Thursday, August 12, 2010

Epic Datefail #2019245

This entry is a bit of a rant about my latest failure in the dating and friendship arenas. I didn't want to post this, but sometimes you have to vent about things. Also, the other person involved has been sharing the story with people which means she must be okay with it being discussed openly. Feel free to laugh at my misfortune because it really does sound retarded when it is read.

About two weeks ago I started to date a woman. In this case, like the "my drunk friend" story on Facebook, names are not necessary. Anyway, usually when I am seeing someone, I like them but I'm not necessarily "into" them. It takes me a while to warm up to them and sometimes I never do. Maybe it's because I have such high standards or maybe it's just because of chemistry. I'm not sure. But there was a spark I felt when I was around this woman. She was gorgeous, smart, sarcastic, and we had a fair amount in common (mainly "core" things in common like world view, opinions, sense of humour, a need to multi-task so not to be bored, etc.). Our lifestyles were different, her being a drinker and socialite and me being more of a homebody, but I didn't see a big problem with that. Most people I know like to go out and drink on weekends and we're still friends. Most women I've dated in the past liked to tie one on and it didn't affect our relationships. And let's face it...if two people were exactly alike, it would be the dullest relationship ever, yeah?

Things were going well for a week or so. We went on several dates and seemed to be clicking. There were a couple of minor hiccups. For example, I'm not a fast mover. I'm not trying to get into a woman's pants after a date or two, so what's the hurry? I'm also a bit shy to make moves. But she got mad at me and accused me of being "scared" of her because I didn't hold her hand or kiss her on the second date. I tried explaining my reasons but nope...must be that I'm scared. Insanity! The third date saw her concerns fade away, but it was still odd.

But then, on one date (fifth or sixth), we spent a lot of time together...A LOT especially for me. Usually I can't stand to be around the same person for more than a few hours, but we hung out for nearly 24 hours. When she left it seemed as though she might have been all Daved out. No big deal. I was a bit weirded out too...that was a long time for two people to spend together, after all! I didn't say anything at first, but then I didn't really hear from her. Usually she was very talkative, via MSN, text message, whatever. But for a day and a half, I didn't hear really anything. We got to talking a bit the following evening but she didn't seem all that responsive. I'm not one to play games, so I just flat-out asked her if everything was okay because she seemed to be acting strangely. I said that I didn't want to ask her out again too soon if she needed some space (and I could have used some space so it was win-win if that was the case).

Well, most people would just answer the question (hopefully honestly). Maybe even appreciate the concern. But no. She took offense for some reason and berated me for being immature and having insecurities. Sure, maybe there was a hint of insecurity in there but certainly not enough to be a character flaw. She took what I was saying to mean that I thought she didn't like me, though I neither thought that, nor made any claim that was the case. There I was, thinking I was being considerate, and she threw it in my face in a weird fit. She kept ignoring what I was telling her, instead adhering to her assumptions, and then I just quit trying.

She text messaged me later that night while I was in a movie and asked if I wanted to go dancing with her. I figured that was her way of apologizing. However, it was an hour or so before I got the message and replied (though she claimed it was five hours...temporal issues?). When I replied, it was kind of late and asked for a raincheque. Also, that was the night my drunken friend showed up unannounced and terribly upset, so I wouldn't have left her alone. Instead of giving me the proverbial raincheque I requested and being understanding about the situation, she responds with this text message about how she's a jealous person and I have too many female friends, and about how I don't drink and blah blah blah this relationship wouldn't work. Fine.

*Sidebar - This woman has almost exclusively male friends, which makes her not only unreasonable but also a huge hypocrite.*

I don't need to deal with this weird shit, so I didn't bother to reply or anything. It was rude and unfair, so why would I? I was busy calming down a hammered friend anyway.
The day after, this girl said nothing to me, and the day after that she messaged me to apologize for the delivery of her concerns, but that she stood by them, which is fine. I really liked this girl, but the "like-like" feeling was waning after her behaviour the evening before last. She asked if we could still be friends and I hesitantly said that would be all right. For some reason I still liked this girl enough to be friends...what?

Anyway, last night I was talking to her on MSN. She mentioned that she and a friend were going out for dinner and invited me to come. I said that MAY be possible as I was seeing a good friend in the early evening and cancelling a date I would have had after that. M-A-Y be possible! My good friend (Shannon) and I agreed to do something in the "early evening." I assumed Shannon and I would meet around 4-7PM, a la early evening, but that was just a guideline. No specific time was set. Early evening became mid-evening, as Shannon was spending time with her family. Shannon lives up north in Edmonton and so doesn't get to see her family that often, so who cares if "early evening" changed to later in the evening? Well, this girl certainly cared.

She became "annoyed" with me (she was frequently "annoyed" with me when I did not do whatever she wanted when she wanted) because I would rather wait around for Shannon instead of going out to dinner with this girl and her friend. WTF? I never said I would definitely do so. I said the timing might work but made no commitment. But logic had no place last night apparently. It seemed simply that she was "annoyed" that I chose a friend of ten + years over a "friend" of 2 + weeks. Whatever. I made light of the argument because it was just so absurd that I figured she was kidding. But she was not kidding. This woman was seriously pissed off that I was waiting to hang out with Shannon instead of going out with her and her friends...that I was a pushover for wasting time on someone who she figured was late.

I went out with Shannon at around 7:30 or so (see most previous entry "Dinner with Amy H") and occasionally this girl and I fired back and forth text messages. I apologized to her because I assumed she must have misunderstood me and thought that I confirmed I would go to dinner with her and her friends or something, but she just fought with me. It was like she wanted to argue for the sake of arguing. So I just stopped talking. I told Shannon about what was going on and Shannon scrunched her face and basically said WTF too, so I know it wasn't just me. Shannon brought up a valid point at the time, as well. Sometimes, even when a person is late or has to cancel or whatever, you just let it go because there will come a time when you will do the same to that friend and hope they are as understanding as you were.

Anyway, we got home at around 10:30PM and Shannon left a few minutes after that. I was talking to this girl and her friend on MSN, not really bringing up the weirdness from earlier in the evening. It was just pleasant conversation. There was talk about me accompanying her and her friend to a birthday party on Friday night. Sure, that was perfectly fine. I liked this girl and I liked her friend and I liked the person whose birthday was being celebrated so it would probably have been fun.

Later in the evening I'm just about to head to bed. I receive a text from this girl. She said my blogs are all about Shannon. I'm guessing she meant that she was jealous that the most recent blog entries featured Shannon instead of her? She said I should find someone else's birthday to go to on Friday because she didn't want to be friends anymore. haha She basically said that she knew it's unreasonable of her to be mad that I chose to wait for another friend earlier in the evening instead of going out with her. But she was never going to change who she is so we couldn't be friends.

Well I was so beyond being over this chick by this time. When she had the audacity to tell me that I should have chosen her over Shannon, she really lost a lot of my respect. So when I got the 'can't be friends" last message I just laughed. It was so dramatic and immature, which is ironic since she abhorred both those qualities. In fact, she was frequently being dramatic and immature but couldn't seem to see it. It was also so jaw-dropping selfish! According to her most recent blog entry about me (there have been a few haha), I'm stupid for waiting four hours for Shannon and I'm a pathetic doormat...her words, not mine. Um no. If Shannon and I set a time of 4 o'clock and she was significantly late, I wouldn't wait. When a friend from out of town and I agree to get together in a vague time frame, that's different. Besides, "early evening" could be anywhere from 4-8PM anyway, depending on who you ask.

But, back on track. We sent a few messages back and forth, but it just seemed like she was trying to engage in another pointless battle. If her reasons for not wanting to be friends were honest, then she deserves the title of most selfish and crazy woman I've ever met to date...including Anna (Lisa and Shannon are laughing hysterically right now at that, I'm willing to bet)!!! If there are other reasons beneath the surface that she could not or would not share, I certainly don't know what they are, and now I don't even care.
I just said that if she didn't want the friendship then neither did I. She sent a message after that but I didn't bother reading it. There was no point.

I did absolutely nothing wrong ever while knowing her, and yet she managed to construct all these weird issues out of nothing. Illogical conclusions reached and ridiculous behaviours presented. She sabotaged this relationship for...drama? Entertainment? Or simply because she's broken? At this point, all I can say is who cares?

So that's it. Dating off. Friendship off. The story of a girl that I could have really liked. A rare woman that I could have seen myself dating for a long time (at first anyway). A woman that needs to grow up. A woman that didn't seem to appreciate the man I am, and as a result does not deserve me as a friend or more.

There were several ways I could have approached this entry. People who know me may be surprised at my restraint. I could easily have written this with a thick serving of sarcasm or scathingly honest detail, but I chose to be better than that. There's no point in hate in this context. I hold no ill will toward this woman and I sincerely wish her the best. I hope she will be happy. Life is too short to hold grudges or be angry over such things. So no bitterness or hard feelings. I have said my piece and now it's time to let it be.

This situation does make me wonder, however, why it is I only seem to attract and be attracted to women who are either crazy, suffer a variety of issues, or are selfish...usually an amalgamation of all three. I have the worst track record when it comes to dating and I'm not sure why. I'm not without my flaws, but I am aware of them, and what's good about me far outweighs what's bad.

I like to play it tough, like I don't need anyone, and literally speaking that is true. I could survive quite well on my own. But not needing anyone doesn't mean I wouldn't like to have someone. It doesn't mean I'm a stone without feelings or I have nothing to give. It doesn't mean I am immune to loneliness.
I think I deserve better than what's being handed to me, but the universe seems to disagree.

This does not come without regret, however. I did make one HUGE mistake. A mistake I've made a couple of times in previous relationships and a mistake I must ensure I not make again. I gave this woman a second chance, and it bit me in the ass. Hell I gave her several chances, and was clobbered every time.
Lesson learned. In future, if someone fucks up a relationship with me, I'm done with it the first time.

No second chances. I'm that sort of man.

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