Sunday, June 12, 2011

Bad Parkers Beware!

People that fail to park properly are the bane of my existence. Well, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I do dislike them. If you are a careless parker, you may wish to review the following form letter. Otherwise you might find this letter on your windshield one day soon.

Dear careless or uneducated driver,

The yellow lines you see on the pavement are actually painted there in order to display the boundaries of each parking stall. These lines are provided in order to prevent the chaos of people parking in a variety of directions and angles as well as to maintain distinct driving aisles between rows of parking stalls for easy access. Also, said lines are drawn so to ensure drivers do not park with too much space between vehicles, thus providing more space for a higher volume of vehicles to be able to park on the premises. Basically the lines are applied for the sake of regulation and order in a civilized world.

The proper method in which to use the lines is to park one’s vehicle so that said vehicle does not overlap the painted line to the front or the lines on either side of the vehicle. While it is preferred that one’s vehicle be parked as parallel to the lines on the sides as possible, crookedly parked vehicles that remain within the designated painted lines is acceptable. When a person chooses to park in a haphazard manner (such as you have today), it can become quite inconvenient for other drivers (both those who return to their vehicles and cannot easily gain access because a poor parker’s vehicle has obstructed entry, and those who wish to park and cannot do so because a poor parker’s vehicle has made parking nearby difficult). Poor parking habits are extremely disrespectful to those drivers who know what they are doing.

While you read this informative letter, you may feel offended at my suggestion that you clearly need to be educated in proper parking etiquette, or you may feel enraged enough that you would punch a baby if it was within arm’s reach. I apologize for hurting your delicate feelings. That being said, I hope that I have been able to enrich your life with this knowledge. Please feel free to leave this informative letter in your vehicle and review it before you attempt to park in future. I am confident that if you are diligent with proper parking technique, you too can learn to park respectfully and decently instead of like a total moron. Thank you for your time and consideration,


Concerned Driver.

P.S. If you fuck have sexual relations like you park, you’ll never get it in.


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