City Made of Smoke

Calgary has its problems. When you live there, it can be easy to point out the areas of improvement. But once you leave, chances are where you end up will make you forget all the things you once considered flaws. It will also make you appreciate what you did have.

Case in point: Nicotine addiction. People smoke cigarettes. They have for centuries and will continue to do so until the human race develops a universal common sense...or more likely renders itself extinct. Like taxes, it's inevitable. But I didn't realise that the frequency of indulgance and percentage of population that sucks at the teet of cancer itself would vary so dramatically.

You see, in Calgary, smoking is something of a vice of the past. Many people kicked the habit or never started in the first place. Smoker is a dirty word and we kept their kind restricted to small outdoor enclosures to be observed and tested. There is a culture of health in cowtown that supersedes the need to suck poison into your lungs, and so smokers have to engage in their life-shortening pastime in prohibition-level secret. There are a few rebels that will light up outside a mall door or in the washroom, but for the most part, smokers keep to themselves and in exchange we don't beat them to death with clubs constructed of cigar rings and stale filters. It. Is. Great!

But London. Oh my god. What foul, twisted hole this is! Gone were the neither seen nor heard minority of tar-chompping Neanderthals that kept to the shadows like mice during panther season. Instead, I stepped forth onto filthy streets only to be met by a slough of nightmarish, smouldering creatures, each with a curious white coloured extra digit on one hand that they flick and  watch as it disintegrates away to ashes.

They ALL smoke here! I'm sure there's a few people who don't touch cigarettes and are thus hidden away in fear of being cast out for differing views. But easily over half the population of this toilet of a town puffs back a pack a day.  Maybe I should be looking at the positives. Smoking brings people together. It's how coworkers connect. It's how shop workers and the homeless can get along after the shoplifting fiasco concludes. It's how babies wean around this dump! However, there isn't an actual good reason to smoke, so I digress. Instead, I literally have to hold my breath for long stretches of walking downtown because the building fronts are lined with puffing morons. In my ideal world, they'd be lined up for a firing squad, but in the real world they're simply protecting their "right" to inflict health problems on anyone who steps outside. 

I think this is one of the biggest reasons I loathe London Ontario and am homesick and missing Calgary. It is a picture-perfect depiction of how poor this city is compared to home. But fear not...this does not mark the end of my rants, for it is only one of MANY reasons that make London Ontario the armpit of Ontario. Stay tuned!

London: The City That Always Sleeps

Okay, let's clarify something right off the bat. I'm talking about London, Ontario. Not the real London. I'm referring to the terrible little bootleg of that great United Kingdom city. I'm about to go off about the little pisshole town along the Quebec City-Windsor corridor. The town that shares none of the history, the wonder, the reputation, or even...dare I say...the cleanliness of London, England. London, Ontario would be hell on earth if it wasn't for the constant bombardment of freezing rain and snow. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. What fun would it be to rant about London, Ontario in one entry? How could I possibly get across to my dear reader just how much of an abortion this city really is in just a single explosion of rage and pain? As you may have realized, I like to take my time and carefully explain myself. Showing my work does wonders to defend my ultimate thesis that London, Ontario is the Thundercunt of cities. 

My discussion today is by no means reflecting London's greatest failing. It's just one of the more recent examples of how shamefully outdated this city really is. I come from a city. A REAL city. A city that seems to understand that people live within it 24 hours a day every day. And as a result, there are always services available to the population. Need some food on New Year's Day? No problem. Every bloody supermarket and "superstore" department store is open to serve you. Need an inflatable mattress and some fucking pop rock candy as your way of giving thanks or observing the return of Zombie Jesus? It's cool. Wal-Mart's got your back. Unless you want to take a shopping trip on December 25, you can bet that stores will be open year round. 

And then there's London. Maybe you knew this. Maybe you didn't. But either way, you're going to hear about it. This cocknugget little town, laced with old money and obsessed with the past, chooses to enforce store closures on holidays. Even the mighty Wal-Mart closes its doors on every statutory holiday that comes along. Just a few days ago was Family Day...well colour me pissed the fuck off to discover that the almighty Wallyworld was shut down for the day. WTF?

I understand the reasoning...in theory. Everyone deserves the day off. That' what holidays are for, aren't they? But what is ignored is that there are many people who don't want the day off. Many people who would much rather be raking in time-and-a-half or double-time to be trudging through a workday while others are at home regretting their lives. But the city doesn't care about that. The city only cares about measuring dicks with every business in town...and winning. City says close and stores say okay. Meanwhile, in real cities, these places are open and available. 

You may be wondering why I even care. I don't need to be doing rounds at Toys R Us or purchasing a China hutch from The Brick (note: There is no Brick out here in the city that sanity forgot) on a holiday when I could do so the next day. Well, let me tell you why I care. We ran out of Children's Advil for a teething baby. We weren't expecting to do so...My child didn't begin to even have problems until the holiday was here. We also ran out of diapers. And milk. And the other kind of milk. 

Two hours later, we finally tracked down a store that was open. Across the city, but open. And sold out of half the shit people want because everyone else in London already went there that day. 

It's ludicrous to shut down every non essential business on the holidays, but leave open other things like restaurants and drop-in injection clinics. But that's London in a nutshell. Nonsensical, insane, and smelling like a rotting maggot's ass. 

Fuck London, Ontario.

There has been an Awakening...

...have you read it?

I'm resurrecting this thing. But not so much to tell tales from my childhood or terrible dates, but to vent. My life is unrecognizable to what it was a few years ago, and I am going to talk about it.

Indeed, there has been an awakening. And I've woken up angry.

Airing of Grievances 2013!

Airing of Grievances 2013

Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the annual Airing of Grievances! I respect that “annual” may not be the most accurate word, as I did not write a 2012 or 2011 edition, but perhaps I should start the tradition over again.

Instead of passively aggressively telling off people I know, while at the same time delicately avoiding revealing their identities, I think the Airing would be better served to simply bitch and complain about some of the biggest pet peeves of which I’ve encountered during the past year. What do you think?

Just kidding. I don’t care what you think. Let’s begin!

1. Parents in the Child Services system. These people are seriously just awful. The reasons these parents have their children apprehended by the government are many; substance abuse/dependence, neglect, abuse (physical, sexual, etc.), unprepared to rear their children, general irresponsibility, and even worse. You name it. Yet just about every parent claims that they’ve been treated unfairly and the reasons for their children being apprehended are lies or some sort of conspiracy against them. “Oh, so my house is a little dirty…no reason to take my kids” says the woman that had dozens of cats and hoarded so badly that she only had narrow aisles within which to walk. “I never do drugs” says the father who just tested positive. “I never raped my child” says the father who was caught on a nanny cam. I can understand the drive to lie and play the victim; no one wants to be viewed as a horrible person, even though they very well could be. But the argumentative, denying, stubborn route does nothing except prolong the time until these families may be reunited. Honesty is a rare trait in this world, but in cases such as the above, it’s so very important. Grow the fuck up and learn to be a parent. Then maybe you will be given back that privilege. 
2. Flood chasers. I don’t want to alarm you, dear readers, but just in case you weren’t aware, Calgary and surrounding areas suffered a catastrophic natural disaster just over six months ago. The rivers rose and flooded parts of southern Alberta drastically and tragically. Thousands lost everything they owned; a couple of people even lost their lives. But this isn’t about nature. Nature will do what it wants and we cannot stop it. No, my problem lies with the retarded camera whores who were risking their safety in order to get the dramatic shots of the Bow River breaching its banks. On the morning after the water poured through Calgary, I went to the top of a hill to witness the raging waters below. But it wasn’t the water itself that caught my eye. It was stupid humans balancing as they navigated the water’s edge. I really don’t know if these people were unaware of the danger or just didn’t care, but I was absolutely gob-smacked that they were down there. Taking pictures like it was a day at the zoo! Pay no mind to the fact that the river created a new “bank,” that was likely soft and unstable. Don’t worry that the water may rise suddenly, sweeping them into the river. Get your pictures so you can show off on Facebook and Instagram and become just a little bit famous on the internet for five minutes; it’s worth it! That said, my concern isn’t really for the idiots who are risking life and limb for a few snaps. I’m concerned for the emergency services personnel and good Samaritans who would take their own lives into their hands in order to save the morons who got to close and fell in. These flood chasers were as selfish as they were brain dead.   
3. Last minute shoppers. You people can go suck a bag of dicks! Now, allow me to clarify. I’m not aggravated by people who leave their holiday shopping until the last minute. I’m bothered by those that wait until the last minute and THEN get furious with store employees when the item they wanted is no longer in stock. What the hell do these people expect? Stores should put up a sign that describes the notion of “supply and demand,” but these last minute shoppers are in a huge rush and wouldn’t read it anyway. Instead, store employees should be given a license to take these shoppers, punch their teeth through their assholes, and then kick them out the door in tears. But maybe that’s an overreaction.
4. Lazy shoppers. While I’m on the topic of shoppers, how about these lazy fuckwads who can’t be bothered to put their shopping carts back in the cart stalls when they have finished with them. I get it! It’s cold, windy, and uncomfortable outside. So what? A cart coral is fifteen feet away! Just push it over there instead of leaving it in the middle of the parking stall next to you. But so few customers actually do this (in winter anyway), which makes the parking lot a minefield. There’s nothing quite as frustrating as seeing what appears to be a convenient parking stall available, only to begin turning into it and finding a cart blocking the way. Fuck these lazy shoppers! Someone should open a new cart coral up their asses. But maybe that’s an overreaction.
5. Snow shovelers.  Hey, good for you! You’re shoveling your walkway so people don’t have to wear snow shoes to get by your home. You’re a responsible and respectful homeowner/renter/other. That said, why the hell are you tossing all your shovelfuls of snow on to the road??? If it was really warm, sunny, and everything was melting, then it’s fine. But when it’s minus twenty outside, you’re just making shitty road conditions worse! Why not walk the extra five feet and dump it all in a pile that’s out of the way instead of screwing over anyone in a vehicle that drives by? Douchepots!
6. Bad drivers. Oh, yes. You all knew this would be on here somewhere. But I can’t just talk about bad drivers in general…I don’t have years to write, nor do you have years to read what I’ve written. So I’ll just take arguably the worst example of the year of a bad driver. Imagine driving on slippery roads. I’m sure you’ve done it. You can kind of see the pavement in the ruts, but there’s clearly a thin film of icy death on it. Outside the ruts is a bumpy, icy, and snowy nightmare. The speed limit on this highway is 100km/h in ideal conditions, and at this time everyone is driving about 50km/h and having no regrets. It’s a slow drive but you’re doing it! But wait! Suddenly some jackoff in a black Celica pulls right in front of you AND brakes because he was driving too fast and might hit the car in front! You have to hit your brakes and feel your wheels glide along on the ice. You barely manage to slow down before plowing into the rear bumper of this hardon. He doesn’t wave an apology but he KNOWS what he did. And what was his worst offense of all? He didn’t bother to use his turn indicator! Come on! I mean, it’s a fraction of a second move…hand flicks indicator. So why the FUCK do so few people bother to do it? I’m sorry, but I think when a person just drives in front without indicating intent, at the best of times it is showing a lack of respect from that person. At the worst of times, it’s very dangerous! I commented on Facebook that it would have been great to walk to his window at a stop, tell him his turn signal was broken, and then when he got out to check, I would smash it to bits with his face. But maybe that’s an overreaction.
7. Dexter finale. I won’t ruin anything for those of you who haven’t seen the finale. And perhaps I shouldn’t even mention this because the series was so great, and I think a lot of you should give it a chance. But the final episode was a terrible piece of shit. It was clearly the work of a writer that realized, with two episodes left, that he had to wrap up a series. The whole final season was lackluster and rushed, but that final episode was such a messy cop-out that it insults everything that came before it. I loved Dexter, and I feel that I and all the other fans deserved something better. Screw you Scott Buck and Manny Coto (apparently the writers of the finale). I sure hope you don’t find yourselves on the kill table of a Dexter copycat one day. But maybe that’s an overreaction.
8. Stores not carrying cereal I like. Thank god for my good friend Lisa. She manages to hook me up with some of the delicious cereals that are otherwise unavailable in Canada (or at least Calgary). But seriously…what the hell is up with grocery stores not regularly stocking Fruity/Cocoa Pebbles, Cocoa Puffs, Trix, and the Monster cereals (Count Chocula, Boo Berry, Frankenberry, etc.)? These are. So. Effing. Good! And I need to import them? That’s unfair (somehow), and it ticks me off. That’s right Superstore, Safeway, Sobeys, Co Op, and all the others…you’re on my shit list now.
9. People who judge me without knowing me. Every year I seem to talk about this, so I won’t bore you with the same old details. But it’s still a very real problem in this world. Who the hell are these people then? They all think they have such great insight that they are able to label me based on a few superficial facts. That’s not even the worst part though: They feel compelled to TELL me, like a child telling their parent about how Santa’s reindeer fly. People who really know me don’t necessarily actually KNOW me, so where do people who don’t know me at all get off thinking they’ve got me figured out? The worst part is when the person doing the judging is so completely off base, and days later comes up with a nearly opposite judgment! I understand these rash judgments are the product of a low self-esteem; tear someone else down to feel better about yourself. It’s a defense mechanism. But it’s also pathetic, counter-productive, and sad. Anyway, moving on…
10. Loud neighbor. Oh my god! My neighbor is just awful. She really, really is. Her appearance is rather unassuming; not too tall or short, not pretty or ugly, not dressed like a star or a hobo. But she is SO FUCKING LOUD! I don’t know how she fails to realize that the volume of her voice is ALWAYS on maximum. When she has an argument with her boyfriend of the week, I can hear her side of the argument as clear as if she was in the same room, despite a couple of walls (and rooms) between us (and I can’t hear him at all). When she’s on the phone, I can hear her side perfectly without trying. I can hear her talking normally from the back door of my building, which is on the OTHER side of the building and half a floor down from her apartment. She talks loudly, yells louder, and has sex loud; her whole existence is just speaker-blowing LOUD. I really miss my old neighbors. As Sheldon Cooper said, “I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.” I’m not saying my new neighbor smells, but I hate her anyway. But maybe that’s an overreaction.

Well, that’s it for another year. Ten people/types of people that really pissed me off and disappointed me during the past year. Here’s hoping that in 2014 I won’t be able to list ten…but who am I kidding? I’ll likely be able to hit fifteen. Good day and Happy Festivus to one and all!

Except my neighbor. She sucks.

Dave's a Dick (11 of ?)

From: Kijiji Reply (from ml) <post@kijiji.ca>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Thursday, March 21, 2012 4:36:19 PM
Subject: Reply to your "Marvel Legends 2012 - Hope Summers, Iron Man, Constrictor" Ad on Kijiji

Hello! The following is a reply to your "Marvel Legends 2012 - Hope Summers, Iron Man, Constrictor" Ad on Kijiji: 

 

you're kidding right?these are not even rare items and on tru's they are selling these for 15 bucks.good luck man. 

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Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2012 19:19:03 -0700
From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Marvel Legends 2012 - Hope Summers, Iron Man, Constrictor" Ad on Kijiji
To: *******@yahoo.com

 

 

Dear Nameless Moron,

Thank you for your pointless email. It always warms my heart to know that there are people like you in the world who will waste their precious time in writing ineffectual emails to others in an attempt to boast your intellectual superiority by telling them "how it is." Much like I am doing to you now. The difference between us, however, is I clearly am educated and you are a nitwit.

As a matter of fact, I am not kidding about this listing. When I'm kidding, the end result is something humourous...much like how I would be kidding if I said I enjoy underwater basket-weaving while having my leg humped by a condescending little prick such as yourself. 

You see, I did not purchase these from tru (I believe you meant to type it as T.R.U. since it's used as an acronym for Toys R Us, but your mastery of the English language is clearly sub-par so I'll overlook it). I purchased these from a brick and mortar collectibles store in the city. Each was $24.99, because such stores need to increase the sticker price in order to make a profit. If you grab a calculator (since you're almost certainly too simpleminded to do math in your head) and add 5% G.S.T. to that price, you'll discover that I indeed paid over the $25 asking price for each.

Now, as for the second part of your "argument," these are not rare in that they are new, but with issues of distribution they are currently uncommon in our area. If Toys R Us does have them, then perhaps your time would have been better spent riding your bicycle (I assume with training wheels since your email appears to have been written by a child) to the nearest T.R.U. and purchasing them there. If they are being sold for $15 (which is far below the R.S.P. [that means Recommended Selling Price...I figured I should tell you since you're a complete tool]), then you'd best buy them up before T.R.U. realizes their mistake. That being said, I highly doubt that they are available at that price, and if they are, I highly doubt any of the stores have any in stock.

Before I continue, I would like to correct your email. The grammar is just so awful!
"You're kidding, right? These [figures] are not even rare items, and T.R.U. is selling them for $15 each. Good luck, man."

Here's what your email really meant:

"Hi, I'm a smeghead. I saw your advertizement on Kijiji. I wanted to send you an email to ask if your price is a joke. I noticed your price is far above the [possibly] less expensive Toys R Us price of $15. Good luck selling yours at a higher price. I'm secretly attracted to men and don't now how to deal with my homosexual fantasies due to my homophobia, so I'm lashing out. I'm sorry. Love abcdefg."

In conclusion, your silly little email was as futile as it was laughable. It's also a good example of why you should perhaps get a few details straight before you try and tell someone off. Actually, it would also probably be good for you to just keep your proverbial mouth shut because nothing that comes out of it is of any value...except maybe when your teeth fall out and you can get a quarter each from the Tooth Fairy. That's my two cents, and unlike yours, it hold some merit! You're welcome.

Regards,

Dave

P.S. I'm sorry you are feeling so butt-hurt (as my friend likes to say) about seeing some toys you wanted in my listing but cannot afford them. Perhaps if you get a job instead of writing stupid emails and masturbating to scrambled porn, you can afford them. Douche.

 

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No reply.