Sunday, June 26, 2011

Dave's a Dick (5 of ?)

--- On Tue, 6/21/11, Kijiji Reply (from ************** <> wrote:

From: Kijiji Reply (from ************** <>
Subject: Reply to your "DXG Digital Video Camera - 3 Mega Pixel DXG-305V" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Tuesday, June 21, 2011, 2:52 PM
Hello! The following is a reply to your "DXG Digital Video Camera - 3 Mega Pixel DXG-305V" Ad on Kijiji:

From: **************
hi is it still available

Date: Tue, 21 June 2011 19:51:58 -0700
Subject: Re: Reply to your "DXG Digital Video Camera – 3 Mega Pixel DXG-305V" Ad on Kijiji
To: **************

Dear **************,

Thank you for your inquiry. I sincerely apologize for the confusion regarding the availability of this item. I can certainly understand how the statement "If you're reading this, it's still available" in the advertisement could be misleading and require clarification of whether or not the item is indeed still available. I made the error in assuming that people visiting the ad could read and also comprehend what was being read.

Sidebar: In the above sentence, the first "read" is present tense and thus pronounced "reed," while the second "read" is past tense and therefore should be pronounced "red." I would like to avoid further confusion so I will add informative sidebars when necessary.

After reviewing my ad at length, I've come to the conclusion that you may have missed the line describing the item's availability because it is considered "the fine print." I frequently miss out on reading "the fine print" because the print is truly so fine.

Sidebar: In this instance, "fine" is used to mean small and not to mean attractive and/or sexually arousing. Sexually stimulating print would be considered "smut" instead of "fine," though I do admit that naughty stories are pretty damn fine actually. If you became aroused from my fine print, then due to the fact that this is a potential transaction, it could be considered written prostitution, and therefore we should cease any buy/sell relationship.

The reason I overlook "the fine print" in agreements and contracts is because the written type is so small. Due to the fact that my father is a Mr. Magoo look-alike and my mother a fruit bat, my vision is extremely poor. I suffer from severe myopia which leads to hilarious hijinks while I drive on Deerfoot Trail or try to navigate through rotating doors. I wear glasses that appear to be the bottoms of Coke bottles secured in a coat hanger bent to resemble spectacles. My mother told me they were stylish when I bought them in the fifth grade, but to be honest I cannot see enough detail through them to gauge my own opinion in a mirror. Sadly, they are also heavy, and I have to avoid going outside in the sun because they magnify the light and give me severe sunburn on my eyelids. On the bright side, they make terrific paperweights and, if I'm fast enough, will crush the skull of a rat in a single blow.

At any rate, last year I decided to join one of those 12 DVDs for a penny clubs, but failed to read the fine print when I submitted my order. I got the twelve DVDs for a penny, including three Pauly Shore films, The Best of Rachel Ray, and the entire Twilight saga. But they neglected to tell me that I had to pay $240 in shipping charges, which I found to be excessive since I picked them up directly from the warehouse. Also, as it turned out, the contract stated (in the fine print) that if I took the dozen movies for a penny, I would have to let a crocodile mate with my completion. Have you ever been the subject of a crocodile's lustful advances? If not, please consider yourself lucky and I pray you never have to experience it...especially the aftermath. My arm still feels sticky to this day.

Regarding my ad, while I did not include the clause that the buyer of this item be raped by a large carnivorous animal, I do respect that my statement of availability may have been difficult to read. The font is the same size as the rest of the listing, but most people have short attention spans and don't finish reading. For example, I went to re-read the listing and could only get through two and a half sentences before my neck began to hurt and my eyes felt strained and tired. I left the computer for an hour to take a power nap before reading the remaining five sentences (though it did take me approximately three hours to finish as I had to get up to use the washroom and make dinner during that time).
I will be changing "the fine print" to make it more noticeable as a public service to all my potential customers. In fact, I have rewritten the listing so my customer base can better understand what I am saying. For your convenience, I have provided an edit of the body of my listing here:

"Hi there! I have a video camera for sale. It is blue and shiny and makes movies!!! It cost lots of allowance money but now I'm selling it for less money back! If you get batteries, it works!!!!!

If you're reading this, it's still available."

I hope this clears up all confusion.



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