Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dave's a Dick (4 of ?)

From: Kijiji Reply (from *****.******* <>
Subject: Reply to your "Batman The Dark Knight Joker T-Shirt - New with Tags - Size M" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Monday, June 13, 2011, 8:00 PM
Hello! The following is a reply to your "Batman The Dark Knight Joker T-Shirt - New with Tags - Size M" Ad on Kijiji:

From: *****.*******

do you deliver?

On Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 9:04 PM, Handsome Dave <> wrote:

Dear Thanks,

Do you mean delivery at an additional cost or free?



On Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 9:31PM, Leon ******* <*****.*******>  wrote:

i am in Evergreen.
Is that far away from you?

On Mon, Jun 13, 2011 at 11:07PM, Handsome Dave <> wrote:

Dear Leon,

Your question is rather vague in its presentation. Evergreen could be any number of places. Since this was not clarified, I will assume you live in the fictitious Evergreen Forest. I admit I am jealous that you live in such a quiet, peaceful, and serene locale. I live in Calgary, and the closest thing to serenity that I experience is when I go to use the washroom (number 2) in the middle of the night and discover I remembered to put the seat back down earlier in the day. Nothing offensively wakes a person from a state of being half asleep like the chilly porcelain of a toilet bowl. I've often thought about inventing a non-porcelain toilet to the point of creating prototypes. Sadly, I was about eight when I created my first prototype out of a cardboard box, twist ties, and my father's shaving cream for the pearly-white colour. My understanding of the properties of water was clearly lacking, as my first trial run using the cardboard toilet did not go so well. It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't test it on my mother's freshly carpeted living room floor with turds I collected from the dog pen out back. I received quite a spanking for that endeavor, which to this day seems unfair to do to a blossoming inventor.
Have you ever been spanked (as a legitimate punishment and not as some sort of depraved act to elicit sexual stimulation)? I'm not sure I agree with the effectiveness of spanking as positive punishment for children. While it may provide a deterrent to bad behaviour in kids, it also serves to each children that it is okay to swat others on the bottom. When I was twenty-seven, I was arrested and taken to court on a bogus charge of sexual harassment, all because I was patting women on their derrieres in church. Why these women felt "violated" is beyond me. These were your run-of-the-mill front-row old Catholic ladies. If I didn't touch their asses, no one ever would!
My apologies for running off on a tangent. It gets very lonely here. I tend to not bring friends and acquaintances into my home because the night vision telescope aimed at my attractive neighbour's bedroom window, pictorial shrine to said neighbour, and box of tissues labeled "mag rags" raises too many questions. Also, I tend to lick steak knives for fun and keep a selection of inflatable pals sitting on my furniture for company. These things tend to scare people off. However, you'll be happy to know that the shirt of which you inquired is currently being worn by blow-up doll #16.
Anyway, regarding your inquiry about delivery, I unfortunately cannot deliver to the Evergreen Forest as it does not exist. May I recommend you ask Ralph, Melissa, or even Cedric for a lift to Calgary if you wish to pick up the shirt? Don't ask Bert though. He's a lead foot and you'll end up crashing in a ditch and getting your face eaten by real raccoons.
As consolation for not being able to help you out in this matter, please accept this wonderful video link as compensation:



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