theatre to which I believe we went dutch (smooth move- get the girl who just lost her job to pay for theatre food that only YOU really ate. IN FACT- I remember you used my money to buy like $40.00 worth of theatre food, with no regard to how I JUST LOST MY JOB, and I think you left a full box of reeses pieces in the theatre. Real smooth). Even though I was outrageously annoyed by you- I slept over. You tried to wake me up with some sort of sexual act- I wasn't having it. I didn't want to be touched and you were very forceful. It infuriated me. THEN- you slept, while I watched tv. It was seriously the worst morning after. I wanted to go home, but had no ride, and having spent all my money on theatre snacks, couldn't afford a cab. I even told you I wanted to go home- you decided to sleep more instead, rather than just drive me home. I felt trapped in a disgusting home, with a disgusting man (no offense). You didn't drive me home until 4pm or some other ridiculous time. I hated it. I hated you. I tried to end it a few days later- you blew it off.
What could Kurt have done better? To be honest- I think you were being yourself. Which, I despised. It bothered me that you were SO immature. You sat on forums, had many underage friends, typed and sometimes spoke like a child- or a 16 year your old girl, you talked about your bowel movements, you were loud, ignorant, unintentionally rude with your "I know everything" attitude, you dressed horribly, you were poor (and flaunted your poverty. See; your bed and outfits), and you were aggravating. Other than that- have a nice room to bring a girl back to. Even though you look like you have an STI - you don't have to live in one (that's a play on words- get it?!?!).
What could you have done better? Maintained my standards and avoided you from the beginning. I was slumming it, and even though you amused me at times, I shouldn't have ever bothered. I understand I have my flaws. I guess you just have to find someone that will love you, flaws and all. I've found that (scary, I know). Perhaps there's hope for you as well.

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