Monday, November 15, 2010

Stalker Pt. 3

The tail end of 2001 was none too pleasant for me. November 2001, in particular, was a really bad month, and I owe it all to Lisa the stalker. She was a 5'2" woman who couldn't have weighed 100lbs soaking wet, and I was legitimately afraid of her. To say it was unnerving to hear her growl through her teeth about stain on her arm or requesting I lacerate her flesh so she can taste her own blood is a severe understatement. But through it all, I did have one small comfort. She didn't really know anything about me. Sure, she had my name, my cellular number, and the knowledge that I was a shockingly handsome and statuesque male, but apart from that I was a complete mystery to her. That being said, sometimes life gives you a break. Sometimes, however, life throws you in a tub of sulfuric acid containing people-eating acid-immune sharks and a surface ablaze with onlyhappenstome fire.

Back in the day, I worked as a pizza delivery dude, as frequent readers of my blog are already aware. On the busy nights (Fridays, Saturdays, several holidays), we provided service for several business in Airdrie. On the slower days, we were basically only provided work by the big companies (Boston Pizza, Little Caesar's, etc.). Therefore, on those slower days, employees of Meadowbrook Deliveries tended to remain stationed at one of the major companies, both to save a drive in the event of an order coming up and to keep warm indoors. In late November 2001, a Wednesday to be more exact, I was working on what was a slow night even by slow night standards. I was the only employee working as there weren't enough orders to share with others. I decided to hang out at Little Caesar's restaurant, as my friend Crystal was working there and enjoyed my awesome company. At around 5:00PM or so, an order came through and Crystal quickly put everything together for me. I threw the pizzas and breadsticks into the trunk and off I went to deliver the goods.

Sidebar: Little Caesar's breadsticks are so delicious!!!

A few blocks from the restaurant, I came up to a red light. A large delivery truck pulled up next to my vehicle on the right while I was chatting with Trevor over the CB radio. Suddenly, I heard screaming coming from the truck next to me. I quickly looked out my window to assess the situation and my body went numb. Well not numb...that pins-and-needles, heart-dropping feeling you get that comes with a sudden shock. In the driver's seat of the vehicle, I saw her. I saw Lisa, my stalker. Lisa was driving a delivery truck from her work, likely dropping off a furniture order in town. Egad! The comfort I had in knowing Lisa did not know where I lived was now completely gone. I lived in Airdrie and she surely knew it now.

She was screaming something that was mostly incoherent (as my window was closed and the truck was loud), though I heard my name peppered in the freakish babbling. Lisa was also waving hysterically at me and grinning like she'd just won the lottery. I'm sure in her mind that finding me was comparable to winning a large sum of cash, so I suppose this should be no surprise. Wide-eyed, I turned back and faced forward. Maybe she didn't realize I saw her? She was up higher, but if I was able to see her she was able to see me. But still...there was a chance...
Heart racing, I repeatedly glanced over to the opposing lights, willing them as hard as I could to turn yellow! I was trapped at a red light with a fucking crackpot screaming at me a mere few feet away! Lisa began to sound the truck's horn, almost certainly in an attempt to get my attention. I rolled my driver's side window down a crack and could hear her screaming.


There were other things that I was still unable to decipher, but you get the idea.

I watched that light so a pervert stares at a stripper. I've never wanted something as much as I wanted that light to go red (so my light would turn green). But it wouldn't. It just wouldn't change! Time crawled, and perhaps even ticked backwards for a moment or two. What if Lisa got out of the vehicle? Oh damn, if she did that, I would have blown that light. Fuck the rules. My safety and sanity is more important.
But that nemesis...stubbornly stayed Turn yellow! Turn yellow you piece of shit light! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TURN THE FUCK YELLOW!!!!!!!!!

Yellow...yellow...yellow...RED! My car began to creep into the intersection when I saw the opposing light turn that beautiful beautiful shade of red. Green burst forth from the light ahead of me and I peeled away from Lisa's delivery truck like there was a bomb about to explode behind me. I watched in my passenger mirror as her truck headlights became smaller and smaller and smaller. I remember glancing at my speedometer as I drove nearly 90km/h in a 50 zone. As soon as I had left that intersection, the truck was a memory. A haunting, crazy, balls-sucking-into-one's-body memory.

I delivered the order, shivering from either the cold or the fact that Lisa was lurking somewhere in Airdrie. The city never felt smaller than it did that day. My phone rang incessantly as I returned to Little Caesar's, as Lisa was trying extra hard to get a hold of me. I was careful to take the road less traveled to reduce the likelihood that I would come across Lisa again. I parked my car in behind the mall so it could not be spied from passersby on Main St. and ran into the restaurant. I told Crystal all about my stalker and showed her my phone as the phone kept ringing and ringing. Crystal told me that if my stalker came into the restaurant, she would "take care" of Lisa for me. Crystal was a larger woman with funky coloured hair (purple at the time) and facial piercings. But even still, I don't think Crystal would fare well against pure evil. I sat in the back with Crystal, cringing every time the buzzer sounded when a customer came through the door. I hoped that no more delivery orders would come into Little Caesar's or another company while I waited out my shift. Luck! Trevor called me at 9:00PM and told me to call it a night. I drove home, VERY aware of everything around me. Lisa was nowhere to be seen. I'd avoided the beast. But despite being home safe, my victory was small. Lisa now knew what I drove and that I lived in Airdrie. Dammit.

Exactly a week later, I was "stationed" at Little Caesar's Pizza again. It was a busier night that usual, which was nice as I needed the cash. There had been no sign of Lisa over the past week, aside from the obligatory tonnes of unanswered calls to my cell phone, so I wasn't preoccupied with avoiding being found.

Dear reader: ALWAYS be preoccupied with avoiding being found when you have a stalker. Trust me.

Sorry all. I know I said part three would be the finale, but it was just too long. Part four has been written and will follow very soon!

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