Saturday, November 6, 2010


I've been holding off on telling this particular story. Maybe it's because most of you reading it have already heard the tale or maybe because it's uncomfortable to have to remember and share. But whatever the case may be, this really is a story that should be told. It's a warning to you all as to why you must never strike up conversations with strangers. You just never know what you're going to get.

You can read along with me in your book. You'll know it's time to turn the page when you hear R2D2 this:

Boop beep beep boop.

Let's begin now:

A long time ago in a city really really close by...


Episode 1
Attack of the %&#(@

In a daring journey to claim Christmas socks, handsome and debonair Dave Skywalker accompanied his friend Christa to The GAP in Southcentre Mall. Little did these two rebellious scallywags know that an evil chick with a hot bod was looming ever so close....

Okay, enough with the Star Wars homage (by the way, if you don't get the "read along" joke above, you're just not old enough).

Anyway, as I was saying...I had a weird friend named Christa. In early September 2001 (a week or so before 9/11), Christa decided she wanted to get a jump on the Christmas season by purchasing a pair of "Christmas socks." Now if you're thinking WTF, you're not alone. I had no idea what Christmas socks were either. Apparently, they were just socks coloured green and red. Christa knew that there were "Christmas socks" at The GAP. It was the day before the fall semester and I had nothing to do, so I decided to be a supportive friend and help Christa find some "Christmas socks." 

Back then, I believe The GAP was only in Southcentre Mall, which sucked since I was in Airdrie and Christa in NW Calgary. I made Christa meet me at Deerfoot Mall as I was either too lazy or cheap to drive up into Ranchlands to pick her up. Once I had her on board, we flew down to Southcentre Mall for some Christmas socks. Christa was fast. Christa knew exactly where the socks were in the store, but I figured I'd still have fun and play The GAP Challenge. 

What is The GAP Challenge? Well that's easy! A while back, The GAP was renowned for its high pressure salespeople. I'm assuming they worked off of commission alone or something, because they were rabid. The salespeople would pounce on you within seconds of your setting foot in GAP territory and would relentlessly pester you until you purchased something or fled for your life. Therefore the challenge was simple. Walk through the store, touching all three walls in any order, and leave, all without being accosted by a salesperson. It sounds easy but when it came to The GAP piranhas, it was damn near impossible. 

So I failed The GAP Challenge. Hell, I only got to the left wall before some skinny dude was asking what I needed help finding that day. My day was ruined. I told the guy that I was just looking for my friend and then I set off to meet her. Christa was already in line with her precious socks. And what a line it was! There were easily a dozen people lined up at the time, and more people fell into formation behind us as we waited. 

The problem was that there was a trainee working the cash register and she ran into some sort of hang up with the till. There were two salespeople buzzing about the store, but neither bothered to help the trainee (we later learned from the trainee that the salespeople in the store were not trained on cash and the person training her was on a break). The poor trainee was trying her hardest, pounding buttons and trying to solve the problem. However, the line was unforgiving. We all wanted to buy our Christmas socks NOW! 

While waiting for our turn, Christa and I began with the sarcasm (did you know I'm a sarcastic person? I bet you didn't!). We joked and complained about the situation, mainly because it was something to do. Fortunately we were not the only ones in line with a sense of humour. Behind us in line were two women. I don't recall what either was purchasing but I do recall that they found me hilarious. One of these girls, Lisa, was about 5'2" or so, thin, and very pretty. She was a redhead with a dusting of freckles over her nose and cheeks. I thought she was really cute, and so I made sure to include her and her friend into our conversation. We chatted as a foursome and joked about how perhaps The GAP should have brought in a Port-O-Potty and some lodging because of the wait. Whatever, she thought it was funny so who cares if it's lame? 

Sooner or later the line thinned, as the trainer returned to the store and got things running smoothly again (as well as opening a second till). When Christa's turn came up, the pretty redhead said to me that she thought I seemed like a really cool guy and asked for my number. I figured that it couldn't hurt to give her my cell number. Couldn't hurt at all. 

I'm stupid. 

I gave her my number and she gave me hers. Christa and I left The GAP and Christa ribbed me all the way back to her house over the number in my pocket (yes, I was feeling pretty content so I decided to drive Christa all the way home).

The next day, I was driving back to Airdrie after my first day of class. I was planning to call Lisa later in the evening, but it would seem that Lisa did not wish to wait. On my drive home, the phone rang. I recognized the number and was actually pretty pleased that she called. Guys like a girl that can take the initiative sometimes. The conversation flowed quite well, I remember, and I was considering asking her out for as soon as the weekend. But before I could brave the invite, things took a turn for the worse. 

Lisa brought up how she had a rough day at work and her back was sore. She began to talk about how she could really use a massage and hinted that the person giving her the massage should be me. Her suggestion wasn't offensive or premature to me at all, but I wasn't going to drive all the way to south Calgary from Airdrie (the next exit was in Airdrie) to give a stranger a massage. Despite her cute hints, I shot her down. However, Lisa wouldn't let up. She kept hinting, the hints becoming more and more obvious. She also began to be suggestive in her request. 
 "I won't be wearing a shirt or a bra...just so you know."
"You know, if you do a good job massaging my back, I'll let you massage my front." 

Sure, that's hot. That's a guy's fantasy. What dude would say no to that????

*raises hand*

Whatever. Judge me all you want. But come on! It was really weird and she came off as being desperate. It was a turn off. Also, I didn't want to make the drive. I said no quite firmly but without sounding like too much of an asshole. I didn't want to make her think I wasn't at all interested in her. Just that I wasn't THAT interested THAT soon. Lisa didn't seem to get what I was saying though. Perhaps she had never been shot down before or perhaps she was batshit fucking loco. Either way, I was getting a bit tired of her not listening, and I did lose interest. Since she wasn't taking no for the sake of it being no, I stepped it up a notch. I told Lisa that I had a girlfriend, though I did not. I said her name was Robyn (Robyn was actually a friend of mine and I was driving by her house at the time) and so anything sexual/sensual/etc could not happen between me and Lisa. 

Lisa decided my excuse was not good enough, I suppose, and Lisa said that she was better than Robyn. Lisa also said that Robyn "[didn't] have to know" that I gave Lisa the massage and whatever else would have happened. 
What. A. Slut. Seriously, that is what I thought when Lisa said that. But really, Lisa's problem wasn't just her skankorama personality but also that she had no respect for me or my fictitious girlfriend. Lisa was just out for a piece of ass and didn't care about the reasons why she couldn't get it. I told Lisa that none of what Lisa wanted was going to happen with me and I told Lisa I thought it was best to not talk to each other anymore. Lisa flipped out and called me frigid before hanging up in a fuss. It was over. No more crazy bitch, right?!

Sadly, that was not the end of my experience with Lisa. In fact, it was only the beginning...

Stay tuned for part 2.

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