Sunday, June 5, 2011

Dave's a Dick (3 of ?)

--- On Thu, 6/2/11, Kijiji Reply (from ************ <> wrote:

From: Kijiji Reply (from ************ <>
Subject: Reply to your "Family Guy - DEATH (Skull variant) NMOC" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Thursday, June 2, 2011, 11:35 PM

Hello! The following is a reply to your "Family Guy - DEATH (Skull variant) NMOC" Ad on Kijiji:

From: ************

I wanted to offer you $20.

I see you are firm but I wanted to offer u $20. It is all I can give u for it



Dear Bety?,

I appreciate your email. However, I am rather confused. You wanted to offer u $20? Who is u and why would you be giving him or her money? Furthermore, what does this u person have to do with the item I have listed? I have been racking my brain over this in an attempt to discover the identity of this mystery u person, and have come to the conclusion that u is actually short for u-boat captain. Did you know that u-boat was actually short for unterseeboot? Well if it was just short for unterseeboot, it would be u-boot.

Sidebar: Wouldn't it be odd to see someone wearing a u-boot? What would that mean anyway? Would the boot be shaped like a u? Or would it just have a u design on the boot? Furthermore, what would THAT u stand for? I think it would stand for ugly because boots shaped like u's would be hideous.

At any rate, after translation to English, unterseeboot means undersea boat and thus shortened to u-boat. Those that commanded (and still do command) u-boats were known as u-boat captains. I was, unfortunately, at a loss as to why you would be wanting to give a u-boat captain any sum of money. Perhaps it is that you are very fond of u-boats and you want to express it through donations?
There are actually many people who do have a fascination with u-boats...and all boats and submarines for that matter. The Freudian in me automatically assumes that people who designed boats, submarines, and so forth did so with a phallic appearance because they were secretly obsessed with the phallus. However, that is just silly. Clearly marine vessels are made in such a manner because it allows them to traverse the water more easily. It's not like there are people out there obsessed with the female equivalent...which I will suggest should be called the phagina...who are making vehicles shaped in such a way. Just imagine a submarine shaped like a soon as it moved forward, it would fill with water and sink!

Anyway, after several more minutes of pondering, I realized that "u" may not be a third party, but rather internet shorthand for "you." Oddly enough, you used the actual word "you" to describe me at first but then transgressed into using the shorthand spelling of "u," which perplexes me. I can only assume that you started the email at a decent pace but then at about the sixteen word mark you became rushed and had to leave the computer. I know that sometimes I start to become bored in writing emails and I start cutting corners whenever possible. A few weeks ago I had to write an email to my MP regarding a problem I was having with homeless people urinating in the dumpster behind my home. It wasn't the urine that was posing any issue as it had no noticeable odour and the walls of the dumpster provided the people peeing some privacy. No, the issue is that I was concerned that the urinating could soon turn to defecating, which in turn would mean that there would be a lot more racoons, flies, and scat fetishists hanging around. Have you ever gone out to your car and witnessed a fully grown man smearing feces all over his forehead and cheeks? It's not a pretty sight, I promise you! But I digress. As I was writing the letter to my MP, asking for the dumpsters to be surrounded by electric fences or watched by armed guards, I was at first very articulate and clever in my request. Sadly, about half way through my email, I suddenly felt ill and my stomach began to wretch. I made a wild dash for my bathroom but sadly my roommate was already in there as she also had the stomach flu. I knocked on my neighbour's door to see if I could use her bathroom but she was not home. With no choice left, I ran out back and dived into the dumpster where I could unleash the fury from my bowels. I was contained in that bin for what seemed like a half hour because every time I went to raise my drawers, I started leaking again. After I expelled all there was to expel, I climbed out of the dumpster (ashamed and embarrassed as there were a few kids hanging around it giggling at all the unpleasant sounds I emitted) and returned home. When I sat back down to the computer, I realized I was being hypocritical and thus my letter completely lost it's proverbial steam. I did get the letter done, amended to say that only people below the poverty line should be restricted from using garbage bins as toilets. If you're wondering, my request was denied, though my MP expressed his wish that I have a speedy recovery from my flu. What a nice gentleman.

Regarding your email, if I assume "u" is the same as "you," I do sincerely appreciate your offer. By stating that you know the price is firm, you have proven that you actually took the time to read the advertisement, which most people do not seem to bother doing. Unfortunately, the definition of "firm," according to the Webster's Dictionary, is not 33% off the total cost of an item. That being said, I know that you really would like to have this figure and you REALLY like u-boats. I would like to offer you a picture of the Death variant figure for the reasonable price of $20. Here it is below:

You may pay via cheque, credit card, or PayPal. Please be sure to pay by Sunday evening as I am planning a pizza party with two of my female friends. I need the money to ensure that everything goes off without a hitch if I want the three-way to happen afterwards. Yay, phagina!



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