Let's face it. There's something charming about odd uses of the English language. Whether it be words being pronounced incorrectly or strange phrases uttered that are just not heard in one's own society, it's funny and really makes you think WTF?
Recently, I began working with a woman in her fifties. This woman is nice enough, but what is really interesting about her are her bizarre expressions. To be honest, I'm unsure where she got these sayings from, because she's born and raised in Alberta. But for some reason, she's an invaluable resource for some really laughable and messed up expressions.
This woman has a nasty cough...you know the type. That cough that has a whole lead-up in which the person inhales to prepare for the long, drawn-out, loud cough. And then coughs out a lung for a minute straight. I'm sure you've all heard a cough such as this, but I'll bet none of you have heard someone say, upon completing the cough, "Oh, stone a crow!" Or "Oh lord, love a duck!" Or "Oh, fudgesicles," "Oh, fudge," "Oh, balderdash," or my favourite "Oh, son of a seahorse!"
When it's chilly outside, we all have some witty metaphors for the cold. But let me ask you, has anyone ever described the weather as being "colder than Toby's tush out there?" Yes, it's colder than Toby's tush out there. Who the hell is Toby and who's measuring the temperature of his ass?
Ever been so frustrated at a person that you have no choice but to tell them off? Perhaps you, as with this woman, tell them this: "Bite my tail feathers!" What?
While speaking to her mischievous granddaughter, she used the expression "you sneaky Peter." She also has told her granddaughter to "choke up, chicken," and referred to the little girl as "angel puss," "my duckling," and as being "a little bit floppity doodled." When her granddaughter fusses or cries, she holds her granddaughter while repeating "goodness gayshus, Aunt Matilda." Yeah. Gayshus. Okay.
This woman loves to say "gag me with a spoon," and refers to sofas as "chesterfields," both of which have obvious English connections.
The list goes on and on. I wonder if this is actually a human being or some sort of robot with a program to create random weird sayings. But if she is in reality a robot, who made her and why? Was it just to entertain me and make me wonder what the hell she just said a hundred times an hour? Or is there something more sinister going on? I don't know, but as long as this woman provides me with humorous WTFisms, she can be a super epic ninja assassin mega killer robot for all I care...just so long as, at the end of the day, she doesn't leave me too floppity doodled.