Friday, August 13, 2010

Port-O-Potty Time Machine

Alternate title: Dave and Nick's Excellent Adventure/Bogus Journey

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge Doctor Who fan. I've always been obsessed. I'm unsure when my mother introduced me to the show, but I remember being excited to watch "Planet of Evil" at my grandparent's house when I was five years old if I was a day...and I was already a hooked fan by then. Did I first see it at 3? 2? Younger? It doesn't really matter. It was, and is, an awesome show, so the younger I was the better.

At around 10 or 11 years old, I was walking to the local comic book store with Nick, a friend of convenience as he lived two doors down from me. I'm not sure what sparked the conversation, but we were walking through East Lake Park when I told  him that I was actually a time traveler in a machine called the TARDIS. Of course he laughed. It was absurd. I didn't like being laughed at, and so I felt a need to prove it to him.

Not far, there was a small construction area within the park. And in that construction area was a bright blue port-o-potty resting on the outskirt of the construction zone. I told Nick that was my ship and that it didn't always look like a port-o-potty. Its outer shell was just disguised as a port-o-potty so not to draw attention to itself while it was "parked."

Nick continued to laugh and I told him I would prove it. Using my TARDIS, we could travel through time. Of course, he asked for evidence, and I was ready to deliver. We walked to the port-o-potty and opened the door. It smelled pretty much as you'd expect a port-o-potty to smell...flowery air freshener and piss. I remember gesturing like a gentleman loser for Nick to enter the port-o-potty first. I followed.

Ever been in a port-o-potty? Cramped quarters. Ever been in a port-o-potty with another person? Please don't try. We were like sardines in that blasted thing, but I had something to prove. I told him I was about to take off and he had to close his eyes so he wouldn't see where the controls were. After all, if he knew, he could steal my TARDIS. Unsure if he was actually tightly closing his eyes or just squinting, I faked handling "controls" on the wall with my hand, while actually operating the secret controls with my foot.I awkwardly waited about ten seconds and then told Nick we traveled through time and had now landed.

When he opened the door and we got out, a group of three workers were standing and staring at the door. Laughing, of course. Perhaps I was too young to "get" it, so I was confused as to why they were laughing at two pre-teen boys exiting a port-o-potty together. One dude asked "what were you guys doing in there?" Embarrassed, I didn't want to say, and so Nick and I just walked away.

Nick laughed and said that everything looked the same as before and that I was a loser. I told him that he was wrong. We did travel in time in my TARDIS, just as I promised.

We had traveled about 10 seconds into the future.

I know...brilliant, right? Despite the absurdity of everything, I had technically told the truth. My port-o-potty time machine did take us into the future, from a certain point of view. It's just a shame that it also made us smell like potpourri and shit.

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