Thursday, March 17, 2011

Cause I Gotta Eat Too, Riding Hood!

I wrote this in one of my creative writing courses. The point of this poem was to tell a well-known story from the point of view of a different character. So I chose Little Red Riding Hood and decided to write from the point of view of the wolf rather than that silly bitch in red. Enjoy. Or don't enjoy. Couldn't care less! 

‘Cause I Gotta’ Eat Too, Riding Hood!

From a forest barren of food
I was happy to see the girl in red
Skipping along with a basket of goodies
To feed a sickly old wench

For a predator I was polite to say
“A biscuit for a hungry wolf?”
But she stuck out a little red tongue
Every time, skipping merrily away

I wanted only a nibble of bread
And she wouldn’t offer a crumb
So trickiness came into play
To grandmother’s house I would go

Grandmother was old but I gobbled her up
Though tough and stringy she would be
I put on grandmother’s bonnet and gown
So to trick the little red riding hood

“What big eyes you have” said she
As she came through grandmother’s door
“The better to see you with” quickly said I
Hidden slightly by all the covers

“What big ears you have” she grinned
Making me anxious a little bitty bit
 So I spoke “The better to hear you with”
And she seemed satisfied with that

“What big teeth you have” she screeched
While I licked my chops and jumped at her
“The better to EAT you with” I growled,
Feeling very clever with my reply

I gobbled the girl up hood and all,
Not to mention the basket of bread
Tender and warm. It made me full
So I patted my tummy over and over

That’s when the door feel down
At the hands of that darn woodsman
Who chopped me in half with an axe
That let grandmother and riding hood fall out

Now that girl and her grandmother love
To step all over me as they go
Across the living room for a drink
Because I’m just a rug on the floor

But hear this little red riding hood
Oh and this goes for grandmother too
If I ever get feeling in my mouth again
I’ll gobble you both up whole!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Gangsta Bitchez!

Back in the summer of 2000, there was a concert festival called Summersault 2000. Summersault was the bringing together of several big name alternative bands in one venue and it was nothing short of awesome! Sum 41, Foo Fighters, Treble Charger, A Perfect Circle, Finger Eleven, and Our Lady Peace (OLP created and organized the event) were some of the names present at the show. But the reason I went was because the show was being headlined by my favourite band at the time: The Smashing Pumpkins.
In May 2000, Billy Corgan (lead singer of The Smashing Pumpkins) announced that he was dissolving his band of twelve years. I was pretty much devastated. The Smashing Pumpkins, of all bands, really spoke to me. Maybe I was full of angst back then and TSP's music was filled with the same. Maybe Billy Corgan's less-than-stellar voice appealed to me because I could sing along and stay in tune. Whatever the reason, I really loved the music, so hearing that they were breaking up sucked.
Anyway, the Pumpkins were coming to Edmonton, so they were only a few hours away. I never had a chance to see them before, and Summersault 2000 was my last chance before they were gone for good (lawl what did I know?). Shannon decided it would be uber-cool to take a road trip up to Edmonton to attend the show and I was all in agreement. The original line-up of people coming to the show included Shannon, Shannon's slutty cousin Cheryl (I think that's the spelling), Justin (an almost offensively ugly perpetual downer with super low self-esteem), Darren (Shannon's brother and at one time a friend of mine), Knickerbitch (more about her HERE), and me. The morning we were set to go, Darren decided he didn't want to go and ditched out. The rest of us went on our way at around noon.
The road trip was fairly decent. Justin was moaning and complaining about whatever, Cheryl kept giving me the slut-eye, and Knickerbitch only talked about her family, but it was fun nonetheless. We got to Edmonton and immediately went to the Commonwealth Stadium to attend Summersault 2000. I was a total badass back then and I decided I wanted to bootleg the concert, so I had recording equipment hidden on my person. Sadly, the security dudes at the door were patting people down pretty thoroughly, so I got scared. We were miles from Shannon's aunt's house (where we were to stay overnight after the show) and so I had nowhere to ditch the device. I went up to one of the security guards and worked my magic. I told him the recorder (standard cassette tape recorder) DID record, but I also used it for playback. I continued that I forgot to leave it where I was staying, but I did not have any tapes or microphones on my person, so he could rest assured that I wouldn't be recording anything. He basically told me that he believed me, but I had better keep the recorder hidden from the police (yeah there were a tonne of actual uniformed cops milling around the stadium). I was in! The first thing I did was get my tie-clip microphone out of Shannon's shoe and my blank tapes from Knickerbitch's shoe. I then went to a bathroom stall and wired myself up. I was good to go!
The show was terrific. Every band did a great job. Raine Maida (lead singer of OLP) even climbed up the support structure holding up a big banner just so he could see the entire sea of people. It was cool. But the final band to perform was the band I truly came to see...The Smashing Pumpkins took the stage. I was absolutely blown away by the show. It was a great way to proverbially say goodbye to the most influential music of my life (at the time).
After the show, we all were picked up by Shannon's aunt and we returned to the home. We got changed and then decided to take a stroll along Whyte Ave. We all strolled along the road, laughing and talking and having a really good time. As we walked, we noticed a very tiny pizza parlour that was still open. Craving something to eat, we began to go into the pizza shop. As we walked in the door, a large grubby Native man stood up and began to yell at the proprietor of the shop. Words were exchanged and we decided to quietly back out. As we left, the fight became physical, with the Native man pushing the owner and the owner grabbing a broom to retaliate. Should we have maybe intervened or called the cops? Maybe. But instead we just kept on walking.
A few blocks further down the road, a group of about a half dozen chicks approached us. They were all wearing trampy clothes, such as knee-high boots, really short skirts, and low-cut shirts which barely concealed their bosoms. As the girls got close, one of them asked us in a grammatical nightmarish version of English if we "gots" any "smokes." I honestly have no idea why we all responded the way we did. We had not been drinking and the stadium was open-air so we weren't hot-boxed. But, for some inexplicable reason, we all turned and ran. We ran as fast as we could run! As we tore away from these ladies, I remember myself yelling "go go go! They're gangsta bitchez!" The gangsta bitchez weren't chasing us or anything. In fact, as I looked over my shoulder I noticed they were just standing there staring at us. We rounded a corner and ran a few more blocks before stopping and having fits of laughter. Once we calmed down, we decided to head back to the house and catch some sleep.

The next morning, we got up at about 10AM so that we could swing by the West Edmonton Mall before heading back to Airdrie. Sadly, one of the members of our troupe was Knickerbitch. And if you read my previous entries about her, you won't be at all surprised to hear that from the moment we woke up, she was complaining about how she missed her family and wanted to go home. Well we ignored it at first. Then we convinced her to wait a bit so we could go to the mall. But after about fifteen minutes at the mall, Knickerbitch was just too much. She did NOTHING but piss and moan and demand that we go home. Fine. We all left the mall after barely even being there just to take the pathetic homesick psycho back home. I was really disappointed as I had not been to the mall since I was about eight years old (there was a mother f*#@ing Toy City there when I had last been...yeah, TOY CITY!!!!). I haven't been back there since either. I think I need to go.
But I digress. We piled back into the car and headed home. The drive back was fairly quiet. The only bit of entertainment on the drive was Shannon trying to get her portable CD player to operate in the car (it did not have any antishock protection, so it was skipping like a sunuvabich).
When I returned home, I listened to my bootleg. Sadly, aside from the final encore song (1979), the bootleg was rubbish. But at least I came home with some memories I'd keep with me forever. Memories of seeing my favourite band play live. Memories of fifteen magical minutes in the biggest mall in Canada. And memories of being "chased" down Whyte Ave by gangsta bitchez. Ah, those were the good ol' days.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

My Top Ten Pet Peeves

Everyone's got 'em. Pet peeves. Those little things that just rub us the wrong way. Annoying behaviours of others that just tick us off. I suppose the definition of what a pet peeve is varies from person to person. In fact, something that doesn't annoy me may be one of the most annoying things in the world to you. My inspiration for writing this entry was because a friend said something which pet peeved me off last night, but what was said was really not a big deal when thought about objectively. I decided I'd share some of my weirdest pet peeves just to see who else out there shares them with me and who thinks I'm out of my mind.

1. When a person says "Safeways" when referring to the grocery store Safeway. Unless you are referring to multiple Safeway locations, the name is not pluralized! Come on!!!
2. When a person is in line at a grocery store and proceeds to have his/her items scanned in on two or more different receipts. In other words, the person makes multiple purchases. I understand the person may just be buying things for a friend or family member (and will be paid back by that person), but why not just buy everything on one bill and then figure out what the other person owes you later? If there are two receipts because a receipt is necessary for reimbursement, I suppose there's no way around it, but one could make separate trips to the cash register instead of holding up the line with two or more different purchases. Ugh.
3. When a person parked crooked in a parking stall or parks on/over the painted line. It's not difficult to navigate a vehicle between the yellow lines of a parking space, so there's really no excuse for overlapping the line. Sometimes a person has no choice because the person next to them had already parked like a moron, but that first moron still has no excuse. And crooked parking? What's with that? The lines are straight and offer a perfect guideline for where to have your vehicle. When one gets out of a vehicle and notices their car is not parallel to the yellow lines, why don't they take five seconds and correct that? Frustrating!
4. When you lend something to someone and it comes back in worse condition than when you last had it. How many times have you lent someone a CD in pristine condition, and when it is returned it has smudges, scratches, a damaged case (or no case at all)? I treat anything lent to me as though it were my own, but for some reason there are some people out there that put less value on the possessions of others. It's people like that who make me not want to share!
5. iPhone autocorrect. Anyone with an iPhone is probably in agreement with this one. I can't tell you how many times I've sent a message such as "What a ducking joke" or "Holy shot!" Usually I can catch it before it autocorrects, but when you're in a hurry it's easy to overlook.
6. When a person uses internet shortcuts in their writing. I guess it's okay in text messages so long as the messages remain easy to read (when it becomes like "so r u cummin 2 teh bar 4 drinks 2nite" I focus more on the way it is written instead of what is being asked or said), but using shortcuts in stories, essays, or even emails is silly. Grammar and spelling are very important to me and should probably be important to everyone.
7. When people pronounce things incorrectly. The major offender in my opinion is when people delete sounds from words when there's no reason to do so. People in Calgary almost always pronounce it as "Calgry." They omit the second A and then accuse me of pronouncing the name incorrectly because I pronounce a letter than is not silent (illogical). Other major pronunciation fails are "T'rohno" (TOronTo), supposubly (supposedly), comf-ter-bull (comfOrtAble), and innernet (inTernet). Yes, I felt it necessary to capitalize the letters people inexplicably leave out! This blog isn't just for entertainment. It's also for learning.
There's also people make up irregardless or sensical. There's no excuse, people!
8. Salespeople who accost you in malls and stores. No, I don't want to sign up for your RBC rewards credit card! No, I don't want to buy your $7 box of nasty chocolate covered nuts! No, I don't want to try your men's moisturizer! No, I don't want to add a printer to my purchase so you can get a better commission cheque! No, I don't want a Swedish massage with a happy ending! I think when these people approach me when I'm minding my own business, I'll just give them THE FACE!
9. When a person says they will do something and then at the last minute "change their mind." Everyone knows at least one person that makes this act an art. For some reason, these people think that somehow it is less rude or mean to say they will do something (when they have no intention of doing so) and then ditching at the last minute than just saying NO in the first place. WTF is wrong with these people? If I invite you on a road trip, don't say you'll come and then change your mind the morning of the trip! FACT: It is actually exorbitantly more rude and inconvenient to the other person/people to ditch out of an activity you were never going to participate in than to simply tell the truth by saying no when first asked. Now that you all know this fact, please stop doing it! Thankyouverymuch.
10. Pedestrians that just walk out into an intersection without looking. Yeah, yeah...pedestrians have the right of way in this province. That in itself is a retarded rule. I think that drivers should yield to pedestrians at uncontrolled crosswalks, but there should be responsibility placed on the pedestrian to ensure it is safe to cross. I can't begin to count the number of times some retard wearing all black (at night) darts out into a crosswalk (when the road is covered in ice) or even just jaywalk, and I have a bollocks time slowing down in time even though I'm driving safely according to the conditions. Why can't these people stop and look? Why are these people so stupid that they don't bother to take a second to think before they act? Some pedestrians walk around like they're invincible, but FACT: an automobile is a few pounds heavier than a person and metal and plastic are a tiny bit harder than flesh and bone. Unacceptable.

There. Ten of my pet peeves. I did have a little trouble completing this list as I do not ruminate over these things. While my writing style may make it seem as though I'm obsessed about the things that annoy me, I assure that is not the case. But when these things do happen, I do become frustrated or annoyed for a few moments.
I invite you to share your biggest pet peeves, either via Blogspot comments or Facebook comments. We can't stop the things that peeve us off, but at least we can laugh about it!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dildos and the Diarrhea Dill.

Most stories I have shared in this blog are a true testament to my immaturity when I was a child. Sadly, few have given a look into my immaturity as an adult. I have some truly immature tendencies when I'm with the right company. One friend in particular provides a good bad influence on me as I do on him. We play off each other perfectly to get up to all sorts of mischief and odd activities. I promised to keep his name a secret for the sake of the blog. He had a good reason for this and I see no reason to disrespect his wishes. As a result, I have changed his name to Kobe Masahiko (he'll get the reference but to everyone else reading this is the name of the Iron Chef Italian). 
Kobe and I were (and still are) fans of the shock humour and the absurd humour. The absurdity was often only funny to Kobe and me, such as the time we took pocketfuls of tiny rubber rock polishing pieces and other small items and releasing them by the handful as we walked through busy malls and other public areas. It created an interesting "whoosh" sound as the pieces landed on the floor which made others look. Anyone reading this likely fails to see how this is funny, and I cannot really explain it. It was merely because we were doing something annoying and we thought it hilarious. In reality, we just made a big mess for the caretakers and nothing more.

Speaking of messes, there was a time in which Kobe and I went to a certain mall in Calgary after a computer-part-shopping-trip. Kobe had inexplicably brought along two packets of a creamy dill sauce. These packets were easily as big as a fist and the sauce had a very...odd appearance. Basically, the sauce looked more like it came out instead of about to go in...If you catch my meaning. Whatever were we to do with these two large packets of diarrhea dill? Dispose of them in the washroom, of course. We took turns, Kobe first, entering the men's washroom. Kobe poured his dill sauce packet into the bowl and neglected to flush. The next person to view that toilet would be in for a surprise. It was funny to us, but I knew I could do better. I poured a bit into the toilet and then proceeded to drip and squirt the rest of the dill sauce all over the toilet seat and around the outside of the bowl. I got some on the tank, on the wall of the stall, and even a small trail leading from the toilet out into the main part of the washroom. It looked as though someone had a really nasty accident! I exited the washroom all grin and boasted to Kobe about my masterpiece. Sadly, a janitor entered the washroom as I left, so Kobe was unable to see. We got the fuck out of there before the caretaker put two and two together and realised we were the culprits of the nasty dill sauce fiasco.

It was at that same mall during a Boxing Day shopping trip that Kobe and I struck again. Kobe, being bored one day, took two condoms and filled them with tub caulking. The result once dry? Something that was essentially the same as a dildo. Two white, rubbery, floppy phallic chunks of caulking. Since Kobe had absolutely no use for them (keep your jokes in your heads, you perverts), we decided to take them to the mall for some mischievous entertainment. Kobe took the first caulking dildo into that very same washroom mentioned above. He cautiously awaited his chance when no one was looking, and tossed it into one of the urinals. The funny thing about this situation was that the dildo was exactly the same colour as the porcelain of the dildo, rendering it essentially invisible unless one was looking directly at it. And the first person who would have opportunity to look directly at it would be the first dude to take a piss at that urinal. Not only would this man receive a surprise to the eye, but there stood a strong likelihood that when the man started draining the lizard he would get some splash-back from hitting the "caulk." Get it? Double entendre! Damn I'm clever.
What Kobe had done was funny to be sure. But sadly, it would not necessarily get the attention it deserved. Unless the man using the urinal in question flipped out and came running from the washroom screaming, only he would really know. He might tell a caretaker or he might leave it for the next unsuspecting person, but it was still small-beans. I could do better.
When Kobe made the second caulk dildo, he gave it a bit of flair that the first was missing. While the second one was still drying, Kobe had driven nails and screws through it. Once dried, the result was an abomination. If ever they make a Saw porn film, this item would no doubt be used. It had nails and screws jutting out at all angles and looked as much like a weapon as it did a sex toy. All I knew is that it was special and needed an audience. But where...WHERE could I place this thing where I could retain anonymity and it would provide some real shock?
The Wal-Mart toy department! I went into the toy department and waited for the opportunity. Then I placed it on a lower shelf, sitting triumphantly for all to see. It really was the last thing I'd expect to see next to Star Wars action figures. It was crude, offensive, and downright dangerous. I know this. I shouldn't have left it where kids could handle it. I wasn't thinking. But let's face it...parents should not be leaving their kids alone in a busy store, particularly on Boxing Day! So I don't blame myself. I blame the parents. Yep, it's the parents' fault that it was left there in the first place........*cough cough*

There were many incidents in which Kobe and I did something immature and stupid for the sake of a laugh, such as rearranging the wooden craft letters found in craft stores/departments to spell out rude things, or going to Smitty's in a different town and dumping the packets of condiments and jams onto our plates and into our glasses (among other places on the table) just to make a monumental mess of everything, but the above are just a few of the real WTF examples of what Kobe and I were capable of when left alone to our own devices.
I'd like to think that Kobe and I have grown up enough to not do such things today, but we haven't had the opportunity to hang out much in the last few years. When next we do hang out, we'll have to ensure that we do so with empty pockets and keep away from that unnamed mall...something tells me we'll never be welcome there again.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Saw Puppet Auction - Life size! Scary Shite!

All I have to say is...what kind of messed up person would have this in their home?

I'm kidding. This thing is so cool! Whoever owns it is cool. Whoever buys it is also cool.

I just had to share the link with everyone!


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Online Dating Disasters 2

When I first came up with the idea of sharing the unpleasant and hilarious online dating stories of my friends for the amusement of the world wide web, it seemed like a good idea. However, after speaking with a few people regarding their opinions of the Online Dating Disasters theme in my blog, I've learned that it has not been received all that well. Perhaps I just think it's more interesting and entertaining than others. But it's not worth harassing friends to finish their stories so I may post them (you know who you guys are, M and C!), so I'll be retiring the dating disaster stories. However, a friend sent me over her story today and it's pretty damn entertaining...not so much because of her dating experience itself, but because her no-nonsense personality led to a pretty great outcome to the experience. Please enjoy her story because if you don't you'll feel sad that you wasted a few minutes of your life reading something you didn't like:

When I started online dating I had a hopeful outlook on love and finding ‘The One’. After a few failed “relationships”- several dates with the same guy over the course of a month or more - I started to come to the realization that it wasn’t as fantastic as I expected.
While there were a few guys that showed me how poor online dating could be, there was one that stood out from the rest. He was a musician. I saw his profile on a dating site and was instantly attracted. I messaged him something witty... and he responded back with something witty. Blah Blah Blah. Found out he worked at a big telecommunications company in town, played in a heavy metal band (gross), worked part time as a DJ in a well known country bar... and all around seemed like a really cool guy. We decided to meet up for coffee.
When I first saw him he was everything I expected from his pictures.... just a bit pudgier. No biggie. We talked for hours. He seemed to disclose A LOT of a first date, but at the time- I found it fresh and endearing. He never made himself out to be something that he wasn’t- and I really liked that about him. Things progressed quickly after that.

Side Note- I’m that girl that gets the second date. I’m the girl who has men cling onto me and end up seeing each other every other day. It’s easy to understand how quickly relationships are built and fizzle with me.

So- we hang out and one night he brings me back to his place. He lives in an apartment with a roommate and a fat cat. They are both musicians and men- I wasn’t expecting an immaculately clean place. HOWEVER- was not prepared for the sty that was his bedroom. He slept on a stained mattress, covers strewn about and pillows without cases. I was beyond horrified. But still- it did not deter me from sticking with him (not that night- gross- hell no- barf). Plus- during this time, I was going through a non judgmental phase in my life, so nothing really scared me off.

Ladies- NEVER go through this phase. It doesn’t make you a good person or less of a bitch if you don’t judge. It makes you an idiot. Learn from my mistakes!

Anyways- I buy him a brand new bed set. Since I had a nice cushy job, I had money to throw around and not bother to save- I decided he’d be a nice project. We continued to date, and I continued to grow increasingly annoyed/disgusted with him. He had a “Father Knows Best” attitude and would gladly give you advice on life- even though it was never asked of him. He liked to pretend to be smart and have intellectual conversations… about his bowel movements, guitar amps and LOLcats. His spelling was terrible- on purpose. It’s as if he wrote like he, himself was a LOLcat. He had spacers (the nasty ear pieces that would stretch your earlobes) that he would play with, and then bring his fingers from ear to nose to smell the rancid odour they emanated (all the time). He was a caveman.
What finally put me over the edge [with this relationship] was Valentine’s Day.
Remember that cushy job I was mentioning earlier? Well, they downsized a third of the company (including me). I was devastated. I had never been laid off/fired/let go… whatever. Sure I was packaged out, but this was in the middle of the recession and I had bills to pay. I texted him what had happened and he seemed rather supportive. Told me it was a minor bump, and he knew I’d get through it. He told me he’d take me out to a movie that night to cheer me up.
He picked me up from my house and took me to the theatre. Bought the movie tickets and asked if I wanted a snack. I wasn’t overly hungry, as I was still in shock. He decided he was hungry and made his way to the concession stand. Ordered a crap load of stuff and then looked to me. “Since I bought the movie tickets, want to buy the snacks?” he asked ignoring the fact that I was recently unemployed. I paid for them out of pure spite and hatred for the man. Movie was good. Once done we headed back to his place- he was certain he still had some tricks up his sleeve to cheer me up. He didn’t and eventually I passed out at his place- big mistake. In the morning I woke up to some… wandering hands. I’m like a bear in the morning. I hate to be woken up. I declined his rather boorish advances and left the room to the washroom. When I came back I asked him to drive me home. He decided he wanted to sleep more and he’d take me home after. I was stuck. I waited unit LATE afternoon for him to roll out of bed and take me home. I was livid. That evening, I texted him to end things. Told him I no longer wanted it and asked that he drop off my stuff (I had some jewellery I forgot at his place the night before). He proceeds to tell me, I’m overreacting to the fact that I was laid off and needed to cool down a bit. When I insisted that wasn’t the case, he shrugged it off and told me he’d call me later.
A week went by and I texted several times to get my stuff back. He eventually agreed to come over Friday night to drop it off. I had planned a date that night and asked that he come earlier… he said he’d be there when he could. When he finally did come by, I had to push my date back twice. I opened the door, let him in, grabbed my stuff from him and went back into the washroom to finish up my make-up. He called out to me. I came back to where he was, “we need to talk”, he says.
“You think?” I ask humorously.
“I just don’t think it’s working out”, he replies with a pitiful face that I realize is meant to show concern for me. The bugger actually thought he was going to hurt my feelings by ending things with ME. I was speechless. I could not believe he thought so highly of himself that he would need to let me down lightly. He continues, “I just think you and I are too much like.”
“Right. Not working. Got it. Is that all?”I ask as I’m holding back vomit.
He leaves and I go on my date. I never hear from him again… until about a year and a half later I get a facebook message from him.
I will close out this entry with what followed thereafter:

Him- So, I'm writing a book. it's about dating and meeting women minus the douche baggery.

Long story short, I'm interviewing as many of the women from my personal history who have had an impact in one way or another.

The premise of the book is the hardsell. Basically, taking a guy who may now have all the best traits on paper and helping him to get to know and meet the right kind of woman.

During a period of personal trial you and I were seeing one another, and I'd like you to have your say. The interviews get transcribed directly and verbatim. Editting is only in the areas of details and the where's. Stuff like a nick name for you that you choose etc. Stuff that protects your identity from a story that maybe not everyone you know needs to know your role in.

Let me know if you'd be interested or at least be down to discuss some details if you'd like. Either way it'd be neato to catch up a bit.

It's a social focus book and it is intended for adult audiences and to garner frank discussion amongst single folks and couples. I have zero desire to defame anyone except maybe myself ha ha!

Basically, the deal is we sit down and we discuss the relationship, the arch of it, things we got from it, took from it, where we wound up since etc etc. I can go over the ideas for the chapters with you if you'd like. This is intended to assist gentlemen such as myself who have a personal situation that might make getting a woman to talk to you difficult, like: living with your folks, kind of chubby, maybe know, stuff that can be a deal breaker for women.

The book is called “____________________________?” and it goes over essential skills to have from a womans perspective, how to talk with women and enjoy their company in the many ways it can be had, and to know when to back out gracefully if at all possible. We’d have to sit down and have a recorded conversation. You’d get to ask me questions etc etc. it’s all about the back and forth in any relationship so the book is aimed at reflecting that.

- Kurt

Me- Hey- I'm not really into meeting up for a beer or anything.
I can answer some questions through here if you wanted... but that's probably the extent to the communication I'm willing to do. So if that works, let me know.


His questions, my responses

Totally cool man! please be as brutally honest as you can. If a level of bitterness pops up, let it fuel your response, I’m looking for 100% complete honesty. Be brutal, be scathing if it must be said, it’s all part of the process. So, I suppose the first few bits we might cover are simple things to start...

Age? 25.

Current sexual preference(s)? Men (always has been always will be. I like them too much to desert them for the fairer sex).

What do you do for a living? Telecommunications
What is your current living situation? I live with my cat in a quaint apartment off of 17th ave.
Are you single or with someone? With someone
On our first date having London Fogs in that shitty little cafe, what stuck out the most overall? I thought you talked... A LOT. You disclosed too much too soon. It was a bit overwhelming. I also remember being surprised with your body type. From your pictures, I assumed you would be leaner.

On our last date when I came by to confirm our end, what stuck out the most overall? When you came over, I was getting ready for a date. I was irritated that I had to push everything back to have you stop by and tell me what I had been trying to do ever since Valentine’s Day. I was annoyed with the fact that I had tried to end it with you a week earlier, and you basically blew me off. You told me I was just stressed about being laid off and that I needed time to collect myself again. The fact that you told me we were too much alike disgusted me. I was and will never be like you.

How is your outlook on myself as a person post data? I'm disgusted and annoyed. More with myself though. Like I said- I was going through my non judgmental phase and stuck around with you for longer than I should. You were NOT my type and you irritated me regularly. BUT- I wanted affection and someone to adore me. I was terribly depressed at the time you and I met. The only man I had ever loved, moved away to be with a female named Ginger (whom he had cheated on me with for the span of our 5 year relationship). Loneliness is a funny thing, you'll settle for just about anything. Anything.
Constructive criticisms for me as a single man? Try not to be such a "know-it-all". It bothered me when you'd go all "Father Knows Best" on me and try to counsel me on MY life. Also, don't disclose so much so fast and be more selective about the stories you share with the opposite sex (like turning your first girlfriend into a human hand puppet). Watch your P's and Q's. Even though gas and other bodily functions are a natural thing, be a gentleman and don't share it with a girl you have only been on a couple of dates with. Don't act like a child and type like one. It's not cute, it's illiteracy. Alternatively, continue as you are, and just aim your sights low. Really low, and you might actually hit something from time to time.

What is your number one pet peeve about dating? In general? Lacking tact, common sense, and/or manners.

How do you feel about marriage? Children? Both are appropriate under the right circumstances.
What did you take from our relationship forward that might impact the way you do things with a new romance? Funny story- met a guy that reminded me SO much of you. Didn't realize until I was a few dates into it and feeling at a loss to explain a nagging sense of repulsion. Then as we were talking on the phone, it suddenly hit me- this guy is EXACTLY like Kurt. Talked, sounded, acted, the same way you did. Even kind of had the same smile. The instant this realization hit me, I broke it off. Even FUNNIER I broke it off the same day I ran into you at Ranchman's back in December. To be honest- you fall under the category of 'mistakes'. So when I'm in a new romance, if I'm looking for one to last that is, I try to avoid men that remind me of you and a few more 'mistakes". Keep in mind, some guys that I dated that didn't work out- do not fall into my 'mistakes' list. In fact, I'm very good friends with some of them, and others I look back on with fondness. I've walked away from them having grown and developed. You- I get this pit-in-my-stomach, "I can't believe I did that" disgusting feeling when I think about you. Like the tequila I once consumed far too much of, the mere thought of you now stirs up slight feelings of nausea. So to answer your question- I've learned to listen to the still small voice inside my head that says "you're better than this".
When was the moment/series of events that you knew we were destined to end? For me, the end was in sight from the very beginning. You were to occupy my time until something better came my way. I know this makes me sound terrible, but it's true and not uncommon. Everyone finds a "filler" from time to time.
Considering our individual issues, how did that impact our relationship at the time? I found you to be annoying. You tried to be my therapist and forced me to talk about things I wasn't comfortable with. You had a certain airs about you that I'm sure you thought came off as intelligent, introspective and dignified- but to me you just came off as pompous and presumptuous. I liked you- but the novelty of you wore off very quick. Obviously, this can be all summed up to my "issues" or your complete lack of substance.

Least favourite memory of our relationship? The Day before and Valentine’s Day. You and I had gone to see a movie the night before. That was two days after I was laid off. You wanted to take me out and cheer me up. You picked me up, took me to the theatre to which I believe we went dutch (smooth move- get the girl who just lost her job to pay for theatre food that only YOU really ate. IN FACT- I remember you used my money to buy like $40.00 worth of theatre food, with no regard to how I JUST LOST MY JOB, and I think you left a full box of reeses pieces in the theatre. Real smooth). Even though I was outrageously annoyed by you- I slept over. You tried to wake me up with some sort of sexual act- I wasn't having it. I didn't want to be touched and you were very forceful. It infuriated me. THEN- you slept, while I watched tv. It was seriously the worst morning after. I wanted to go home, but had no ride, and having spent all my money on theatre snacks, couldn't afford a cab. I even told you I wanted to go home- you decided to sleep more instead, rather than just drive me home. I felt trapped in a disgusting home, with a disgusting man (no offense). You didn't drive me home until 4pm or some other ridiculous time. I hated it. I hated you. I tried to end it a few days later- you blew it off.
What could Kurt have done better? To be honest- I think you were being yourself. Which, I despised. It bothered me that you were SO immature. You sat on forums, had many underage friends, typed and sometimes spoke like a child- or a 16 year your old girl, you talked about your bowel movements, you were loud, ignorant, unintentionally rude with your "I know everything" attitude, you dressed horribly, you were poor (and flaunted your poverty. See; your bed and outfits), and you were aggravating. Other than that- have a nice room to bring a girl back to. Even though you look like you have an STI - you don't have to live in one (that's a play on words- get it?!?!).
What could you have done better? Maintained my standards and avoided you from the beginning. I was slumming it, and even though you amused me at times, I shouldn't have ever bothered. I understand I have my flaws. I guess you just have to find someone that will love you, flaws and all. I've found that (scary, I know). Perhaps there's hope for you as well.