Thursday, November 3, 2011

Just Another Driving Rant

Picture it. Deerfoot Trail. Post-rush-hour traffic so there were no back-ups but traffic was steady. I'm moving along happily at the speed limit of 100km/h. Then, as I near my off-ramp, I come up behind...

The Stupid Asshole!

I hate these drivers. They drive on a major highway and seem completely oblivious to everything around them. Sometimes the Stupid Asshole will fail to pilot their vehicle within the segmented lines that make up their lane and swerve into your lane without even knowing what the hell is going on. Sometimes the Stupid Asshole crosses three or more lanes of traffic without ensuring it is safe to do so, thus cutting off those good drivers behind. Sometimes the Stupid Asshole merges on the highway at a speed far below the posted speed limit, causing you to have to slam on your brakes and cause everyone behind you to do the same. And sometimes the Stupid Asshole simply maintains a speed below the limit. The Stupid Asshole I was behind today was the latter.

Stupid Assholes not only disturb one or two drivers. They succeed in fucking up the traffic pattern for minutes to hours! ASSHOLES!

I can respect that sometimes a vehicle must be driven at a speed below the limit. If a car is riding on a doughnut spare tire (those spares that are smaller than regular tires for temporary use) that has an 80km/h maximum speed rating. Sometimes a vehicle may have sustained damage on the same road and now must travel more slowly until the driver can get off the road. And sometimes the entire flow of traffic averages below the speed limit, and I always say it is safer to drive with the flow of traffic than being a self-righteous douchewad.
Aside from those reasons, no vehicle has any excuse for driving below the speed limit unless they are stuck behind a Stupid Asshole or yielding to an emergency vehicle.

So now you can imagine why I become cross when I come up behind a Stupid Asshole. And you can imagine how frustrated I was when I came up behind this particular Stupid Asshole and discovered that there were two other Stupid Assholes in the other two lanes. It was like they were having a Stupid Asshole convention and driving side-by-side to effectively mach-block every vehicle behind was part of the festivities. I actually expected to see these Stupid Assholes with their arms outstretched from their windows to hold hands with their fellow Stupid Assholes, like it were Stupid Asshole pride parade.

Anyway, there was no where for me to go. I had to slow down to a mother effing 73km/h and so did everyone else around me. I attempted to honk, but the defining trait of a Stupid Asshole is that their obliviousness means they either don't realize the honk was directed at them or they think that they are good drivers and the honker is clearly insane. Out of options, I did what any one of you would have done.

I waved my hand across and said in my best Sir Alec Guinness voice "This is not the lane you're looking for." Now I'm not sure if the Stupid Asshole noticed my gesturing (and assumed I wanted him to move to the left)  or if I've nearly perfected my Jedi mind trick abilities, but that Stupid Asshole sped up and moved left in front of his fellow Stupid Asshole, leaving the right lane clear of Stupid Asshole obstacles! I returned to speed and continued on my way.

So it's true. Jedi mind tricks DO work on the weak minded and on Stupid Assholes. Now that I'm a believer, I'll be joining the Jedi order. If only that religion can teach me to use the Force to PUSH Stupid Assholes out of my way, I'll be the happiest driver in the world. But once the Stupid Assholes are all out of the way all the time, would I remain content or would my definition of Stupid Assholes change to accomodate less stupid and less assholic people? Like the dude that smokes in his car and flicks ashes out the window (grrrrrr!!!)? Or the gal in the Smart Car who parks her car by pulling it up to the line, thus making it appear to other parking stall hunters that her stall is empty until they're practically pulling into it? Oh yes, I could see it being an easy fall to the dark side. Perhaps a better idea would be to have cars that drive themselves. Just imagine what a wonderful commute it would be when everything was automated? Oh my, the possibilities!


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