Friday, May 13, 2011

Dave's a Dick (1 of ?)

From: Kijiji Reply (from <>
Subject: Reply to your "Angry Birds plush toys RED BIRD and PIG with sounds iPhone iPod" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Friday, May 13, 2011, 11:09 AM

Hello! The following is a reply to your "Angry Birds plush toys RED BIRD and PIG with sounds iPhone iPod" Ad on Kijiji:


Hi there:
My older brother LOVES the angry birds game, and I would really like to get him the red bird. (Unfortunately I cannot afford both) I live in PG, my brother is currently in Surrey. Would you be interested in shipping to either PG or Surrey?


--- On Fri, 5/13/11, Hello There <> wrote:

From: Hello There <>
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Angry Birds plush toys RED BIRD and PIG with sounds iPhone iPod" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Friday, May 13, 2011, 2:14 PM

Dear Dee,

Firstly I would like to apologize as "Dear Dee," when said aloud fast, sounds like "dirty." I trust you are not dirty and therefore may become offended should you be reading this letter quickly and aloud. However, this does remind me of my childhood, such as when I was eleven years old and would call bars and other public places asking for fictitious people with hilarious names. I shamelessly borrowed the idea from a television show called The Simpsons in which one of the main characters would contact the local bar via telephone and ask for names such as Amanda Huginkiss, Bea O'Problum, and Yuri Nater. I tried some of the early examples, such as Oliver Clossoff and I. P. Freely, not to mention the classic Al K. Holic. Sadly, the proprietors with whom I talked were not as naive as Moe Szyslak of Moe's Tavern, and thus my prank calls failed miserably. In fact, I don't recall ever having a successful prank call attempt.
In regard to your email, I certainly will not send you a package to PG. Since you did not define what PG stands for, I have chosen to decide that it stands for Pedophile Grove, and pedophiles are disgusting and reprehensible people. I would have to be some kind of creep to send a children's toy to a place called Pedophile Grove. I have half a mind to report this place to the police.
I am aware of Surrey, but unfortunately the postage cost to Surrey would be easily $10. You mentioned that you could not afford both birds. Assuming each bird to be valued at $15 each, the total cost with postage would be $25 at least. For an extra $5, you could have both birds as long as you came to pick them up. Sadly, Surrey is approximately 441 miles (661km) away from where I am located. I don't know what you drive, but I drive a 2002 Cadillac CTS Wagon, which pulls in an astonishing 18 miles per gallon (highway). That works out to nearly 50 gallons of fuel for the round trip, and at an astonishing $1.30 a litre for gasoline (perhaps more in your neck of the woods), I'd be looking at about $246 in fuel costs to pick it up and come back if our roles were reversed.
At any rate, you could have both birds for the reasonable price of $276 (fuel included but other travel and lodging costs not included)! Now that I've provided that price, doesn't $40 or so for both Angry Birds shipped sound like a steal? It is a steal, except for the fact that I do not ship items listed on kijiji because of issues with fraud. Like one time a gentleman in Bobo Alabama (real place...I had to look it up to be sure too) purchased a stack of Playboy magazines from me. He was displeased with my fuel cost breakdown and wanted to have the porn shipped to him in a box wrapped in postage paper for added anonymity. I did as he requested, but he seemed rather furious with me for putting "Naughty Magazine Man" instead of his name and writing a detailed list of the contents on the customs form (he used the example of "Drew Barrymore's left ariola on page 93" as being the most excessive). Anyway, when he received his box of smut, he claimed that he was missing over a dozen issues and threatened to sue me. I told him that I had no reason to withhold his Playboy magazines, because my girlfriend said I couldn't keep them and because I had discovered "internet porn" and no longer saw a need to risk the distraction of having to flip pages to see fresh material. In the end, he chose to leave the issue be, especially since he and I both knew that he received all of his tasteful erotica as promised.
I would like to suggest you try your local Toys R Us store, as they tend to carry Angry Birds from time to time and they charge about $10 each for them. They sell out fast so it's a good idea to call ahead.
Thank you for your interest in my items and thank you for saying cheers as your greeting. I'm always at a loss for what an appropriate greeting should be to conclude a letter. Cheers is the only choice for me from now on.



Friday, May 13, 2011 12:19 PM


"Dee Pxxx" <>


"Hello There" <>

Hello Dave:
PG actually stands for Prince George. I apologize for not defining it or you, its just that most people know of PG.

Thank you for taking the time to read my e-mail.
Thanks anyway.

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