Sunday, June 26, 2011

Dave's a Dick (5 of ?)

--- On Tue, 6/21/11, Kijiji Reply (from ************** <> wrote:

From: Kijiji Reply (from ************** <>
Subject: Reply to your "DXG Digital Video Camera - 3 Mega Pixel DXG-305V" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Tuesday, June 21, 2011, 2:52 PM
Hello! The following is a reply to your "DXG Digital Video Camera - 3 Mega Pixel DXG-305V" Ad on Kijiji:

From: **************
hi is it still available

Date: Tue, 21 June 2011 19:51:58 -0700
Subject: Re: Reply to your "DXG Digital Video Camera – 3 Mega Pixel DXG-305V" Ad on Kijiji
To: **************

Dear **************,

Thank you for your inquiry. I sincerely apologize for the confusion regarding the availability of this item. I can certainly understand how the statement "If you're reading this, it's still available" in the advertisement could be misleading and require clarification of whether or not the item is indeed still available. I made the error in assuming that people visiting the ad could read and also comprehend what was being read.

Sidebar: In the above sentence, the first "read" is present tense and thus pronounced "reed," while the second "read" is past tense and therefore should be pronounced "red." I would like to avoid further confusion so I will add informative sidebars when necessary.

After reviewing my ad at length, I've come to the conclusion that you may have missed the line describing the item's availability because it is considered "the fine print." I frequently miss out on reading "the fine print" because the print is truly so fine.

Sidebar: In this instance, "fine" is used to mean small and not to mean attractive and/or sexually arousing. Sexually stimulating print would be considered "smut" instead of "fine," though I do admit that naughty stories are pretty damn fine actually. If you became aroused from my fine print, then due to the fact that this is a potential transaction, it could be considered written prostitution, and therefore we should cease any buy/sell relationship.

The reason I overlook "the fine print" in agreements and contracts is because the written type is so small. Due to the fact that my father is a Mr. Magoo look-alike and my mother a fruit bat, my vision is extremely poor. I suffer from severe myopia which leads to hilarious hijinks while I drive on Deerfoot Trail or try to navigate through rotating doors. I wear glasses that appear to be the bottoms of Coke bottles secured in a coat hanger bent to resemble spectacles. My mother told me they were stylish when I bought them in the fifth grade, but to be honest I cannot see enough detail through them to gauge my own opinion in a mirror. Sadly, they are also heavy, and I have to avoid going outside in the sun because they magnify the light and give me severe sunburn on my eyelids. On the bright side, they make terrific paperweights and, if I'm fast enough, will crush the skull of a rat in a single blow.

At any rate, last year I decided to join one of those 12 DVDs for a penny clubs, but failed to read the fine print when I submitted my order. I got the twelve DVDs for a penny, including three Pauly Shore films, The Best of Rachel Ray, and the entire Twilight saga. But they neglected to tell me that I had to pay $240 in shipping charges, which I found to be excessive since I picked them up directly from the warehouse. Also, as it turned out, the contract stated (in the fine print) that if I took the dozen movies for a penny, I would have to let a crocodile mate with my completion. Have you ever been the subject of a crocodile's lustful advances? If not, please consider yourself lucky and I pray you never have to experience it...especially the aftermath. My arm still feels sticky to this day.

Regarding my ad, while I did not include the clause that the buyer of this item be raped by a large carnivorous animal, I do respect that my statement of availability may have been difficult to read. The font is the same size as the rest of the listing, but most people have short attention spans and don't finish reading. For example, I went to re-read the listing and could only get through two and a half sentences before my neck began to hurt and my eyes felt strained and tired. I left the computer for an hour to take a power nap before reading the remaining five sentences (though it did take me approximately three hours to finish as I had to get up to use the washroom and make dinner during that time).
I will be changing "the fine print" to make it more noticeable as a public service to all my potential customers. In fact, I have rewritten the listing so my customer base can better understand what I am saying. For your convenience, I have provided an edit of the body of my listing here:

"Hi there! I have a video camera for sale. It is blue and shiny and makes movies!!! It cost lots of allowance money but now I'm selling it for less money back! If you get batteries, it works!!!!!

If you're reading this, it's still available."

I hope this clears up all confusion.



Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dave's a Dick (4 of ?)

From: Kijiji Reply (from *****.******* <>
Subject: Reply to your "Batman The Dark Knight Joker T-Shirt - New with Tags - Size M" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Monday, June 13, 2011, 8:00 PM
Hello! The following is a reply to your "Batman The Dark Knight Joker T-Shirt - New with Tags - Size M" Ad on Kijiji:

From: *****.*******

do you deliver?

On Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 9:04 PM, Handsome Dave <> wrote:

Dear Thanks,

Do you mean delivery at an additional cost or free?



On Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 9:31PM, Leon ******* <*****.*******>  wrote:

i am in Evergreen.
Is that far away from you?

On Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 11:07PM, Handsome Dave <> wrote:

Dear Leon,

Your question is rather vague in its presentation. Evergreen could be any number of places. Since this was not clarified, I will assume you live in the fictitious Evergreen Forest. I admit I am jealous that you live in such a quiet, peaceful, and serene locale. I live in Calgary, and the closest thing to serenity that I experience is when I go to use the washroom (number 2) in the middle of the night and discover I remembered to put the seat back down earlier in the day. Nothing offensively wakes a person from a state of being half asleep like the chilly porcelain of a toilet bowl. I've often thought about inventing a non-porcelain toilet to the point of creating prototypes. Sadly, I was about eight when I created my first prototype out of a cardboard box, twist ties, and my father's shaving cream for the pearly-white colour. My understanding of the properties of water was clearly lacking, as my first trial run using the cardboard toilet did not go so well. It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't test it on my mother's freshly carpeted living room floor with turds I collected from the dog pen out back. I received quite a spanking for that endeavor, which to this day seems unfair to do to a blossoming inventor.
Have you ever been spanked (as a legitimate punishment and not as some sort of depraved act to elicit sexual stimulation)? I'm not sure I agree with the effectiveness of spanking as positive punishment for children. While it may provide a deterrent to bad behaviour in kids, it also serves to each children that it is okay to swat others on the bottom. When I was twenty-seven, I was arrested and taken to court on a bogus charge of sexual harassment, all because I was patting women on their derrieres in church. Why these women felt "violated" is beyond me. These were your run-of-the-mill front-row old Catholic ladies. If I didn't touch their asses, no one ever would!
My apologies for running off on a tangent. It gets very lonely here. I tend to not bring friends and acquaintances into my home because the night vision telescope aimed at my attractive neighbour's bedroom window, pictorial shrine to said neighbour, and box of tissues labeled "mag rags" raises too many questions. Also, I tend to lick steak knives for fun and keep a selection of inflatable pals sitting on my furniture for company. These things tend to scare people off. However, you'll be happy to know that the shirt of which you inquired is currently being worn by blow-up doll #16.
Anyway, regarding your inquiry about delivery, I unfortunately cannot deliver to the Evergreen Forest as it does not exist. May I recommend you ask Ralph, Melissa, or even Cedric for a lift to Calgary if you wish to pick up the shirt? Don't ask Bert though. He's a lead foot and you'll end up crashing in a ditch and getting your face eaten by real raccoons.
As consolation for not being able to help you out in this matter, please accept this wonderful video link as compensation:



Sunday, June 12, 2011

Bad Parkers Beware!

People that fail to park properly are the bane of my existence. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I do dislike them. If you are a careless parker, you may wish to review the following form letter. Otherwise you might find this letter on your windshield one day soon.

Dear careless or uneducated driver,

The yellow lines you see on the pavement are actually painted there in order to display the boundaries of each parking stall. These lines are provided in order to prevent the chaos of people parking in a variety of directions and angles as well as to maintain distinct driving aisles between rows of parking stalls for easy access. Also, said lines are drawn so to ensure drivers do not park with too much space between vehicles, thus providing more space for a higher volume of vehicles to be able to park on the premises. Basically the lines are applied for the sake of regulation and order in a civilized world.

The proper method in which to use the lines is to park one’s vehicle so that said vehicle does not overlap the painted line to the front or the lines on either side of the vehicle. While it is preferred that one’s vehicle be parked as parallel to the lines on the sides as possible, crookedly parked vehicles that remain within the designated painted lines is acceptable. When a person chooses to park in a haphazard manner (such as you have today), it can become quite inconvenient for other drivers (both those who return to their vehicles and cannot easily gain access because a poor parker’s vehicle has obstructed entry, and those who wish to park and cannot do so because a poor parker’s vehicle has made parking nearby difficult). Poor parking habits are extremely disrespectful to those drivers who know what they are doing.

While you read this informative letter, you may feel offended at my suggestion that you clearly need to be educated in proper parking etiquette, or you may feel enraged enough that you would punch a baby if it was within arm’s reach. I apologize for hurting your delicate feelings. That being said, I hope that I have been able to enrich your life with this knowledge. Please feel free to leave this informative letter in your vehicle and review it before you attempt to park in future. I am confident that if you are diligent with proper parking technique, you too can learn to park respectfully and decently instead of like a total moron. Thank you for your time and consideration,


Concerned Driver.

P.S. If you fuck have sexual relations like you park, you’ll never get it in.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Dave's a Dick (3 of ?)

--- On Thu, 6/2/11, Kijiji Reply (from ************ <> wrote:

From: Kijiji Reply (from ************ <>
Subject: Reply to your "Family Guy - DEATH (Skull variant) NMOC" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Thursday, June 2, 2011, 11:35 PM

Hello! The following is a reply to your "Family Guy - DEATH (Skull variant) NMOC" Ad on Kijiji:

From: ************

I wanted to offer you $20.

I see you are firm but I wanted to offer u $20. It is all I can give u for it



Dear Bety?,

I appreciate your email. However, I am rather confused. You wanted to offer u $20? Who is u and why would you be giving him or her money? Furthermore, what does this u person have to do with the item I have listed? I have been racking my brain over this in an attempt to discover the identity of this mystery u person, and have come to the conclusion that u is actually short for u-boat captain. Did you know that u-boat was actually short for unterseeboot? Well if it was just short for unterseeboot, it would be u-boot.

Sidebar: Wouldn't it be odd to see someone wearing a u-boot? What would that mean anyway? Would the boot be shaped like a u? Or would it just have a u design on the boot? Furthermore, what would THAT u stand for? I think it would stand for ugly because boots shaped like u's would be hideous.

At any rate, after translation to English, unterseeboot means undersea boat and thus shortened to u-boat. Those that commanded (and still do command) u-boats were known as u-boat captains. I was, unfortunately, at a loss as to why you would be wanting to give a u-boat captain any sum of money. Perhaps it is that you are very fond of u-boats and you want to express it through donations?
There are actually many people who do have a fascination with u-boats...and all boats and submarines for that matter. The Freudian in me automatically assumes that people who designed boats, submarines, and so forth did so with a phallic appearance because they were secretly obsessed with the phallus. However, that is just silly. Clearly marine vessels are made in such a manner because it allows them to traverse the water more easily. It's not like there are people out there obsessed with the female equivalent...which I will suggest should be called the phagina...who are making vehicles shaped in such a way. Just imagine a submarine shaped like a soon as it moved forward, it would fill with water and sink!

Anyway, after several more minutes of pondering, I realized that "u" may not be a third party, but rather internet shorthand for "you." Oddly enough, you used the actual word "you" to describe me at first but then transgressed into using the shorthand spelling of "u," which perplexes me. I can only assume that you started the email at a decent pace but then at about the sixteen word mark you became rushed and had to leave the computer. I know that sometimes I start to become bored in writing emails and I start cutting corners whenever possible. A few weeks ago I had to write an email to my MP regarding a problem I was having with homeless people urinating in the dumpster behind my home. It wasn't the urine that was posing any issue as it had no noticeable odour and the walls of the dumpster provided the people peeing some privacy. No, the issue is that I was concerned that the urinating could soon turn to defecating, which in turn would mean that there would be a lot more racoons, flies, and scat fetishists hanging around. Have you ever gone out to your car and witnessed a fully grown man smearing feces all over his forehead and cheeks? It's not a pretty sight, I promise you! But I digress. As I was writing the letter to my MP, asking for the dumpsters to be surrounded by electric fences or watched by armed guards, I was at first very articulate and clever in my request. Sadly, about half way through my email, I suddenly felt ill and my stomach began to wretch. I made a wild dash for my bathroom but sadly my roommate was already in there as she also had the stomach flu. I knocked on my neighbour's door to see if I could use her bathroom but she was not home. With no choice left, I ran out back and dived into the dumpster where I could unleash the fury from my bowels. I was contained in that bin for what seemed like a half hour because every time I went to raise my drawers, I started leaking again. After I expelled all there was to expel, I climbed out of the dumpster (ashamed and embarrassed as there were a few kids hanging around it giggling at all the unpleasant sounds I emitted) and returned home. When I sat back down to the computer, I realized I was being hypocritical and thus my letter completely lost it's proverbial steam. I did get the letter done, amended to say that only people below the poverty line should be restricted from using garbage bins as toilets. If you're wondering, my request was denied, though my MP expressed his wish that I have a speedy recovery from my flu. What a nice gentleman.

Regarding your email, if I assume "u" is the same as "you," I do sincerely appreciate your offer. By stating that you know the price is firm, you have proven that you actually took the time to read the advertisement, which most people do not seem to bother doing. Unfortunately, the definition of "firm," according to the Webster's Dictionary, is not 33% off the total cost of an item. That being said, I know that you really would like to have this figure and you REALLY like u-boats. I would like to offer you a picture of the Death variant figure for the reasonable price of $20. Here it is below:

You may pay via cheque, credit card, or PayPal. Please be sure to pay by Sunday evening as I am planning a pizza party with two of my female friends. I need the money to ensure that everything goes off without a hitch if I want the three-way to happen afterwards. Yay, phagina!