Dave's a Dick (11 of ?)

From: Kijiji Reply (from ml) <post@kijiji.ca>
To: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Sent: Thursday, March 21, 2012 4:36:19 PM
Subject: Reply to your "Marvel Legends 2012 - Hope Summers, Iron Man, Constrictor" Ad on Kijiji

Hello! The following is a reply to your "Marvel Legends 2012 - Hope Summers, Iron Man, Constrictor" Ad on Kijiji: 

 

you're kidding right?these are not even rare items and on tru's they are selling these for 15 bucks.good luck man. 

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Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2012 19:19:03 -0700
From: wow_iz_lol@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Marvel Legends 2012 - Hope Summers, Iron Man, Constrictor" Ad on Kijiji
To: *******@yahoo.com

 

 

Dear Nameless Moron,

Thank you for your pointless email. It always warms my heart to know that there are people like you in the world who will waste their precious time in writing ineffectual emails to others in an attempt to boast your intellectual superiority by telling them "how it is." Much like I am doing to you now. The difference between us, however, is I clearly am educated and you are a nitwit.

As a matter of fact, I am not kidding about this listing. When I'm kidding, the end result is something humourous...much like how I would be kidding if I said I enjoy underwater basket-weaving while having my leg humped by a condescending little prick such as yourself. 

You see, I did not purchase these from tru (I believe you meant to type it as T.R.U. since it's used as an acronym for Toys R Us, but your mastery of the English language is clearly sub-par so I'll overlook it). I purchased these from a brick and mortar collectibles store in the city. Each was $24.99, because such stores need to increase the sticker price in order to make a profit. If you grab a calculator (since you're almost certainly too simpleminded to do math in your head) and add 5% G.S.T. to that price, you'll discover that I indeed paid over the $25 asking price for each.

Now, as for the second part of your "argument," these are not rare in that they are new, but with issues of distribution they are currently uncommon in our area. If Toys R Us does have them, then perhaps your time would have been better spent riding your bicycle (I assume with training wheels since your email appears to have been written by a child) to the nearest T.R.U. and purchasing them there. If they are being sold for $15 (which is far below the R.S.P. [that means Recommended Selling Price...I figured I should tell you since you're a complete tool]), then you'd best buy them up before T.R.U. realizes their mistake. That being said, I highly doubt that they are available at that price, and if they are, I highly doubt any of the stores have any in stock.

Before I continue, I would like to correct your email. The grammar is just so awful!
"You're kidding, right? These [figures] are not even rare items, and T.R.U. is selling them for $15 each. Good luck, man."

Here's what your email really meant:

"Hi, I'm a smeghead. I saw your advertizement on Kijiji. I wanted to send you an email to ask if your price is a joke. I noticed your price is far above the [possibly] less expensive Toys R Us price of $15. Good luck selling yours at a higher price. I'm secretly attracted to men and don't now how to deal with my homosexual fantasies due to my homophobia, so I'm lashing out. I'm sorry. Love abcdefg."

In conclusion, your silly little email was as futile as it was laughable. It's also a good example of why you should perhaps get a few details straight before you try and tell someone off. Actually, it would also probably be good for you to just keep your proverbial mouth shut because nothing that comes out of it is of any value...except maybe when your teeth fall out and you can get a quarter each from the Tooth Fairy. That's my two cents, and unlike yours, it hold some merit! You're welcome.

Regards,

Dave

P.S. I'm sorry you are feeling so butt-hurt (as my friend likes to say) about seeing some toys you wanted in my listing but cannot afford them. Perhaps if you get a job instead of writing stupid emails and masturbating to scrambled porn, you can afford them. Douche.

 

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No reply.

Dave's a Dick (10 of ?)

A friend pointed this ad out to me and the whole scenario is just so creepy! I just HAD to respond!

 
Original ad by "Mounir":

Kijiji Alberta > Calgary > real estate > room rental, roommates > Ad ID *********

share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE

Date Listed 16-Mar-12 Price $250.00 Address Alberta T**, Canada View map Furnished Yes Pet Friendly No This shared-bed is perfect for a clean, dd free working female I am 29 years old male looking to share my room with single female. I'm have an average body, it is nice and very clean room in two bedroom house, Internet and laundry included, I work a lot and on weekends. I am looking for someone quiet, clean that will keep the room and bathroom clean all the times. I do not smoke, or drink. I'm a positive thinker, and a bit of an introvert. I don't like going to bars, I use laptop in bed sometimes so I hope that doesn't keep you up, I am definitely NOT looking for Intimate Encounter or a relationship, The bed is big warm and cozy, and if we have any chemistry between us you are more than welcome to cuddle with me. just looking for someone nice busy with work, disease free, clean with no drama, just normal person, easy going not bossy or picky and has no attitude, no game player Should this advertisement attract you, kindly respond with few words about yourself and your number and we can meet for coffee and try it for while. room cost $400 each one of us will pay $250 for the room

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Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2012 17:06:53 -0700
From: smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji
To: ******@hotmail.com


Dear Gentleman with a room,

I came across your advertizement and I am very interested. I am new to Calgary and am currently working as a server full time. I am clean, neat, and quiet. Also dd free and p/o.

I assume there are other people living in the other bedroom of the home? What kind of people are they? Quiet too, I hope? Also, how is the neighbourhood? It's close to work and I wouldn't mind walking from time to time and I just want to know if it's safe.

Warmest regards,

Davina


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From: Mounir R**** <******@hotmail.com>
To: smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2012 6:28:59 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

Hey,

Yes , there is one person and he is nice and safe,and this is whatv I am looking for too, Can you send me you number and I will text you or call you and give you the info u like to know

Thanks
Adam (Mounir)


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Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2012 19:03:24 -0700
From: smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji
To: ******@hotmail.com

Dear Mounir,

Thank you for your timely reply. I am currently at work and I'm using the server computer in order to email you. I unfortunately left my cell phone at the YWCA where I am currently staying. Perhaps we could talk on the phone tomorrow evening?

The YWCA is quite an awful place to stay. Last week, while I was reaching my hand into the vending machine to try and score a free Snickers bar, my roommate came running up to me screaming about how her condylomata acuminata was flowering and she needed the toilet scrubber to relieve the itch. I told her the scrubber was in with the cleaning supplies but of course she didn't know where that was. I don't mind cleaning, but it would be nice if this roommate would stop using the floor mounted mirror to check for clusters and pick up a mop from time to time.

I shared this story because I would like to know if you would also clean up the bedroom and bathroom? As I said, I don't mind cleaning but not if I am the only person doing the cleaning.

Do you have a television in the bedroom? And an internet connection? I completely understand using a laptop in bed. Sometimes I would be using it to Skype with friends from back home, and it would have to be in the evening because of the time difference. I hope that would be okay. The person I talk to the most is my friend Nahsawnd Inawtabel and she is hard of hearing so we usually use the webcam and speak in sign language. I would not be talking at all so you would be able to sleep.

You mention that the bed is big. Is it a queen size bed? I hope it is not a twin size bed or else we would not be able to fit! LOL

Warmest regards,

Davina

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From: Mounir R***** <******@hotmail.com>
To: smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2012 10:03:26 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

Hi Davina,

You can call or text me tomorrow and maybe we can meet for coffee , my number is 403 ***-****

as for cleaning we have to be very clear about this from start, every thing will always be cleaned in bedroom bathroom and kitchen just for respecting each other

we can do sheets every weekend and when ever you like, I have queen bed which I thing very big but there is only TV in living room, I will show you the place anyway after we meet tomorrow, send  me you number please and let me know if you free to meet after 6:00PM

Best regards,

Adam (Mounir)

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From: Davina Leettrol <smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2012 13:13:38
To: <******@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working
female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

Dear Mounir,



Sorry for the delay in replying to you. The girls and I were playing crotch games with a whiffle bat in the YWCA courtyard last night (we had our St. Patrick's Day drinks last night instead of tonight) and it completely slipped my mind to email you back. I have just been cleaning up the room I share, as we made a bit of clutter while having a pillow fight because one of the pillows exploded and we decided to tar and feather our dorm mistress while she slept. I have decided that it would probably be prudent to invent a specialized pillow just for pillow fights! A pillow that will not break apart no matter how hard you hit someone. Do you think that would be a good idea? We could then have pillow fights without worrying that the pillows will break and feathers ending up all over the room.



I admit that I am quite a playful person and sometimes will do something silly like having a pillow fight or playing hide and seek with neighbourhood strays. If that is a problem for you, I assure you I will remain completely mature when in the home with you.


I am happy to hear that you and I will share the cleaning responsibilities. I was worried that I would have to do all the upkeep and that was certainly not appealing to me. As for sheets, I would probably like to clean them two or three times a week because of my lactating, but I'll clean them every time because I respect that it can be inconvenient. Being p/o sometimes has it's disadvantages when it comes to the hormone therapy. :(



I will be working at the restaurant this evening so we cannot meet for coffee. However, you're more than welcome to come down and say hi! I work at Hooters. There are two in Calgary and I work at the restaurant on MacLeod Trail because it's an easy train ride from downtown where I'm currently living. The address is 4608 MacLeod Trail S. Just ask the hostess to seat you in Davina's section or ask for me (though I'm not allowed to seat you). I'll make sure not to take my break until you arrive so that we can have some time to sit and talk together. I'm working 5PM to close (which is 1AM tonight).



If you cannot swing by tonight, that's okay. Just drop me an email as I won't have my cell with me. I am a little hesitant to give you my cell number right now anyway because I don't know you. A beautiful single w man in Calgary has to take care of herself! :) Once we meet and I'm comfortable with you, I'll happily give you my number. If we do get along, when could I come to see the room?



Warmest regards,



Davina

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From: ******@hotmail.com
Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2012 15:25:22
To: Davina Leettrol<smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Reply-To: ******@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji


Ok , I will try to stop around 6, I am sure it will be busy there , if we agreed on every thing when u looking to move?

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone powered by Mobilicity

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 From: Mounir Rifai <******@hotmail.com>
To: Davina Leettrol <smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2012 5:37:42 PM
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

I am now at the  Hooters but staff told me they do not know any one in this name, anyways let me know what time is good for you to meet tomorrow if you free at 5 or after

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone powered by Mobilicity
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 From: Davina Leettrol <smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Date: Sat, 18 Mar 2012 20:17:13
To: <******@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working
female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

Dear Mounir,

I don't understand. You came here and someone said I wasn't there? Who did you talk to when you were here? I was on the floor serving customers. Are you sure you were at the south restaurant on MacLeod Trail and not the north restaurant off Barlow Trail? I was waiting and waiting to take my break because I thought you would be coming in to the restaurant!

I feel terrible that you came all this way and someone told you I was not there. I almost cried when I read your email. I'm not well liked here because most of the girls don't think I should be working here since I was not born a woman. But they're jealous because I am so beautiful. I will try my hardest to be available after 5PM tomorrow. We can meet somewhere near your home this time. Is there a Tim Hortons or other coffee shop located near you? I would be happy to meet at any coffee shop as long as it isn't a Second Cup. One time I was drinking a latte with a friend in a Second Cup downtown when a barista came up to our table and asked us to stop putting our faces in the latte mug and blowing. I told the barista that we were making bubbles because we wanted to see if we could carbonate the drink. I'm not sure why, but my friend then picked her nose and ate it. It was at that time that a man at the condiment table vomited into the cinnamon shaker, which caused a chain reaction of vomiting from other patrons that resulted in a very slippery floor and a highly offensive odour in the coffee house. My friend and I were asked never to come back and I have since then not wanted to go to a Second Cup again.

But I digress. My break is over and I have to get back to work now. Let me know when you can about where we could meet. And please accept my sincerest apologies that someone here told you I was not in the restaurant when I am here. I'm furious! I will be talking to my boss about this later tonight.

Warmest regards,

Davina

Sent from my iPhone

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From: Mounir R***** <******@hotmail.com>
To: smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2012 10:17:49 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

Hi Davina,

there was old man with big saint patrick hat asked me to pick a place, I picked one and when I asked the girl about you she told me there is no one in this name, I think she did this to get the tips. she told me she has been working there for year and knows everyone, I was setting on the third table next on the right side of the door and got ice tea only at 5:30PM

we can meet at the Tim's next to sunridge mall if you like around 6 if you not working tomorrow night, or we might can meet at 1:30 if I am still up and can meet you tonight

i attached copy of photos for the place and me, can you send me yours, how long you been in Calgary for, 

I have some thought but can you please clarify for me what do you mean by p/o

Best regards,

Mounir

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From: Mounir R***** <******@hotmail.com>
To: Davina Leettrol <smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, March 18, 2012 12:58:00 PM
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

Hey,

I did not hear back from you yet, I hope you ok,please let me know soon please because  I have someone would like to see the room and would like to meet you and talk first


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone powered by Mobilicity

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From: Davina Leettrol <smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Date: Sun, 18 Mar 2012 15:38:24
To: <******@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working
female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

Dear Mounir,

I'm sorry for the delay. I got off work at 1AM last night but had to close the restaurant. I didn't get home until nearly 2:30AM and I slept in right til it was time to go to work. I am working until 8PM tonight, so meeting at 6PM at Tim Hortons won't work. Perhaps later in the evening.

The older man with the hat was Stanley. It's a shame you did not tell him you were here to see me as he would have sat  you in my section. The girl who served you was almost certainly Janet. Either that or you were seated in Chrissy's section. Whoever it was, they don't know jack about who works there. I was there when you were there. I'll be contacting the manager Larry about this fiasco.

Thank you for the photos. You are very handsome. I cannot wait to kiss you!

Who else is interested in sharing the room? Do you think the bed would be big enough for all three of us? When I was in high school, me and a group of friends went on a road trip to Gahtchagud, North Dakota for spring break. When we got to the hotel, only one of the two rooms we booked was available. So all six of us crammed into a king sized bed. It wasn't very comfortable because Ralph and Lana kept feeling each other up while I was between them. Fortunately, Terri said she had enough and booted Ralph to the floor. Cindy took Ralph's spot and things were a lot better so we could sleep. However, this would only be you, me, and this other girl, so it should be okay to share the bed. Does this girl like girls or just boys? I like girls and boys.

I have been in Calgary for 13 years, though it feels like 37. I had been married to a man for ten years until he found out I was p/o. I should have told him but we were just so happy. For the last three years I have been living in a shelter because I could not find a place to live. Until I met you! Now I'm so happy because I get to share a bed with a handsome man named Mounir and Troll (my dog). He does not shed and he's very clean. He's a bit big but he usually sleeps at the foot of the bed. Sometimes he gets bored at night and will lick your face while you're sleeping, but that's rare. Sometimes he sits on my face when I'm trying to sleep too. What a silly puppy! The worst we'll have to worry about is if he gets gas overnight. His toots are smelly! I've attached a picture of Troll with my ex-husband Lex. 

Warmest Regards,

Davina

P.S. I've included a picture of me too!

P.P.S. p/o stands for post operation. When I was 19 I underwent a sex-change operation from man to woman. But it's okay. I now have a vagina so we can have sexual intercourse every night. Mwah! 

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From: Mounir R***** <******@hotmail.com>
To: Davina Leettrol <smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, March 18, 2012 6:00:58 PM
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

Well . I had it clear in the add that I am not looking for sex, I work night shifts so we will not share bed at the same time, send me you number,

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone powered by Mobilicity

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From: Davina Leettrol <smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Date: Sun, 18 Mar 2012 19:34:51
To: <******@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working
female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

Dear Mounir,

I understand that you are not looking for sex. I'm sorry that I suggested it. Sometimes I don't think before I say something. Forgive me?

It's unfortunate that we will not be sharing the bed at the same time. Do you mind that Troll will sleep on the bed in the day with you? He's very cuddly so I'm sure you'll love his company!

I'm sorry for the delay. I was packing up the U-Haul today with my things and am now officially moved out of the YWCA. I'm staying at the Super 8 motel on Barlow Trail near 32nd Avenue for the evening. I'll be moving in with you tomorrow morning (Monday March 19, 2012). Troll is jumping up and down and I think he knows we're moving again! We're both very excited to live with you!

Will anyone be home in the morning since you will be sleeping? Or can you leave a key under the mat for me? Our third roommate Greg will be with me to help move everything in so you won't have to worry about getting up to help. Greg also works nights so he'll probably just climb into bed with you once we're done moving everything in. Talk to you soon!

Warmest regards,

Dave

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From: Davina Leettrol <smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Date: Sun, 18 Mar 2012 22:04:45
To: <******@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working
female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

I have not heard back from you yet. I hope everything is okay. I have given Greg your phone number and he will call you at 8AM tomorrow to arrange moving in. If he can't get a hold of you, we will have to unload the truck in the front yard as we only have the truck until 5PM. See you tomorrow!

Warmest Regards,

Dave

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From: Mounir R***** <******@hotmail.com>
To: smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com
Sent: Sunday, March 18, 2012 10:11:20 PM
Subject: RE: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

are you going to drive from Burnaby in one day? I can take day off if you like, I will just wait for you till you get there, and we can have your friend stay on air bed if you like, but the other girl who saw the room today liked it too, so we will work something out,

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From: Davina Leettrol <smallwonderfancollaborative@yahoo.com>
Date: Sun, 18 Mar 2012 22:20:22
To: <******@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Reply to your "share my bed , room to share with single working
female in NE" Ad on Kijiji

I don't understand. I'm not in Burnaby. I'm in a motel on Barlow Trail. About a five minute drive away from you. 

As for Greg, he will not want the air mattress. He has back problems. Also,he will want to cuddle with you. You and Greg can share the bed (and Troll can sleep on the bed too). I will sleep on the air mattress with the other girl. 

Anyway, my baby is crying and needs to be fed. I should go!

Warmest Regards,

Dave

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No reply. Turns out Mounir hates babies. So he can't be all bad.

Gophenwick

Some friends at Dori411 have been working diligently over the past year on an exciting graphic novel and accompanying web series titled simply Gophenwick. Gophenwick, taking place in an alternate future, is about a young girl named Zoe, whom with her paranormal investigation team, encounters several mysteries that ultimately lead Zoe and her team to Gophenwick, Wales; a town overwrought with the supernatural.
Check out the Gophenwick Facebook page for tonnes of photos, concept art, music, and up-to-date information on the project! But Dori411 can't undertake this task without your help! The costs to produce anything of quality is high these days, and they need your help! Head on over to their Indie Gogo site and see if you can help them reach their goal to make Gophenwick the best production it can be! Any contribution you can make comes with terrific exclusive Gophenwick perks (i.e. a $20 donation gets you production art cards!).
Even if you cannot afford to contribute anything, do "like" the Facebook page so you can keep on top of everything Gophenwick as it becomes available.

Now, I just have to sweet-talk my way into the series. Though something tells me there's not much room in the story for a sarcastic asshole. Oh well, maybe Dori411 can write me in. ;)

How to Speak (Somewhat) Correctly

Grammar. Grammar is a beautiful thing. Grammar is a rule set for the composure of a particular language. The proper usage of grammar can make a fool look intelligent, and poor grammar can make a genius look like a moron. I was raised to appreciate the importance of grammar and, in turn, learned to use it properly (for the most part).
Sure, there are a few slip-ups that I will make from time to time. I'm quite guilty of ending sentences with prepositions. "A preposition is never what a sentence should end with." However, most of the time I speak and write with grammatical correctness in mind. As a result, when I come in contact with other people who do not use it, I become unreasonably bothered. Especially when people misuse cliches! You would think that a cliche would be universally grammatically correct because of its heavy usage, but unfortunately as cliches pass from person to person, the saying tends to change. Frustrating.
I have decided to use my blog for an outlet. A way to complain about poor grammar and a way to correct those who may not realize they are erring. I'll update this as I hear new cliches being spoken incorrectly. Also, I'm sure that I'll slip up myself at some point in the body of this post. Feel free to make fun of me if I did and missed it!

Let's begin now.

1. "Where in the hell are you?" or "Where the hell are you?"
Could someone hit the buzzer please? Both of these versions are used (at least in my experience) FAR more than the correct question. The question is asking where a person is located and uses the location of hell to be humorous. But one would be found IN hell. Therefore, "where "the" hell are you?" makes no sense! Would you ask "where the museum are you?" or "where the New York City are you?" Nope, I don't think you would ask those questions in that way. So don't say "where the hell are you" either!
And while "where in the hell" is technically correct, the "the" is not needed when using the name of a location. For example, let's use MacArthur Park as an example. One would not say "where in the MacArthur Park are you?" though saying so would not be technically incorrect. "Where in MacArthur Park are you?" is much more elegant. However, one would say "where in THE park are you?" when the name of the park is not used. In the case of hell, it is a specific name of a location and so the "the" is not necessary. The correct, grammatically correct question should be:
   "Where in hell are you?"

2. "For god's sakes" or "For god sakes" or "For god sake."
Take a moment and think about the construction of this phrase. What the person is supposed to be saying is "for the sake of god." Therefore, the above variations are wrong and make no sense. "for the sakes of god?" Nope. Makes no sense.
The other two have no possessive, which means that whatever they are doing is for "god sakes" or "god sake," which sound like locations or people. "We do this for our leader: God Sakes!?" Nope. "We do this for our leader: God Sake?" Nope. Not even close to the intended meaning, people! The correct statement should be:
    "For god's sake."
The same goes for variants of this cliche, such as "For fuck's sake."

3. "I could care less."
This one really bugs me. A person would say "I could care less" as a sarcastic and humourous way to express disinterest in something.
"Hey, want to learn underwater basket-weaving?"
"Nah, I could care less about that."
However, by one saying that one could care less about something, they are actually saying that it would be possible to care less than they do. While COULD care less gets the point across, it does not appropriately express the person's true and complete disinterest. The proper, most effective wording should be:
   "I couldn't care less."

More to come as I hear and become frustrated by them.

I Hate My Job

Picture it. February 23, 2012. A small storm cell passes through the city and the temperature drops from above zero to below. The snowflakes hit the pavement and melt, but because of the falling temperature, the water then freezes. Roadways are now smooth ice rinks. Most drivers are creeping along at two or three kilometers an hour. The assholes and idiots in their penis-compensating, gas-guzzling SUVs and trucks go flying by at the posted speed limit, noticeably having control issues with their fishtailing and inability to navigate a straight line. A commute that should take thirty-five minutes has already taken an hour and a half and there's still so much more to go.

And I'm stuck in the car with two kids.

Normally I wouldn't mind. But the older kid must have known I was already feeling the stresses of the evening and decided to make matters worse. He vomits. He vomits all over himself. He vomits all over the booster seat. He vomits all over the seat itself. He vomits all over the floor. He vomits all over the back of the front seat. He vomits on the car seat next to him. He vomits on his sister. Imagine filling a Ziploc® bag with puke and then smacking your hands together to make it explode. That's what the back of my car looked like.
What adds insult to injury is not only did the kid not tell me he was going to throw up (which sometimes you just don't have that warning time so I can't be too frustrated about it), but he didn't TELL ME after he'd thrown up. There was no "gurblah" sound like when most people vomit. He must have been coughing it up and so I thought it was just coughing. While it spewed forth from his gaping maw, there was no noise at all! All he needed to do was say "hey, um...I threw up."
But no. I learn the hard way when the odour starts to whiff into the front. I can't stand the smell of barf. It makes me want to vomit too...vicious cycle. It's olfactory ipecac to me. I smell it but because I'm more accurately skating my car along than driving, I do not dare look back in case the dude up ahead stops.
"Everything okay back there?" I ask, "I smell throw-up." No answer. "Hellooooo, [name removed]? You sleeping?" No answer. I continue along until I reach the first foster home. I get out to help the sister out of the vehicle and that's when I see the aforementioned disaster. Neither of the kids are sleeping. The sister looks disgusted (and for good reason). The boy is just sitting there staring at the seat. I ask him if he is okay and he begins to cry.
Right now I REALLY dislike this kid. I mean, I don't like kids on the best of days, so when I say I REALLY don't like a kid, you can take that to mean it is five seconds away from being a hood ornament. But I kept my cool. I have to be professional, and getting upset at this thing isn't going to change the fact that the back of my car looks like an bulimic's bathroom. I lie to him. I tell him I'm not mad. I tell him that everything is okay. I drop off his sister and help him clean himself off. I then spend fifteen minutes getting the bulk of the blow out of my car.
We then leave the home to take him back to his foster home. Another long, boring, and now smelly drive. Roads are progressively worse now. I'm heading along a road normally 100km/h at a top speed of probably 2km/h. Douchebuckets are flying past me, barely keeping on the road. There's no where to stop because the people behind will almost certainly try and follow into the shoulder (as you can't see the road's lines due to the ice and snow). And that's when this fucking kid pukes AGAIN! Doesn't say anything, but because he's now on the opposite side of the car (where his sister was before), I can see him clearly. While this time it was more contained (just to himself, the OTHER clean booster seat, and a bit of the seat below), he didn't fucking use the bag I gave him. He starts to cry again. Fuck you, kid. Seriously.
As I stated, I can't pull over. He has to stew in his own stomach juices, bile, and semi-digested foodstuffs for almost ten minutes. We get to his foster home and I help him clean off. I tell the foster parents what happened and borrow some Febreeze® to try and hide the odour until I can get home (another forty-five minutes, as it turned out). I use half the bottle. The mist in the air causes me to cough for a bit, but that's better than the alternative. But even still, the smell eats through the Febreeze® and I have no choice but to crack my window for fresh air. I am cold, and snowflakes and slapping me in the face as I crawl my way home. I stop off for gummi bears when I'm almost home and eat a few. I feel a bit better. Though I still spend two hours cleaning my car in the snow and washing the booster seat covers. A terrible, terrible evening.

There's no moral to this story...except for ensure your children are on an empty stomach before putting them in my car. Next time one pukes in my car, I just might not be able to stop myself from puking on them.