Friday, December 16, 2011

Public Service Announcement #1 of 1

Sometimes I like to take a peek at my blogspot stats. You know, to see how epic my readership is. Then once I see how pathetic my page hits are, I cry myself to sleep. That being said, via stats I can also see the different sources from which people were linked to my blog AND much more interesting are the Google search terms that people used that led to them viewing my page. Now there are some odd searches that show up, such as one for dill diarrhea and one for stalker tits (those two words haven't shown up together in a single entry of mine but both words are peppered throughout my blog as a whole). But one that I found to be interesting was a search for "how to make a caulk dildo."

This search led to my page because of a glorious tale I told involving the creation and disposal of caulk dildos (Dildos and the Diarrhea Dill). Now that search term tells me that someone who is either really cheap or really embarrassed about going into adult stores wants to create a homemade sex toy. Um...Something tells me that silicone caulking is probably not the kind of material a person should be pushing, packing, clogging, ramming, stuffing, shoving, slamming, prodding, poking, plugging, jamming, impaling, cramming, or plunging into their bodies. So to all of those people who said that my blog is simply entertaining nonsense and does nothing to make the world a better place (thanks for the support, grandma), I'm using my blog as a public service announcement.

Please! Keep tub caulking dildos out of your woo-hoos and browneyes and other assorted orifices that nature gave you or that you gave yourselves! Sure, you might argue that the whole point of caulking is that it is used to fill cracks. Also you might say that it was named after a slang term for a part of the male anatomy. You might even say that before it dries, the way it squooshes between your toes and buttcheeks is very sexual and makes you go "squeeeeeeeeee." But caulking is purchased from a hardware store (I know the name can be confusing since it has "hard" in it) and not an adult store,  is meant for inanimate objects and not people parts, probably has some sort of warning label about external use only, and the nails you'd have jutting out of it might give you tetanus.

So if you're low on cash, rob a bank. Scoop change out of a mall fountain. Steal from your child's piggie bank. Become a prostitute. Sell your kidney. Harvest your child's kidney and sell that. But don't skimp on the sex toys.
And if you're shy, order online and ask them to deliver in an unmarked brown-wrapped box (because when someone receives something in a brown-wrapped box, no one EVER assumes that the contents are pornographic or otherwise sexual) or dress up in Groucho Marx glasses, fedora, and an ankle-length trench coat when you enter a sex shop to safely hide your true identity.
But whatever you do, don't make sex toys from hardware supplies and kitchen appliances. And for the love of god, don't use your pets. Contrary to what some people might say, gerbils are NOT meant for insertion.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Airing of Grievances 2011

Well, here we are again. It's Festivus time in the city. With the return of Festivus comes yet another opportunity for me to express my discontent about some of the people around me. I have a lot of problems with you people, and now you're gonna hear about it!


Lynda. I’ve broken the name rule here because, well, I can. I don’t talk to her anymore so whatever!
Lynda was a nice person and I got along with her. She was a pretty cool chick who was actually going to dress up as Supergirl (those who know me get the awesomeness of that) for a comic convention earlier in the year. We hung out a few days a month since we were both busy people. I foolishly thought we were just friends. She knew I had a girlfriend so there really shouldn’t have been any surprise. When I shot her down, she seemed to shy away and I barely talked to her anymore.
Anyway, about a day or two before the comic show, she bailed out of coming along all together. She said it was because she “had” to go to Banff to watch her nephew ride in some BMX race. She said that her family would have been angry with her if she didn’t go. I can’t speak for anyone but my sister here, but I KNOW that my sister wouldn’t give two shits if I already had plans and couldn’t come see my nephew in a play or a race or whatever. I think that Lynda got scared of all that spandex and pussied out. Well, actually, I think that Lynda just didn’t want to come anymore because she wanted to wear the costume to impress me or something. Either way, trying to feed me some bull story only served for me to lose respect for her. Didn’t talk to her since then.
Yes, in comparison I am being polite in this case. I don’t dislike this woman. I’m just tired of people who pull this kind of crap. She didn’t get what she wanted so she decided to be a bitch instead of a grown-up. It’s very frustrating. So she made it on my list!


This year there have been a few people who have really frustrated me with their arrogance, condescension, and pedantic nature. Now, I wholly admit that I am guilty of displaying all of the above traits from time to time, as I’m sure everyone is. But I have asked friends and family to be sure to tell me when I am being arrogant and/or condescending because these are both unintentional and unwanted traits to me. I’m sure people who have known me for some time would attest that I have become a lot better in this regard though I know that there’s always room for improvement. As for being pedantic, I always do that for the humour in it, so that’s fine by me. My ability to understand those flaws and attempt to remedy them is true testament to my strong self-awareness. Self-awareness is, unfortunately, a trait shared by very few. Which brings me to the jerks that top my list of grievances for 2011.
You all know the type of person whom I am discussing. You make a comment or a claim, and they’re all over it like shit on a scat fetishist. You pronounce a word incorrectly and they not only feel a need to correct you but ALSO laugh that you could have made such an elementary error. You suggest a route best used to get from point A to point B and they have to pipe in with a better one. These freaks almost seem to live to point out your flaws and how superior they are to you. And to make matters even worse, usually they are incorrect when they stick their nose in your business! One of these people seems to lack a sense of humour. There’s been a couple of times when I’ve made a comment as a Facebook or MSN status as a joke and this person swoops in with a comment about how I’m inaccurate about my statement. I don’t bother to humiliate the person by correcting THEM with a follow-up comment because, unlike them, I don’t feel a need to advertize to other readers that the person, so conceited in their arrogance, doesn’t know what they are talking about.
Sometimes, if I am incorrect or if I overlooked a fine detail, these people are certain to ensure that I and other readers become aware of the overwhelming flaw! There was recently one example of this in which the detail I overlooked was of absolutely no relevance to the point I was making, but this person still felt a need to point it out. What the hell?
Sometimes, these people, when challenged (or even PROVEN wrong) will spend a shocking amount of time and energy in rationalizing their stance rather than just admitting they are in error. Because being proven slightly less intelligent is like losing, and these losers just can’t lose. How ironic.
A great Festivus miracle would be for these people to grow up and stop trying to hold over others how brilliant they are…particularly because often they aren’t nearly as brilliant as they would like to believe. I’m sure that there’s someone out there who has noticed a grammatical error or something in this entry and you are just itching to point it out to me. Ask yourself why you wish to do so? Is it a legitimate gesture to let me know I made a mistake? Or does a part of you feel somehow superior because you noticed something I did not?

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

-- Albert Einstein 


I really cannot talk about my job on here, though it is by far the greatest source of frustration, stress, and discontent in my life. I SO want to express my grievances with the people with whom I work, but I cannot do to issues with freedom of information. I see so much horrible stuff and there’s really no avenue for me to vent or to talk about it. So I will censor my rant about one of my most reprehensible clients of all information I cannot share…treat it like a really fucked up game of Mad Libs!

So this woman named ________ ended up ________ her ________ _________ and now the ________ is in _________ _________ because ________ and ________ ________ ________! But what makes this story so sick is that the ________ cannot have ________ of ________ because her ________ ________ ________ her ________ (seriously, ________ is in ________ right now because ________ was ________ of ________ of ________________) and despite all that she still ________ to be ________ ________ monster!!!! What the hell kind of world are we living in where a ________ would rather ________ ________ ________ ________ ________ ________ than ________ ________ ________ ________ ________???? Sickest story I’ve heard in a very long time.

And now an open letter to a select (yet numerous) group of people with whom I work:

Most of you people are absolutely terrible. Seriously! Most of you are TERRIBLE, AWFUL, and SICKENING human beings! Worse yet, you refuse to accept that you are the problem and in turn blame everyone else around you. I said early in this post that self-awareness is a rare trait and that point stands strong when it comes to you lot. Stop complaining! Stop acting like a victim! Learn some responsibility and accountability! Just grow up. If you people had the brains of an aphid, my job wouldn’t exist. And a world where my job wouldn’t exist would be a much better world indeed.


It’s been a week? WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY COOKIES!? 


 This is for all of you people who piss and moan about how much you hate Facebook and that you are going to delete your account, proceed to disable your account, and then reactivate it a week later. What the shit, guys? I understand that the whole “woe is me, Imma delete” rant is just for attention and an attempt to get pity from others, but either leave it at the tough talk or leave the account disabled forever! Seriously, you’re messing up my friend count and it mildly annoys me. But most importantly, no one likes a whiner (except for me who has clearly spent this entire entry whining).



Ugh. Damn my tall dark handsomeness and wonderful sense of humour! It’s sometimes the bane of my existence. Early this year, a woman messaged me and complimented me on my blog. She seemed nice enough and who doesn’t like a fan? She even wanted to contribute to my blog because she thought she had something interesting to add. Her entry, a dating disaster, was mediocre at best but a nice compliment to some of the other stories shared. Anyway, a few weeks after we first talked via email, this bitch went crazy! She lived in a town in western Alberta (about three hours or so away from where I live) and she wanted me to come visit her. WTF? I said no because the drive was too far and I hate driving, so she offered to visit me. I again said no because I didn’t know her. I asked why she wanted to get together and she said she wanted us to start…dating. I had a girlfriend at the time and was very happy with her. I even told this wacko chick that directly or indirectly (i.e. “Sorry I can’t talk long. I’m going out on a movie date tonight”) that I was involved with someone. I never led this woman on nor even flirted with her. Yet she said that I “clearly” wanted to be involved with her, and when I told her that wasn’t the case she claimed that I was an asshole who just wanted to sleep with her!
I told her that she was “clearly” insane and that I wanted nothing to do with her sexually or romantically, and now that she was “clearly” obsessed and creepy, I wanted nothing to do with her period. She made some idle threat about getting one of her friends to come kick my ass and I blocked her.
To some, I may have sounded quite harsh, but remember that I suffered through four months with a crazy stalker several years ago and from that I learned to be direct and mean. And it worked. She didn’t bother trying to win me back or something.
That being said, about three months later, I received an intellectual property infringement complaint from this blog. As it turns out, she contacted the blogger site and said that the contribution to my blog that she made was used without permission. Crazy whore! The complaint said that she wanted my entire blog removed because I am a “dirty thief,” which makes absolutely no sense from a sane person’s perspective. There was no way that the site would shut me down without cause though. I simply removed her contribution, as it was weak anyway, and the problem went away. So did she…for now.

*Insert Psycho shower scene music here*



Stupid postal employees. This one goes out to all the parcel-runners. I’m on to your game! You are SUPPOSED to park your truck, come up to the door of the building with my parcel, ring my bell, and then hand me said parcel. That’s just how it works. But what you little twats do is park your truck, fill out a “sorry we missed you” parcel card, come up to the door of the building with my “sorry we missed you” parcel card, and stick it on my mailbox.
What’s the deal here? Are you just so completely unsociable that the mere thought of saying hi to a stranger while passing them a box is terrifying? Is the 500g box too heavy for your mighty frame to carry? I really don’t understand why you employees aren’t doing your job properly…aside from the obvious laziness factor.
Now you know why you shouldn’t expect any token Christmas gift from me this year or any, except for a novelty boxing glove that extends out and punches you in the face. Enjoy your gift, dickwads.





Hey. Raggedy cat lady in my building! Stop creepily staring at me when I come home from work! I know I am a fascinating person and all, but just take a picture and be done with it! Don’t open the door to the building and then stare at me while I park, only to enter the building and close the door when I begin getting out of my vehicle. Don’t then proceed to stare at me from each and every landing window between the ground and the fourth floor! And while you’re at it, run a comb through your hair and trade out the owl glasses for something a bit less creepy. Oh, and NEVER attempt small talk with me again. I hate small talk enough as it is…more so when the person is a bit-chomping fucksack. Thanks!



Back to Facebook. Please please please cut out the “baiting” statuses. Not sure what I mean? A baiting status is one that provides minimal information because you want people to inquire for the details and therefore give you the attention that you’re really after. Here’s a few examples:

“Oh my god! I didn’t mean for THAT to happen.”
“You think you know what’s best for me but you don’t! To hell with you!”
“Great. One stupid mistake and now I have to get surgery!”

Regardless of how important an issue may be (objective importance, I mean), I can guarantee that I will not be baited by or even care about this sort of update. If you have something you want to share, provide all the information. If you withhold the details because of space constraints, you can relax. You’re not limited to 140 characters, you Twits (lawl…get it?), so you can share the pertinent details. Otherwise, you’re just fishing for attention and I’m not interested.  Here’s the above examples with appropriate detail:

“Oh my god! I didn’t mean for my weird neighbour to slip on that sheet of ice and slide head first into the dumpster…is what I told the police. But actually I put the ice there. I’m glad she’s in traction.”
“Julia! You think you know the best way for me to breast feed my son, but you really can’t breast feed from your anus! I looked it up! To hell with you!”
“Great. So I got drunk last night and had a penis surgically attached to my forehead. Now I have to get more surgery to have it removed. Who stitched this thing on though…anyone know? And furthermore, where the hell did they get it from?”


COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF, MAN?


What would an airing of grievances be without a bit of complaining about drivers. What aspect should I tackle this time? 
Disrespect and the sense of anonymity that some drivers display? The things drivers should do that aren’t a matter of legality and so people don’t do them (such as using a turn signal)? The way drivers who are at-fault shamefully try and throw the blame at the person they victimized? The assholes that drive too fast and weave through traffic? The junkrags that drive too slowly and end up causing delays for ages? The cockgobblers that stop at a merge? The butt-cardigans that fail to yield at a yield sign? The bags of dicks that speed up when you are trying to change into their lane? The lollygaggers that rubberneck every time there’s an accident because they want to see some carnage? Those that drive too fast in poor road conditions and those that drive too cautiously in good road conditions? Big slow stupid semis and dump trucks clogging the major roads during rush hour? Old farts oblivious to their surroundings as they piddle about town in their huge boat cars? Lane changers that signal after starting the lane change? Swamp-assers that use a straight-only lane as a secondary turning lane? Pissants that don’t bother clearing off their vehicles of snow and letting it all dump on to the road every time they hit a bump (and people with fenderbergs that don’t kick them off before getting in their vehicles)? The fucktards that speed up to get in front of you and then slow down? The “oh shit I don’t know what lane I need to be in so I’ll just keep going back and forth until I hit someone”ers? The geniuses that pull into an intersection even though the cars ahead have stopped, thus trapping them in the intersection and cross-traffic cannot get by? The snake-wranglers that park their vehicles so close to yours that you cannot get out of your spot? The gunt-scrunchers that drive up on the curb/boulevard/whatever because they want to make a turn but not wait for traffic to move? The mamma-molesters that ding/scratch/otherwise damage your vehicle and then run off instead of taking responsibility? The “screw the law…I’m gonna text message while driving anyway” retards? The trucks and SUVs that spray water and crap on your windshield in rainy or snowy weather because the anus-licking owners couldn't be bothered to put on mud flaps? The jizz faces that park their cars with two feet between the tires and the curb thus reducing room on the road for traveling vehicles? How about the pussy farts at a stop sign that wait FOREVER for an excessively enormous opening before making their move? The kamikaze troopers that drive in the wrong lane during a lane reversal (or the rare cases of drivers that drive the wrong way on established roadways)? The hard ons that park crookedly and/or over the line in parking stalls? The nutsacks that cannot seem to stay in their lane to save their lives? Poultry "lovers" that spend five times as long parking because they insist on backing in to a stall? The hairy grandma gooches that drive right up to the car in front of them and then violently smash on their brakes, thus causing all drivers behind to have to brake hard as well? Or perhaps the cum dumpsters that barely even slow down before going through a four-way stop?

Sigh. Well, those are but a few of my bad driver grievances. Maybe I'll tackle more of this list of bad drivers in AoG 2012. Unless my Festivus wish comes true and all bad drivers eat shit and die. Fingers crossssssssed! :)

Thanks for reading! Happy Festivus and a Happy New Year as well! Unless you're on this which case, please replace the first "Happy" with "Go fuck yourself during" and the second "Happy" with "Go fuck yourself during the" (numbers 4, 8, and 11 are excluded).

G'night everybody!