Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Girl with the Growth Balloon

Being an incredibly attractive male has its disadvantages. People always stare at me and secretly hate me for being so really really ridiculously good looking. I make the average person feel inadequate in my presence and women are too intimidated to approach me. And...from time to time, the crazies come out to stalk.

I've had a few stalkers in my day that range from the tame to the insane. One day soon I will share with you the story of Lisa the stalker. She was messed up which should make for an enjoyable read (this Lisa is not the same Lisa from my previous entry "The Ginger Set-Up").

For tonight, I'll share another humourous yet discomforting tale. Girl meets boy. Boy rejects girl. Girl won't leave boy alone.

In the early 00s, I took a trip to North Hill Mall to try and find a gift for my mother for her birthday. The month was November but I don't recall the day (not that it is important). I shuffled through Sears trying to find something for the woman that only wants $5000 vacations but came up short, so I continued into the mall. North Hill Mall has since gone through some renovations. These days it actually looks quite presentable though admittedly the Sears part of the building shows its age strikingly. But back when this story took place, renovations had yet to begin. At the time North Hill Mall was something of a dive. It was dark, dingy, and only about half the rental units actually had stores within. However, I was unwilling to drive in the snow to another mall so I was determined to find something for my mum if I had to walk through hell to get it there.

As I walked through the mall, I suddenly heard a faint "hi" come from behind me. I turned and saw this woman...I'd say about my age at the time...walking behind me and to my right. She was, for lack of a better word, disgusting. Ratty brown hair and a huge white puffy winter jacket...and strange scars all over her cheeks and forehead. These were the kind of scars that were sunken in...like she had been clawed in the face by something or someone and had flesh torn away. I've never seen anything like it...the closest thing was Jenna Elfman's character in an episode of My Name is Earl (though this girl in the mall was not nearly as severe and the scars were haphazardly strewn all over her face rather than a neat row of claw marks in the below picture of Mrs. Elfman):

I said "hi" back and continued to walk, figuring this was just a person being nice. But she pursued me and said "hi" again. I gave the obligatory polite response the first time and ignored her the second time. Sadly, that did not deter her from continuing to harass me. She began to ask me questions, such as "what are you shopping for" and "where do you live?" I maintained my silence, hoping that this creep would just go away. Perhaps I should have just humoured her instead...

"FUCK YOU!!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. The mall wasn't busy per se, but there were still easy fifty people that heard it, seeing as I had reached the food court at the time she decided to scream profanities at me. I scanned around at the onlookers, and when our eyes met I feel my expression of disbelief married with my attempts to not burst out laughing was proof enough that I was not with this thing that was following me around. I'm sure the people realized that she was following me around because I was incredibly attractive to her.

I didn't bother with any retort. She was clearly not a stable person to be screaming at me like that over nothing. I continued to walk and a moment later she began to berate me with more stupid questions...like she didn't just flip out on me. After a few lame questions such as "what do you drive," she then dropped a bomb on me. "Would you want to go on a date with me?"

Now imagine seeing through my eyes, and I had a HUD with information appearing upon it (think Terminator). In great big red letters blinking wildly, you would have seen "EMERGENCY! RUN!" I didn't run though. I said no thank you and continued walking.

Why not?" she demanded. Not wanting another outburst, I said it was because I had a girlfriend (lie). Why it is that lie never works is beyond me. Are these crazy people just not willing to believe I might be taken, or do they just not care? Either way, she said something along the lines of "I'm much better than your girlfriend."

I looped around the food court and continued back the way I came, walking faster and faster in hope that she would stop following me around. Unfortunately she just kept up with my pace. All the while trying to convince me to go on a date with her. I looped again, walking to the food court (as I did NOT want to leave the public eye with a psycho tagging close behind). I stopped at San Francisco (the store) and pretended to look at clearance Halloween items. She started asking me if I liked Halloween, while she removed her huge coat.

Initiate Emergency Dave Protocol 90237: Barf In Mouth. Under the coat was nothing short of a horror story. She was a portly mental patient who did not seem to believe in wearing bras. Trust me when I say that if you are a woman on the fence about wearing a bra, she would have made a believer out of you. It was like two stretch-bags with a bowling ball in each. Less breasts and more pendulums. But no, dear reader, that was not nearly the worst thing about this girl.

You see, she also had some sort of...growth...below her stomach. She had black stretch pants on and had a gunt big enough to fit a two year old in. Perhaps there was an unborn child caught somewhere in the vagina but still growing as a result of the umbilical cord. To confirm, this was not her stomach. She had a fat stomach but it was a "typical" fat stomach. This was a huge ball...like a volleyball tucked in her pants. A misshapen volleyball anyway.


I walked fast fast fast to the food court, desperately thinking of an appropriate way to escape where she would not follow. She kept up, still asking me questions. But to be honest I was no longer hearing anything but "blah blah blah" as her conjoined twin in her drawers was making my skin crawl. But she wasn't giving up. WHY? But I came up with a plan. It was a long shot but it was my only chance to ditch her.

"You know, you're right. I should go on a date with you. How does right now sound?"

She seemed ecstatic. Maybe she was just overjoyed at the thought that she had a shot with me or maybe I'm the only poor sap that had ever said yes to her. Either way, she was one happy girl thing. I said to her that we could sit down and have a coffee if she would like, and she agreed that it was a great idea. I suggested to her that she go to the coffee shop in the food court and get herself a coffee while I quickly went to use the washroom.

Would it work? Would she go get coffee while I distanced myself? I had a strong advantage now. The washrooms were located en route to the nearest exit.

She smiled and said okay. It looked like she was falling for it! She walked over to the coffee shop and I walked toward the washrooms. I looked back every few steps to make sure she did not change her mind. She was always looking at me. Goosebumps everywhere. But so far, so good. I approached the washrooms and looked over my shoulder. She was being helped at the counter and NOT looking! It was my chance!

I RAN! I ran like I was fucking on fire or being chased by angry wolves. I ran like the Langoliers were nipping at my ankles. The point is I ran like hell.
There was a hallway leading to the doors that fortunately was not visible to her from her location. I broke line-of-sight. My god I ran. I burst through the doors and bolted through the parking lot. I wasn't anywhere near my car but I didn't care. Sweet freedom!

I imagine she got her coffee and sat down waiting for me to return. I suppose she also went into the men's washroom looking for me. Hopefully she didn't find another amazingly hot dude in there to follow around and nauseate, but let's face it...if she did glom onto another person, it was better him than me.

I guess some might say I overreacted. I guess some might say I was too superficial. But she was very unnerving. I certainly didn't want to test the patience of someone who would scream "FUCK YOU" when a stranger doesn't respond to her. And I certainly didn't want to become the next meal for her mutant offspring trapped in her vajayjay.

It was actually a few YEARS (and many renovations) until I returned to that mall. Somewhere deep inside I think I was concerned that she was still there...waiting. Perhaps she does come back there every once in a while to sit down in hope that I will return. Or perhaps she is dead. Either way, I just hope that midget stuffed in her underwear never managed to escape.

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