Thursday, August 12, 2010


Back in my pizza delivery days I worked with a variety of different companies. At one point, I was an in-house delivery person for 241 Pizza in Airdrie. I suppose this story comes out of order since I have so many stories from before this time with Meadowbrook Deliveries (which will be posted in the future). However, this is the one that randomly popped into my head today.

When I did deliveries around Airdrie, I would sometimes invite a friend to come along for fun. Deliveries could be boring, especially on a slow night, so it was great to have the company, especially when that company was a good friend. Often, Bob would accompany me on my deliveries and we would have some great times.

Anyway, the night in question was one of those slow nights. Bob and I ended up sitting inside 241 Pizza for most of the shift, drawing horribly vulgar caricatures of people we knew or getting up to some sort of mischief. The evening before, Bob went with his family to a restaurant. At this restaurant, Bob ordered the calamari. If memory serves, Bob, like any normal person, had expected the calamari to be served in cut rings. However, when he received his plate he discovered that instead the restaurant just served him whole baby squid. He did not eat the squid, of course. It was disgusting. Our maturity saw no bounds and so Bob decided to bring the doggie box with him for deliveries so that we may find something awful to do with them (shut up, we were bored and immature...though I'd probably do the same thing today given the chance). Sure enough, when he showed me, there were at least a dozen tiny squid, all about the size of a quarter to a loonie. Just disgusting!

That night at 241 Pizza, there was an employee there that neither Bob, nor I, nor any other employee at the restaurant cared for. Her name escapes me, but it was probably Louise, so let's stick with that. She was a 40-something overweight woman who seemed unable to have a conversation without complaining about everything in her sight. She didn't like anyone and I'm pretty sure she hated me since I dirtied up one of her tables with my...sitting. Therefore, it was a no-brainer that Bob and I should have some fun with her and the squid. Bob went into the washroom with the squid and placed them all over the place. It truly was a work of art! He made the squid appear to be crawling out from the sink drain. They were up the side of the sink. On the vanity. On the taps. On the toilet tank. IN the toilet tank. Around the toilet bowl. On the floor. On top of the light casing above the mirror. Smeared against the mirror. It was beautiful.

I entered the room when he was done to see his handy work and almost burst into laughter. But I kept it cool and we left the restaurant to laugh uncontrollably.

It was a customer that first found the squid when he used the washroom. He went and he reported the squid to Louise. Bob and I were not in the restaurant to experience this, but a friend and employee of 241 Pizza told us that when Louise went into that washroom, he could hear her scream "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!"

She cleaned the mess up and bitched and complained about "kids" who must have gone in there and done the deed. Bob and I weren't even suspects, which made it all the sweeter.

Perhaps the funniest part of the story is that Louise never did find the squid that Bob placed atop the light fixture. For the next month or so, until 241 Pizza went out of business, there was an unusual smell in the bathroom and I think we all know why. Bob and I would occasionally check the washroom to see if the squid was found. By the last time we looked, it was nothing more than a shriveled little unidentifiable thing with dried tentacles flattened and stuck to the fixture.

The attack of the squid was a good day. And a lesson for us all. Don't trust Dave or Bob in your washrooms.

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