Sunday, July 10, 2011

Dave's a Dick (6 of ?)

-- On Fri, 7/8/11, Kijiji Reply (from <> wrote:

From: Kijiji Reply (from ********** <>
Subject: Reply to your "NECA Assassin's Creed Altair Figure - Loose and Complete" Ad on Kijiji
Received: Friday, July 8, 2011, 6:08 PM
Hello! The following is a reply to your "NECA Assassin's Creed Altair Figure - Loose and Complete" Ad on Kijiji:

From: **********

I am just wondering if you have anyone else wanting to buy this. I am currently without a job and this is a great deal. I have an Ezio, and now I need Altair. Really bad haha. I don't even have 10 dollars. Haha. It would be great if you could get back to me.


Date: Tue, 21 June 2011 19:51:58 -0700
Subject: Re: Reply to your "NECA Assassin’s Creed Altair Figure – Loose and Complete" Ad on Kijiji
To: **********

Dear obsessed Assassin’s Creed fan,

Thank you for your excitable letter. It warms the cockles of my heart to know that someone would like this Altair as badly as I never did. But please remember that action figures cannot provide love…unless you’re REALLY desperate.
At this particular time that I am writing this reply (Sunday July 10, 2011 at about 16:00), I have not received any inquiries regarding the figure over the previous seven days. Therefore, you have minimal competition to claim the prize. Please keep in mind, however, that by “prize” I mean merchandise. I am not giving this away to the person who wants it the most, the person with the nicest smile, or the person who can stuff the most marshmallows in his or her mouth without gagging. The latter would not be a very fun way to earn anything. About five years ago I actually competed in a marshmallow eating contest. The contestants were rabid and cocky, while I had actually not even tasted a marshmallow (aside from those cardboardish ones in the Lucky Charms box) since I was three years old. When the fat man in the ill-fitted “Bikini Inspector” t-shirt yelled “GO” and inexplicably flung a banana over our heads and into the wall behind us, we all began stuffing our faces with marshmallows. It was at this time that I realized that I didn’t like marshmallows. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not the flavor that bothers me. The offensiveness of the marshmallow comes from its texture. While many people enjoy the mushy creamy goodness of a marshmallow, to me it was like eating a congealed puffer fish wrapped in a used sponge. Needless to say, I heaved and blew marshmallow bits all over the crowd of six marshmallow eating contest fans and I then proceeded to collapse to my knees and spit and cough between gentle sobs. I was out of the contest. But there were still two big dudes duking it out for the title of Marshmallow Man 2006. Unfortunately, the man nearest me attempted to fill his mouth completely with marshmallows and chew minimally before letting the moist marshmallow paste slide down his gullet. The marshmallow apparently became logged in his throat because of its sticky and viscous nature, and the man keeled over while clutching at his neck. It was a shame as I was the only person in the building who knew first aid and could have saved his life, but I rejected performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation because I didn’t want to experience the taste of marshmallow again. I was not invited to his funeral on the grounds that I let him die, which I think is unfair. Why must I be persecuted for not wanting used marshmallow in my mouth? On a related note, I did hear through the grapevine that for a week after he had been cremated, the entire crematory smelled like smores.
Anyway, if I may return to your email, the item is still available. I am happy to offer you a payment plan if you would like. You may own Altair for one easy payment of $10. Only Canadian dollars accepted. I will accept one of the following as payment:
a ten dollar bill, two five dollar bills, a five dollar bill and five loonies, a five dollar bill and two twoonies and a loonie, a five dollar bill and a twoonie and three loonies, a five dollar bill and two twoonies and four quarters, a five dollar bill and four loonies and four quarters, a five dollar bill and three loonies and eight quarters, a five dollar bill and a twoonie and a loonie and eight quarters, a five dollar bill and a twoonie and twelve quarters, a five dollar bill and two loonies and twelve quarters, a five dollar bill and a loonie and sixteen quarters, a five dollar bill and twenty quarters, ten loonies, five twoonies, four twoonies and two loonies, three twoonies and four loonies, two twoonies and six loonies, a twoonie and eight loonies, four twoonies and eight quarters, three twoonies and sixteen quarters, two twoonies and twenty-four loonies, one twoonie and thirty-two quarters, nine loonies and four quarters, eight loonies and eight quarters, seven loonies and twelve quarters, six loonies and sixteen quarters, five loonies and twenty quarters, four loonies and twenty-four quarters, three loonies and twenty-eight quarters, two loonies and thirty-two quarters, one loonie and thirty-six quarters, or forty quarters.
Please do not pay in denominations of less than a quarter. That would be absurd.
I hope I was of assistance to you. Take care and always remember to wipe!



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